Phil Mickelson and Tiger Woods

USA Today

Cat vs. Fat Match

Forget counting strokes, I thought someone was going to have a stroke.

November 26, 2018 - 11:26 am

Forget watching the match, did you hear the match? And by “hear the match” what I really mean is “hear the breath” because somebody was breathing awfully heavy during that round. 

The mics were there to pick up the conversation between the two golfers and supposedly to pick up some smack talk. But Tiger and Phil couldn’t even manage that. Instead of talking to each other, they just marched around, breathing. 

Folks in the truck, feel free to dial back on the mics a little, because nobody needs to pay money to hear some guy wheezing and gasping his way around the course. 

I guess I should probably do the professional thing and talk about the news coming out of that circus, the news being that Phil won. But really, is anyone talking about that? The only news coming out of the match is bad news. 

And if you want to say that it failed to deliver, you’re wrong. Dead wrong. It was exactly what you should’ve expected. It completely delivered. 

People were paying 20 bucks to watch two past-their-prime golfers show up for a big fat, breathy cash grab. What did you expect it would be? Did you actually think that it would provide some level of pay-per-view action? Did you think it would be cool, fresh compelling?

Hell no. Your first hint was the fact that Samuel L. Jackson said it himself in the opening: “its golf, man. How excited can you be?”

Answer: not very. 

Especially when the golfers who are participating aren’t that excited either. I don’t know if it was the tension of playing for all that money that most definitely wasn’t already divided up between the two of them before hand, allegedly. Or the fact that they just didn’t really care, but there was none of the alleged action that was part of the promotion of this sideshow.

It was five hours of non-exciting golf shots and a crapload of breathing. Heavy freaking breathing. Remember all those side bets that everyone was supposed to get hyped about? Yeah, weren’t many of those? And the ones that did happen were about as boring as you can possibly imagine. 

And as for that shootout between two old rivals? Nah, it felt more like just two old guys chunking it up and conceding one putt after another to each other. 

How about the final three holes being played on a 93-yard hole under the lights? That was supposed to be exciting. It was not. I wasn’t sure it was going to end.

As Charles Barkley said: “I just want America to know this has been some awful golf. This is some crappy golf.”

You know the golf is bad when the Chuckster is saying it’s bad. And he was one of the broadcasters. 

And worse than that, the whole pay-per-view system went down and a bunch of people ended up watching it for free. In fact, the system going down is probably the thing that actually kept it in the news by Monday, because that vanished without a sound on Friday. Well, with one sound: breathing. Heavy, heavy breathing. 

Years from now, when I think of “the match,” if I ever think of “the match” again, I’ll just be thinking about that breathing. Twitter had Darth Vader and Tony Soprano jokes for days. 

Phil was selling the match hard last week, saying that people who didn’t buy it would have serious fear of missing out. My man, based on that mic work, you should have serious fear of missing breath. Because that was a nightmare. 

That guy is a black belt? He needs to take off that black belt and get on a treadmill, stat. I thought I was going to hear an on-air death. Forget counting strokes, I thought someone was going to have a stroke.

Was he playing 18 holes or running 18 miles? I couldn’t decide whether they needed to get him a cart or an ambulance. 

It was every bit the crap show, I knew it would be, only worse. And my biggest regret was telling you all that I wouldn’t have a take on it because I wouldn’t be watching it.  But I did. And I hate myself for it.