Antonio Brown

USA Today

AB's Feet Circumcision

He’s jumped the shark, slammed into the shark, been eaten by the shark.

August 14, 2019 - 9:42 am
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You know the expression: a little goes a long way? Well, there’s been a lot of Antonio Brown news lately. And really this whole year. A ton. A freaking truckload. We’re talking Brett Favre unretirement levels of attention.

He’s jumped the shark, slammed into the shark, been eaten by the shark, and yet he keeps right on rolling. 

That said, after the arbitrator ruled that he needed to wear a modern helmet and it was clear the retirement threat that he made was as fake as everyone thought, I was ready to move on. I’d led the show with him each day this week and I was over it. And I’m sure you all were too. It was time to turn the page. 

He was no longer the fresh, exciting guy who dropped phrases like “Business is boomin’” and showed up to camp in creative ways. Back in the day, I couldn’t get enough of AB.  Now, I can’t get FAR ENOUGH away from it. Then, it was cool. Now it’s played. And just tired. 

I’m AB’d out. What’s good inevitably goes whack; this included. It was simply time to move on. .

And the same was true of Hard Knocks. It had once been so fresh, so cool, so new. You were getting something you’d never seen before, but then, after years and years, it got tired, formulaic and played out. 

So in some ways, AB’s 2019 act and Hard Knocks were pretty much the perfect fit. Two things that seemed so cool and so fascinating and then got overexposed. So I was ready to move on from both of them.

That is, until Antonio Brown said this…

Wait, what?! What did he just say? Did he say what I thought he said? Run that back.

Yes, he said it. I thought he said it, but I needed to check because I have literally never heard anything like that before in my life.

Quote: “My feet is pretty much getting circumcised, right?” Unquote                      

I have never heard anything like that before in my life. And the reason I’ve never heard that before, is because no one has ever had their feet circumcised before. And if anyone WAS going to get their feet circumcised, it was going to be Antonio Brown. 

But he wasn’t done. Play the whole clip.

Let me point out something right off the top in that clip. If someone says to you “you wanna see it? Are you sure you wanna see it?” 99 times out of 100 the answer should be no. And you hit the bricks. 

Because “Are you sure you wanna see it” is right up there with “can you smell this for me” in terms of the worst questions someone can ask you. 

But when he takes off his sock, honestly, I wasn’t that surprised. Probably because we’d already seen those nasty feet before. The sting of the visual was gone.

And quickly replaced by the lunacy of the following quote: 

“My feet is pretty much getting circumcised, right? Right? For real.”

Someone tries to jump in and say, like circulation? And AB’s like yeah, no, like circumcision. Actual circumcision. 

“It’s kind of like a pull back right now.” 

And then he says it again, later. In a different setting. He didn’t just repeat it in the same shot. This time he’s sitting on the grass and brings up foot circumcision again.

“I’m circumcised on my feet. Hopefully my feet are born again, and I frickin run faster. Feel sorry for me later.”

Again, I need to go back to this. He keeps talking about foot circumcision not like it’s a phrase that he just made up, but like it’s an actual thing. 

And then the obvious questions, when is the guy going to practice again? Will he play in any of the Raiders’ three remaining exhibition games? Will he play in their regular season opener?  If he doesn’t, will the injury report read: Mr. Big Chest, out…foot circumcised??

And he wasn’t done. Because he never is. He’s Antonio Brown. Problem is, he’s not giving us what we want. We don’t want to hear about a foot circumcision; we want to know why he NEEDED the foot circumcision. I want to know what the hell happened in that cryochamber; what the hell he was wearing when he stepped in. Or wasn’t wearing.  And what was going through his mind when he first realized his money makers were going fall right off or break into million pieces. Give us that AB. Of course, he didn’t.

Here’s a transcript, according to PFT, and see if you can follow along at home:

“I got out, and I felt my foot burning. I was like, ‘Man, I feel a hot sensation.’ The next like 24 hours it swelled up. It got really big. I couldn’t really walk or put pressure. The doctor came over, drained a little out. Scalpel the next day. Freaking scissors the next day. Just kind of let it leak all out. As everything leaked all out, I was able to put a little pressure. Thankfully, my trainer was working me out in the midst of my freaking. . . I can’t be on my feet.

“Now, it’s just like new skin, I’m just trying to get my feet used to feeling that, but I feel like I’ve just got a . . . Big whoopee cushion. You know?”

No, actually, I don’t know. I’m completely lost on all of this. Everything from foot circumcision to walking around on a big whoopee cushion. 

I’m like a cornerback trying to keep up with you, but you’ve thrown so many double moves, so many foot circumcisions and whoopee cushions, I’m grasping at air. You’ve completely lost me. 

Man… I’m done. Done talking about it. And done with the guy. Until someone comes clean about what happened in that cryochamber, and who ordered the foot circumcision, I’ve got nothing else to say about this; and I’m not going to give AB what he wants: namely, run. Air time. Us looking at him and talking about him. And his circumcised feet. Unfollow. As I said earlier, I don’t know if this is how this dude has always been and we just didn’t know or something changed in recent years for him and what they might be. I just know I don’t care. And neither should anyone else. I’m looking at you, Brad in Corona.