Antonio Brown

USA Today

AB's Not Retiring

No way!

August 13, 2019 - 10:35 am
Categories: 

An arbitrator ruled against Antonio Brown in his grievance with the NFL over the helmet that he wanted to wear. That means that he won’t be allowed to wear whatever ancient helmet he wanted to wear in games.

No way! I’m no lawyer, but I really, really thought dude had a great argument to make. 

And if that blows your mind, check this out.  Not only did the arbitrator rule against letting him wear a helmet that no one else in the league gets to wear or even is fighting to wear, Dude is NOT going to retire! Yeah I said it!! Antonio Brown is not going to leave $30 mill on the table because they won’t let him wear his preferred, ten year old helmet! 

Damn!! Mr. Big Chest!! DUDE JUST KNOCKED THE WORLD OFF ITS ACCESS.  UP IS DOWN. DAY IS NIGHT. THE HELL ARE YOU DOING, MBC??! 

Dude, I really thought you were ALL IN, on this helmet thing. Weren’t you the dude that tried to sneak onto the practice field with that banned bucket? And when the team told you to take it off, weren’t you the same dude that tried to repaint in yourself so no one would know that you were actually still rocking it??? 

C’mon man! And weren’t you the dude who just a few days ago was threatening to walk away from the game because you felt so passionately about playing with that old helmet.  What happened to taking a stand against, you know, player safety. What happened to your willingness to leave all that money on the table in the name of principle? And playing with that ancient bucket. What happened to all that?! What happened to saying what you mean, and meaning what you say?? If it sounds like I’m rattled, it’s because I am! I mean, dude, if we can’t believe in you, who or what the hell can we believe in? I have to know. So I went to his Instagram feed and AB tried to explain himself,

"While I disagree with the arbitrator's decision, I'm working on getting back to full health and looking forward to rejoining my teammates on the field. I'm excited about this season appreciate all the concerns about my feet --!” #Always A Fight #Represent #its bigger than me

And he even included a foot emoji, in case you weren’t clear.

So you mean the implied threat of retirement wasn’t real? You were just playing poker. That you never intended to leave even a nickel on the table; and retirement, especially over something this stupid, was never, ever a possibility. No way!! Damn dude, you really had us going. I mean, I thought you felt so strongly about it, you were going to go all Craig MacTavish with it and play without a helmet altogether, if they weren’t going to let you rock yours. 

So, if it’s not about the helmet, what the hell is this all about? Wait a minute…Were you running a little misdirection? 

Was it all a distraction just to keep people from focusing on your nasty, crusty, frostbitten feet?

Maybe. Possibly. Probably. In other words, if getting frostbite, in the summer, in France is the worst look and dumbest thing ever, what do I do to get them to look away and focus on something else? I threaten to retire if they don’t let me wear my ancient helmet that the manufacturer stopped making in 2011 and that the NFL has banned. Hell, that’s ALMOST as stupid as getting frostbite, in the summer and France, and will probably get them to stop focusing on that. 

And in the meantime, just to make it look good and make it look like it really is about the helmet, I’ll just explore that loophole which says if I can find the same make of helmet that is less than ten years old, the league might actually approve that bucket. 

Which means that theoretically, there is now a massive search going on around the country for a very particular helmet in a very particular size that was manufactured between 2009 and 2011. And maybe if they find that and if Antonio Brown likes it, he can paint it up and wear it.

Or, maybe, and hear me out on this one, because this notion is waaaay the hell out there….but try to stay with me on this….maybe, possibly dude, could just, you know.  Do what every other player in the league has done.  And just try to get used to the new helmets.

I’m not wanting to minimize the fact that changing a helmet can be a big deal for some guys. And if you are running a route and looking back for the ball, it can throw you off to have a different field of vision than what you’re used to.

But it’s like anything – like a new phone or a new laptop or a new anything - you have to get used to it. And you really should think about getting used to it if the new equipment is better and safer than the old stuff.

But again, let’s not get too far off point: again…, how much of all of this is about the helmet and how much is about the fact that his feet are jacked up? How much of him sitting out has been because he can’t wear the helmet he wants and how much is about the absurdity and ridiculousness of getting frostbite on your feet in the summer? In France. Because you don’t throw on the right shoes before getting into a Cryochamber; something you’ve probably done 100 times before.

I’m guessing it’s the latter. I’m guessing that, sure, he’d like to keep wearing the other helmet, but that a good chunk of this is about wanting some sort of distraction from the distraction of his feet. Because if we weren’t talking about his absurd issue with the helmet, we’d be focused exclusively on the absurd issue with his feet.

Again, we are talking about a guy who has frostbite on his feet. In the summer. Not just a guy. A guy who makes his living with his feet. That’s the moneymaker. They are valuable as hell. Antonio Brown’s feet and hands are amazing. They are the kind of things you get insured by Lloyds of London. You take care of them.

You don’t go hopping into negative triple digit temps without proper protection.

Or maybe you do. And then you get frostbite. And then the skin on your feet starts drying up and cracking and coming off in huge sheets. And then you generate a controversy over a helmet to shift the focus from the controversy on your frostbitten feet.

The bottom line is – Antonio Brown is not retiring over a helmet. He was never retiring over a helmet. Nobody ever thought he was. Leaving 30 mill on the table? Over a helmet? Psst. Please. He wasn’t leaving 30 cents on the table over that helmet. And now we can go back to focusing on his nasty, disgusting, jacked up, dead-skin riddled, coming off in sheets, feet. You know, the stuff that really matters.