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David Akers Demolition Company

The City of Philly is straight living its best life.

April 30, 2018 - 12:06 pm
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The City of Philly is straight living its best life. It just is. Tell me there’s a hood you’d rather be repping right now and I’ll tell you’re lying.

From the Eagles run, to the ‘Nova championship, to the 76er’s second round ticket punch—it’s just been an electric three months for Philadelphia. Let me put it to you another way: How many times has your local law enforcement greased up light poles in 2018? That’s what I thought.

And just when it looked like things couldn’t possibly get any better—David Akers, of all people, rolls into Jerry World and burns that house to the ground, on live television.

Hey, Cowboy Fan—don’t you dare think the weekend killed this verbal curb stomping. It didn’t. Because when a kicker body-bags an entire city with a troll job for the ages—you best believe it’s getting run back on this show. 

But first, some very quick, albeit important, backstory. 

In 2015, the NFL started moving the draft around after a long run at Radio City Music Hall in New York. Since then, it’s been in Chicago, Philly, and now the Big D. Last year, in Philly, the Cowboys rolled out former wide receiver, Drew Pearson, to make their second round pick in front of a bunch of rabid Eagles fans. In case you forgot, it went like this:

Thanking a fan base that hates you for your career is pretty damn strong. Strong enough that the Eagles couldn’t wait to counter it this year when they called on David Akers to lob the grenade right back at Cowboys. But before Akers ever got near the podium in Dallas on Friday night—Pearson caught wind of who the Birds tapped for the job. And he wasn’t impressed, and blasted Philly for using a kicker to announce the pick.

Rest in peace, kickers. Drew Pearson nuked you all in attempt to burn David Akers. And right about now—it’s impossible to say that Pearson and the Cowboys aren’t getting the better of this fight. Because they are.

But don’t sleep on Akers. The dude hasn’t had his turn yet. And just like in every great battle rap—you don’t know what kind of heat the other guy is packing until you’ve heard him take hit shot. So here’s David Akers—Philly legend—in Dallas—to announce the Eagles second round pick on Friday.

AT&T Stadium—aka Jerry World—2009 through 2018. Detonated and turned to rubble by David Akers Demolition Company.  

Hey Dallas, the last time you were in a Super Bowl, these draft picks weren’t even born.

Scoreboard, bitches. 

And, sure, Cowboy Fan would love to get into a ring counting competition. But let’s be real. We live in a what have you done for me lately kind of world. And the Boys haven’t done bleep lately. And the Eagles are still street-cleaning beer and chewed up horse dung off the parade route. 

So go ahead and count the Lombardi’s, Cowboy Fan—but don’t pretend like a kicker didn’t just annihilate you in your own house. Because he did. One thing for a wide receiver in Drew Pearson to troll Eagles fans last year—entirely another for the Eagles to counter with a kicker and totally get over. 

What a Trojan horse move by Philly. And damn does that team have some fire public speakers. First it was Jason Kelce and now it's David Akers. Don't mess with the Birds. Because the Cowboys just found out it'll cost you your dignity. 

David freaking Akers--if you need him. That’s a kicker who just snatched your soul, Dallas.         And if you wanted, I’m sure he would’ve been happy to meet you out in the parking lot afterwards.