Scarves Up!

March 02, 2018 - 11:46 am
Let me read you a headline and you tell me if it’s from Newsweek—or The Onion. “Russian Stadiums To Allow Cocaine, Cannabis, And Heroin At The 2018 FIFA World Cup.” That’s not parody or satire—that’s cold, hard, vintage journalism. And it’s got Newsweek’s name stamped on it. Again, the headline: “Russian Stadiums To Allow Cocaine, Cannabis, And Heroin At The 2018 FIFA World Cup.” I think I speak for all us when I say, my first reaction is: What about meth? No love for meth? Is Russia seriously going to turn away the fine ice-tweekers of the world trying to watch some soccer, peacefully from their seats, gakked-out of their gourds? Heroin, coke, weed—and no meth? What kind of jacked up, blatant discrimination is that? That’s my snap-take—what about meth? My next take is: Wait. WHAT?! The Russians are about to allow a bunch of China White, chron, and toot into the World Cup games? Is this for real? Turns out: It is real. As long as you’re prescribed and you have your doctor’s note. Right, that makes sense. Except—Wait. WHAT?! There are doctor’s notes and prescriptions for black tar and snow?! Where?! What kind of kook M.D.’s are scribbling out a note for smack and flake?! Here in Cali we used to have those Venice Beach white coats diagnosing anyone with 80 bucks as having glaucoma. Now it’s legal for everyone so those fake doctors had to find a different racket. Maybe they moved to Europe and starting writing scripts for rock junkies. But can you imagine the scene in Russia this summer? Think of those security lines to get in. A bunch of soccer fans removing their shoes, belts, and 8-balls of snow—and then getting all those items back and walking in. The absolute best part of the Newsweek story isn’t what Russia is allowing you to bring in. It’s what they’re not allowing you to bring in. “The country’s smoking ban in Moscow, St. Petersburg, and Sochi venues will still be active.” Let me translate that for you: Come shoot dope, blow lines, and rip your glass-on-glass—but don’t you dare light up a heater—you filthy smoker. This whole story is absolutely incredible. Two of the hardest drugs on the planet are going to be allowed into one of the most dangerous sports ever to attend. Here’s to hoping the cokeheads and the tar junkies can co-exist for a few weeks this summer. The World Cup used to be about what country you represented. This year it’s about what powder you snort. Scarves up for your drug of choice, soccer fans! Scarves up!