Ben Affleck

USA Today

Ben Hits The Box On Way To Rehab

We're all rooting for you.

August 24, 2018 - 11:36 am

Here’s a headline I wish I never I saw:

Ben Affleck Stopped At Jack In The Box On The Way To Rehab

Let me read that again one more time so we can all process that together:

Ben Affleck Stopped At Jack In The Box On The Way To Rehab

You know that’s a loaded headline when rehab isn’t even the most disturbing part. Because going to rehab actually isn’t disturbing. It’s smart. And responsible. If you need it. Which apparently Bag Affleck does because the gossip rags say this dude is in a bad way ever since his longtime girlfriend split with him.

But of all the headlines I’ve ever seen in my days of doing this—I can’t really remember one that I’d want my name in less.

Jim Rome Stopped At Jack In The Box On The Way To Rehab

Believe me—nothing against J-Bo’s and those wet envelopes of cat food they call tacos—but my last meal on the way to in-patient rehab is going down at Javier’s. Or In-N-Out. Not the Box.

I mean Ben really has to be in a bad place to want to pile drive his gut with taco shells that could double as prison shanks. But maybe he’s a Buttery Jack guy. Hell, he looks like he’s a Buttery Jack guy. 

Like I said—the rehab part of the story isn’t startling. It’s refreshing when people decide to get the help they need. The photo of his ex-wife Jennifer Garner no-look handing a bag of Jack-In-The-Box to him is startling.

If a picture is worth a thousand words—this one is worth a thousand takes. Freaking Jennifer Garner—who was allegedly stepped out on for the nanny—soccer-mom style passing a bag of fast food to her overgrown 46-year-old child in the back seat. Incredible.

If you haven’t seen the photo—it’s a must. Garner in the front seat, an unnamed woman riding shotty. And Ben Affleck—sweaty as can be—the back. Alone.

Three people. One bag. Which means that other two weren’t eating. That pit-stop at the Box was solely for Ben. And the smell left in the car when he’s done inhaling the contents of that bag will be solely for Jennifer. 

Now, why the other unnamed woman in the car? What’s her role here? Great question. Because she served a purpose and it wasn’t the carpool lane access. Her job on this trip to rehab was to get out the car and go make Ben’s order. 

What a gig.

Nice of Ben to let that lady ride in the front—but I’d probably want to be to back seat alone with my Jack-In-The-Box, too, if I was the only one eating.

I really wish these people hit the drive-through, though. I would have loved to have seen the reaction on the employee who handed a sack of Box to Jennifer freaking Garner and Bag Affleck. I also would have loved to have seen if J-Garn whipped out a Capital One card to pay for it while asking the pizza face inside the window, “What’s in your wallet?”

It's been a rough go for Affleck. Batman vs. Superman. The nanny. The beach photos. The break-up. And now the all-time declaration of apathy by backseat crushing Jack-In-The-Box while your ex-wife shuttles to you to rehab.

Again, I'm very happy this guy is getting the help he needs. I commend anyone doing that. It's important. It's smart. It's responsible. So good on Bag for doing that. 

My only advice would be--when Jennifer picks you up after you complete treatment--maybe stop at a Tender Greens on the way home. And walk proudly through the front doors. And order a damn salad you slob.

Stay up, Ben. We're all rooting for you.