Eagle Fan

February 05, 2018 - 12:23 pm
And now a word for you, Philadelphia Eagle fans. I would say live your best life, but you already are. Eagle fans didn’t come to take part in the Super Bowl, they came to take over. It started early in the week, but then it built, and by the end of the week, you could barely walk ten feet in Minneapolis without bumping into a Randall Cunningham or Reggie White jersey and you couldn’t pass any restaurant or bar without hearing an Eagles chant. And don’t even get me started on that Philly crowd that showed up at the StubHub Fieldhouse at Target Field yesterday. That crowd was large and in charge. And there was a confidence about those fans. They respected the Patriots, but they knew they had something in store for them. And man, did their team ever. And man did their fans ever. Anybody who told you going into yesterday’s game that they knew what was going to happen, was a liar. With one caveat: because whether the Eagles won or the Eagles lost, Eagle Fan was going to Eagle Fan. And last night, Eagle Fans Eagle Fanned like they never have before. It didn’t matter that the City of Philadelphia went from Crisco-ing poles to spraying them down with hydraulic fluid. They could’ve soaked them in lighter fluid and dudes in Carson Wentz jerseys were going to climb them. Or rip them out of the ground. Or climb up on the awning of the Ritz-Carlton and jump into the crowd. Or climb up on the awning of the Ritz-Carlton and then collapse the awning of the Ritz-Carlton. It’s gotten to the point where it’s hard to tell what’s real and what’s not. And yes, there were parody accounts on Twitter claiming that Philly fans stole a tactical horse and no, that didn’t really happen. As far as we know. Because it probably could’ve. And then there was the parody account that tweeted: “Eagles Fan Eats Horse Crap to Celebrate Super Bowl Victory”z Oh, wait, that wasn’t a parody account, that was TMZ. The actual TMZ with a blue check. Not some imposter, like TM2, which tries to pass itself off as the real TMZ. So if that tweet is coming from a real account, then I have to hope that the images associated with it are fake. Because if they aren’t, this is a new low. The lowest of the low points, not just for Eagle fans, but for humanity. You want to climb a light pole when your team wins? Go for it. You want to pump up your fellow fans before the NFC championship game by running into a column at a train station? Be my guest. You want to eat horse excrement to celebrate a Super Bowl win? Not okay. Not okay at all. It is not okay to eat horse crap. I can’t believe I actually have to take time out of my show to actually talk about this. I thought I’d be able to go my entire career without having to devote a segment to explaining why it’s not okay to eat horse crap, but I guess I do. I guess I do need to say this. So let me repeat it again: it is not okay to eat horse crap. This isn’t one of those things where you say, we have to listen to both sides. There aren’t two sides to this. There’s the side that doesn’t eat horse crap and then there’s the side that’s wrong. That’s it. Very simple. And if your response to me saying that you shouldn’t eat horse crap starts with “Wait-” or “But-“ then you can stop right there. And if you hear what I’m saying and you want to say, “You don’t understand…” then you’re right. I don’t understand. I don’t understand why you would decide that the way to celebrate winning the first Super Bowl in team history would be to eat feces. Call me old-fashioned, call me a traditionalist, call me whatever you want, but you will never call me is someone who eats horse crap. We’ve all had a few too many and done some regrettable things. That happens. This does not happen. There’s never been a point in the evening where the next logical move was to eat horse crap. And no, that wasn’t something that someone taught me when I was growing up. You just know it. Just like I’ve never had to take my sons aside and say, listen guys, let me talk to you about not eating horse crap. There’s stepping on the line, there’s stepping over the line, and then there’s blowing so far past the line that you can’t even see it anymore. I don’t care how happy or drunk or happy and drunk you are, it is never okay to eat horse feces. There won’t be a time where I will ever condone that. I don’t care what has happened, eating horse crap is never cool. Or funny. It’s revolting and disgusting. I could talk for an hour about why that’s not okay, but I shouldn’t need to spend more than 10 seconds on it because I don’t need to build an argument or lay out the reasons. It’s horse crap. Don’t eat it. Lesson complete. Good talk, EAGLE FAN. GOOD TALK.