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Bart Freaking Colon

This guy is the best.

May 17, 2018 - 11:35 am

Someone go pull the world off the Seattle Mariners because no one anywhere is having a worse week than these cats. First they find out their best hitter has to do 80 games of hard time for being a dirty drug cheat—allegedly—and then the rest of the non-bull roiders had to step into the box yesterday and get straight mopped  by—who else?: Big. Sexy.

Bart Freaking Colon. 44 years young and still wrecking Major League lineups. And the Mariners, too. Yesterday’s line was filthy: 7 and two thirds. Four hits. No earned runs. And three strikeouts. That dust job of the Mariners dropped his ERA on the year to—wait for it—2.82. That’s right. Big Sexy is sub-3 right now. As a 44-year-old. 

Hey Robbie Cano. I see you working. If you’re gonna get popped—get popped before you gotta stand 60 feet, six inches from Bart Colon. Heady play, Rob. Heady play.

Big Sexy spitting in the face of Father Time and spinning age-defying gems is nothing new. It’s what this dude does. It’s who he is. But how about some bleeping credit for his defense, for real? Yeah, I said it: His defense. Don’t’ believe me? Check this.

Bottom of the 4th. Jean Segura at the dish, and a come backer pops him right in the belly.

Exit velo has never been a more meaningful stat than right here, right now. 101 miles per hour off the lumber of Segura and straight into the gut of Big Sexy. 101 miles per hour. And Bart didn’t die. The ball did. My man’s stomach ate that rock up and spit it straight the ground right in front of him for the easy throw to first.

I’ve officially seen enough. Send this dude his Glove Glove or Gold Gut or Gold Lap Band or whatever the hell it is you send to someone who swallows a 101 mile-per-hour comebacker with his spare tire. And while you’re at—just save on the shipping cost by throwing in the AL MVP, too. Because he deserves that, as well.

Normally when you see a pitcher getting tattooed by a comebacker you don’t see the same dude literally laugh off the training staff who comes blitzing out of the dugout to make sure they’re alive. But that’s what Bart did. He freaking laughed at the horrified medics and then continued on with his best outing of the year.

The only thing better than Big Sexy using his bread basket as a backstop was his quote afterwards: “The important thing is we won the game. He got me on the side. It was not in the middle. And I have a big belly, so I can handle it.”

This guy is the best. And it’s not even close. He is a national treasure. And a hell of goalie, too. Because that’s what it looked like. It looked like some dude between the pipes just wearing one off the gut. Except Bart didn’t have pads. Because according to him—he’s already insulated enough. 

Big Sexy turns 45 next week and instead of saying an early happy birthday I think I’ll just say this: May you live forever, Bart. May you live forever.