Cody Parkey

USA Today

A Double-Doink Loss

Hey Bears fan, do not turn this guy into the new Steve Bartman.

January 07, 2019 - 10:17 am

Wild Card weekend is one of the best sports weekends of the year. And this one more than lived up to the hype. It smashed it. Four games and each one had something that blew your mind. And even if the first three didn’t do it for you, the last one, Philadelphia at Chicago had to.

Seriously, you could’ve missed first three games… and the first 59 minutes of Eagles-Bears and still had an incredible sports weekend. Because that final minute was that good.

Philadelphia down 15-10. Fourth down. Ball on the Bears 2 yard line. 56 seconds left. Roll it.

Oh, I left out a key detail before we played that. The key detail is this: Nick Foles was the quarterback. And if Nick Foles is the quarterback in a crucial moment in a playoff game, you already know how it ends. Of course that was going to be a touchdown, because that’s what Nick Foles does. He goes from good quarterback to unreal in pressure moments. It’s the freakiest thing ever. And the most predictable thing ever.

It doesn’t matter that he’s going up against the best defense in the NFL. It doesn’t matter that he’s throwing to a receiver who’s only been with the team for half the season. 

And yes, the already tired thing to say right now is that the Golden Tate trade paid for itself on that play, but the trade paid for itself on that play. But Nick Foles could’ve had me on the field instead of Tate, and he still would’ve found a way to score. 

It was always going to be a touchdown. And I’ll say it again: because that’s what Nick Foles does. 

Before the ball was snapped on fourth down, the only question was: would Chicago be attempting a field goal to tie the game or win it. And after a long replay review, one of many over the weekend, the answer was: for the win.

And after a huge 35-yard return from Tarek Cohen, Mitchell Trubisky threw an incomplete pass on first down and then a clutch pass to Allen Robinson on second down. As perfect a pass as you can throw in that situation. So clutch. And the Bears were within field goal range. Soldier Field was going insane. And it was only going to get better, because an 8-yard pass to Robinson on the next play got them even closer. After a spike and an incomplete pass, it was time for Cody Parkey to win the game for the Bears.

I could introduce the clip, but you already know it, so let’s just roll it.

That wasn’t just one doink, that was a double-doink. I didn’t know that was possible, but if anyone could do it, it would be Parkey, who had four in one game earlier in the season.  And another last week.

Staley Da Bear wilts like an inflatable that was just stuck with a pin. Hell, that whole stadium had all the air sucked out of it. I’ve never seen that much shock all at once. The reaction shots on the Bears sideline is like something from a Renaissance painting. Even the Eagle players were stunned. 

And the fans? Jaws were slamming into seats. Because that stadium just endured the biggest buzzkill and record scratch ever, with the worst sound ever. 


And then it’s followed by this sound, as Parkey left the field at the end of the game.

You knew the second the ball didn’t get over the crossbar, that reaction was coming. Just like you knew degenerates were going to hop on twitter and send some of the most vile, despicable crap at Parkey. Look, I get it. You’re angry that your team lost. But if you feel the need to thumb out a bunch of garbage at another human being, you’ve never even met, you’re the loser. Not Parkey.  Parkey’s not the reason your life didn’t out the way you had hoped.   You are.  And I’d love to sit here and tell you that no one felt worse about that double doink than parkey, but that’s not true. Plenty of you losers actually felt worse than he did: how else do you explain the utter garbage you were thumbing out to him. Trust me, Parkey felt like crap: but unlike some of you, he handled with complete class and dignity:

Again, I wish I could say that all fans handled it as well as he did.  But I can’t. 

Hey Bears fan, do not turn this guy into the new Steve Bartman.  It’s’ not right. In fact, it’s all wrong. For a number of reasons. 

One: it looked like Eagles defensive lineman Treyvon Hester might have gotten a hand to it. 

Two: It’s not like the offense was exactly killing it in the red zone. They had a total of one touchdown the entire game. 

And Three: Let’s not forget, the Bears had the best defense in the NFL and they gave up a 12-play, 80-yard touchdown drive with the season on the line. 

Yes, this conversation is completely different if Parkey makes the kick. He’s an absolute legend and probably never has to buy another drink in Chicago. And while he’ll get most of the blame, there were plenty of other guys in Bears gear who could’ve stepped up earlier and didn’t. 

And now Parkey gets to wear it for everyone. He gets to wear the tweets, the boos, and the creeps who are saying things like they don’t feel sorry for him because of how much money he makes. You think he wouldn’t immediately write a check for this year’s salary just to have that kick back? I guarantee he would.

I’m not saying you have to hype Parkey for trying really hard. Or cheer him off the field.  The guy had a job to do; and just didn’t’ get it done. I’m not even saying you can’t be pissed. I’m saying don’t reach for your phone or your laptop to knockout some obscene tweet about what a waste life he is, when the only reason you’re really going it is because you hate yours. 

Yeah, Parkey was on a losing team, but you’ve got a losing life. In the meantime, go ahead and tip your hat to Philly for doing what Philly does with Nick Foles. Clutching the hell up and finding a way to survive and advance. C’mon, bears fan, you’re better than that. Or at least I thought you were.