Knucks Are Gonna Knuck

February 07, 2018 - 12:54 pm
Tomorrow the City of Philadelphia will have a parade six decades in the making. From Broad and Pattison, all the way down to the Art Museum. And everyone is invited. Well, almost everyone. There’s actually a certain group of people that Mayor Jim Kenney would like to sit this one out. That group of social rejects, Mr. Mayor sternly refers to as—knuckleheads. Just when I thought I couldn’t love Philly anymore—the Mayor of the City drops a knuckleheads blast straight from the dais. So G-rated—but so effective. The absolute perfect press conference word for an elected official. Knuckleheads! Buffoons, dimwits, dopes, goofballs, imbeciles, numskulls—none of those glosses even compare to the knucklehead scud. Knucklehead is such a strong word. Such a disdainful word. And really, such a disapproving dad word. I mean how many of us just heard our old man when Mr. Mayor dropped the knucklehead blast? Look, the Mayor has a job to do. And he’d prefer the sign climbing, awning jumping, bottle throwing, fire starting, window breaking, car flipping, horse poop eating, knuckleheads to stay home. But let’s be real—that’s not gonna happen. Knucks live for these moments. These are the kinds of stages Knucks thrive on. And there isn’t a Knuck out there who’s gonna hear a Mayor ask them to stay down—and then actually stay down. In fact, the Mayor just threw superbait into Lake Knuck. And I can see the Knucks showing up and showing out tomorrow just because some suit told them not to be there. But—knuckleheads be warned. Police Commissioner Richard Ross, Jr. is onto you. And the Commish says—you knucks have no idea how much you’re helping the police out when you roll tape on yourselves. So what’s a knucklehead to do? Go full-knuck and not film it? Fat chance. Pics or it didn’t happen, bro. Gotta feed the beast. Gotta feed the Gram. You think the knuck in the Randall Cunningham gamer is taking a mouth full of horse dung if half the city wasn’t rolling on it? No way. Knucks are gonna knuck. And they’re gonna film it, too. And self-incriminating themselves with crystal clear iPhone X video is part of what makes a knucklehead—a knucklehead.  Enjoy the parade tomorrow, Philly! And remember to have those phones out. The police will thank you for it when they’re arresting you later.