Zach Smith

USA Today

Adult Content, Clones

I’m not sure you dopes can handle it in a mature and sensitive manner.

August 20, 2018 - 10:08 am

This next topic is going to have some adult content. I actually hesitate to even bring it up because I’m not sure you dopes can handle it in a mature and sensitive manner, but it is part of a news report about Zach Smith, Urban Meyer, and Ohio State football, so I can’t ignore it. But what I can ignore is your idiotic comments about it. So I will only take your comments, your tweets, your emails, and your phone calls if they are appropriate, if they are mature and if they address the issues at the heart of the matter.

In other words, this is a giant trust fall. And I trust that you will probably fail. But even so, I can’t ignore the story, so I’m just going to jump right in. 

I’m going to start with the headline of Brett McMurphy’s article on It reads, and these are their words, not mine: Zach Smith Ordered Sex Toys to Ohio State Offices, Had Sex With Staffer, Took Nude Photos at White House.

Whelp, we’re done here. Shut it down. Let’s go home. 

Just when you think there’s absolutely no way this story could get any weirder, any creepier, any more bizarre, here comes a headline that includes: sex toys, sex with staffer, and nude photos at the White House. 

Do I have your attention? How’s that for a headline. Complete insanity. It’s like a Mad Libs jumble of things that I never thought I’d be saying about a college football assistant coach. 

Okay, now here’s the first sentence of the article: Documents and receipts Stadium has obtained show Zach Smith ordered more than $2,200 in sex toys, male apparel and photography equipment and had the items delivered to him at Ohio State’s Woody Hayes Athletic Center in 2015.

Well, okay then. A few sentences later, you get this one from the football coach’s ex-wife: Courtney Smith said Zach Smith took multiple photos of his penis inside the Ohio State coaches’ offices, inside the White House when the Buckeyes visited in 2015 and also photographed himself in the coaches’ offices receiving oral sex and having sex with a OSU staffer.

What?!? There is so much going on in that sentence, I don’t even know where to start. This dude is just rolling around the Woody Hayes Athletic Center taking photos of his junk? And then doing it at the White House? What the hell is wrong with this guy? And who goes to the White House to celebrate a national championship and says, you know what would be great – if I took a junk pic here. What a scumbag.

Look, I’m not normally going to judge other people for what they’re into. Whatever you’re into, as long as it consensual and you’re not hurting anyone, it’s none of my business. But when you’re allegedly just roaming the football facility taking photos of your penis, a line has been crossed. And when you’re doing it at the White House, I’ve got serious questions. 

And that’s before we get to him allegedly having sex with an Ohio State staffer in the coaches’ offices and photographing that, too. How did this guy have any time to coach?  Hey bob crane… put down the camera and pick up a whiteboard. Maybe draw up a few plays instead of snapping off a few pics. 

The article goes on to list some of the items that Smith allegedly ordered and includes screenshots of the order confirmations along with Smith’s name and the shipping address to the Woody Hayes Athletic Center. I could read the list of items, but I’m not going to because I’m not exactly sure what I can and can’t say on the air, but let’s just say that there were a number of devices and contraptions with names that include words like “lifter,” “suspenders,” and “harness.” 

Again, he’s an adult. He can buy whatever he likes, but why the hell is he having that shipped to the football offices? Have it shipped to your house. And if you don’t want to do that for some reason, get a post office box. Don’t ship it to your office, unless that’s part of the thrill and it sure seemed to be.

But really, above all of these questions, many of which will never get answered, there remains a single question: why did Urban Meyer keep this guy around?

And another follow up question: what the hell?

Seriously. What the hell was going on there? I’m not saying that Urban Meyer needs to be working in the mail room at the Woody Hayes Center, sorting boxes, and looking for things like “lifters” and “suspenders,” but damn, man, how do you not know that all of this is going on, literally right under your nose. Again, order sex toys to your office might not be a fireable offense on its own, but where does allegedly having sex with a team staffer in the football offices fall on that spectrum? And where does photographing your junk at the White House fall?

I ask, because I don’t know. But I don’t have to know. Urban Meyer does. And for some reason, he either didn’t know or didn’t care to know. But the more this goes on, the less acceptable that answer is. Because these questions are minor compared to the alleged domestic violence incidents that Smith was linked to. And it all keeps coming back to the one question: Why the hell was he still on Meyer’s staff? What does he know that couldn’t be replaced? The guy was a freaking wide receiver coach. An assistant coach who never got promoted anywhere near head coach; What the hell was Meyer doing protecting him and entrusting his career and rep to him??? Dumbest thing ever. 

Because right now, I’m having a really hard time figuring out what justification he had for coaching. Shoot, I’m not even sure he had time to coach, what with all the mail he was receiving and all the pics he was taking. I’m not looking for answers from Zach Smith. I’m looking for them from Urban Meyer and so far, his answers have been pretty weak. And by weak, he has none. The guy couldn’t look any more like a hypocrite than he does right now; and you have to wonder how much more there’s there that we don’t know about.