See You Juiceheads In Four Years

February 23, 2018 - 9:14 am
And just like that. The Olympics are over. Well, almost over. Closing ceremonies are Sunday and by the time I take the air next, it’ll be a wrap. No more nightly programming, no more anthems, and no more US/Canada border wars in the Jungle—for now. Until some American celebrity blows up, snaps a belt, and Canada reminds us how fat we are. So the question today is: What will you remember most about the Winter Games? The U.S; women winning hockey gold a couple of nights ago? Lindsey Vonn’s final run? That non-Olympic athlete who skied the halfpipe like it was her first time? The rampant sex and porn in the Village? Or maybe, will you remember : The Russians. Errr!! The Olympic Athletes From Russia. Gotta love a country so juiced out of their minds that even the morally and ethically bankrupt IOC had to ban them from this year’s games. Do you know how dirty and hot your urine has to be for the IOC to not allow your entire country to compete? The IOC is built on turning a blind eye and a deaf ear. And even they could see and hear forty years of state sponsored cheating. All it took was my man, Bryan Fogel, risking his life to document it  in the Netflix film, Icarus. So the IOC banned Russia. As a country. No flags, no colors, no anthems. If the Russian athletes wanted to compete—they could show up to South Korea as Olympic Athletes from Russia. And they did. And it was awkward. Because all it did was remind everyone why Russia was being hammered in the first place. Now you would think a country publicly caught and publicly shamed for having juice coming out of their ears would be on their best behavior. And not get within a zip code of the roids. You’d think that—but you’d be wrong. Because They’re juice junkies. They’re fiends. And they got busted. Twice. In South Korea. Un-freaking-believable. Except it’s not. Because, again, this is what they’ve do. And have done. For the last 40 years. Even when they’re not allowed to be Russia—for these exact reasons—they find the juice and they take the juice. Here’s the best part. You might think the Russians were taking the spike for downhill skiing or hockey or something requiring brute strength. Nope. News broke this morning that a Russian female bobsledder tested positive for a banned drug. A bobsledder. Bombing a drug test. The only reason that’s the not the worst look of the Olympics is because earlier this week a Russian male curler got popped as well. Take a freaking bow, Russia. Seriously. Busted at the games in bobsledding and curling. Absolutely amazing. And not just any bobsledder. A bobsledder who wore a sweatshirt early month that said, “I Don’t Do Doping.” In fairness, maybe on the back it said, “Except on Days That In Y.” Russia came to the games with their tail between their legs—and they’re leaving with a needle lodged in their backside. I’d tell Russia to never change—but they’re not going to anyway. I’m not saying they’re the only ones doing it. They’re not. But no one else has done it, to that extent, as long as they have. No one else was told they couldn’t compete, as a country, at the games. So if anyone needed to stay down, it was the Russians…errr the Olympic athletes from Russia. And they still couldn’t do it. See you juiceheads in four years.