J.R. Soup

March 02, 2018 - 10:06 am
One of the great storylines to last night’s Philly-Cleveland games was the Cavs pregame announcement that JR Smith was suspended. The team’s official twitter account posted: #Cavs G JR Smith has been suspended by the team for one game for detrimental conduct.” Detrimental conduct? What could that be? And when did it happen? The team played it close to the vest before the game. Head coach Ty Lue said that it was "something happened after shootaround" but didn’t say more. What could he have possibly done after shootaround and before the game that would’ve warranted a suspension? Knowing J.R. Smith, and I say this with love, it could be just about anything. He’s got that kind of range. What would be something that J.R Smith could do after shootaround and before a game that would get him suspended for the game, but would allow him to come back to practice today and be available to play tomorrow? And now we have the answer. Allegedly. So what was it? You could spend hours guessing and I guarantee you won’t get it. But when you hear it, you will know and you will understand. Because accuracy is important, I am going to read from the first sentence of a report by Brian Windhorst and Dave McMenamin: “Cleveland Cavaliers guard JR Smith earned his one-game suspension from the team Thursday by throwing a bowl of soup at assistant coach Damon Jones, multiple sources with knowledge of the incident told ESPN.” Let me repeat the key part of that sentence to make sure you heard that correctly: J.R Smith earned his one-game suspension from the team Thursday by throwing a bowl of soup at assistant coach Damon Jones. Let’s zoom in even closer: “throwing a bowl of soup at assistant coach Damon Jones” Freaking incredible. J.R. Smith suspended for throwing a bowl of soup. That is SOOOOO RIGGGHHHTTTT And yet, sooooo wrrronnnngggg. And while that report answers one question, it raises a thousand more. Question: why was J.R. Smith suspended? Answer: for throwing a bowl of soup at an assistant coach. Follow-up question: why was J.R. Smith throwing a bowl of soup at an assistant coach? Follow-up to the follow-up: what kind of soup was it? Split-pea? Miso? A bisque? Or are talking about chili? I need answers. But let me make it clear. There isn’t going to be an answer that will make it okay. For example, if he chucks a light broth at Damon Jones that’s not actually better than decking him with a heavy chowder, but it does help paint the picture. There’s no excuse for dropping Egg Drop Soup on an assistant’s head, just as I’m not going to feel better about this if it was a tomato and basil instead of lentil, but I still need to know the answers. Gazpacho isn’t going to scald the victim, so I guess maybe that’s better than a steaming bowl of hot and sour soup, but at that point, we’re splitting hairs. Also, we can laugh all we want about J.R. Swish going J.R. Soup and drilling Damon Jones with borscht, but there is a cost to this and that cost is nearly six figures. According to Bobby Marks of ESPN: The one-game suspension for detrimental conduct will cost J.R. Smith $94,897. The Cavaliers will not get any luxury tax relief because Smith was suspended by the team and not the NBA. Either that soup was really terrible or J.R. Smith just has money to burn, because I don’t care what’s happening in my life, I’ll dump a bowl of soup on myself before I write a check for a hundred grand for throwing a gumbo. You know how I feel about J.R. Smith and his song, but it sounds like my man needs to….wait for it…simmer down…HEYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!