Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson

USA Today

The Cat vs. The Fat

And I Could Not Give A Damn.

August 23, 2018 - 1:02 pm

The moment the two most insufferable fan bases have waited for is officially coming to pay-per-view Thanksgiving weekend. Tiger vs. Phil. Eldrick vs. Lefty. Polo vs. Long Sleeves.The Cat vs. the Fat. Whatever you want to call it, it’s going down in late November.

And. I. Could. Not. Give a damn.

This thing is such a scam. Because nothing screams blatant money grab like two dudes a decade past their prime going to out to some track in Vegas, to turn their honks upside down, and shake out some pockets. Pay-per-view? Golf? 25 other—better—guys play every single week for free. In real events. But these grifters want you to break off some greenbacks to watch them do something we’ve all seen them do for the past two decades on basic cable?

So ask yourself this, marks: How much are you willing to pay? Because you know that was topic number one in the negotiations for this whole thing. A bunch of really smart people sat down and asked themselves: How stupid—in dollars—are these fans? I don’t know the number because no one does. But I can’t wait for the reveal. I hope its $100. And an extra $10 for H.D. I really do. I want to see just how dumb some of you are. 

And I know so many of you are thinking right now that I’m a hater. I’m not. Hell, last Monday I lead the show talking about how the Cat was likable now and his red shirt wasn’t just a costume anymore. That he was playing real events—not some made up carnival cash grab. And contending. And what a great story he is. I gave the guy the ultimate tip of the hat. Because he earned. Now they’re both getting the ultimate kick in the ass, because they earned that too.   

Don’t shoot the messenger—but these two dudes have a combined one win with between them the last half decade. And now they’re gonna play a match where the worst you can finish is second and you have a 50/50 shot of winning a stack of cash four times bigger than 1st place at the Masters. This is a con-job. And a straight up hustle. And very fitting to go down in Vegas. At least Phil won’t have to go far to throw down at a window. 

But someone please take this dude’s phone from him. He’s as bad at Twitter as he is at lying about why he stick handled a moving ball at Shinnecock. And it’s zero coincidence at all that Hefty joined the social media platform just in time for the big announcement of his match against El Gato. And the only thing phonier than this head-to-head battle is Phil trying to running junk on Twitter. 

I don’t read bad tweets on this show and I’m not gonna start now. Especially for Phil. But Tito Ortiz calling Chael Sonnen a bad girl thinks Hefty sucks at smack.

C’mon, man.  Only thing worse than asking me to actually watch this, is making me pay to watch it.  Here’s an idea, has been’s: put your own money up, winner take all, and put it on free TV and maybe, maybe I’ll watch it. I liked these dudes a helluva better when they hated each other. And when hefty could still play. 


So don’t be looking for my take on it after it goes down, because I’m not watching it.  I’ve got better things to do with my time and my money than give them to these two jokers.