Draymond Green

USA Today

Draymond's Diet

Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.

May 22, 2019 - 11:09 am
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Ever since Kevin Durant went down, Stephen Curry has been a man on a mission. And that mission has included breaking the record for most points scored in a 4-game sweep. More than Shaq. More than Kobe. More than LeBron. More than Kareem.

That included 26 made threes, which is the most in the first four games of a series. And that was after he put on that absolutely ridiculous 33 point performance in the second half of Game 6 in Houston.

That is arguably the best 4 ½ game stretch of his career and it’s coming in the playoffs with a busted finger and without two and sometimes three starters.

This is a two-time league MVP we’re talking about and we’re talking about him playing better than ever. That’s how good he’s been.

And yet, as good as he’s been, you can make the argument that he might not have been the best player in the Western Conference Finals. Because Draymond Green was just that good.

He nearly averaged a triple double against Portland. Think about that – nearly averaging a triple double in the conference finals. Playing insane, lockdown defense, getting after it on the glass, pushing the pace after Portland makes, somehow turning an opponent’s made basket into a fast break of his own.

And hitting 3's to ice Game 4 and the series.

It wasn’t that long ago that this Draymond seemed like he was never coming back. It seemed like he was out of shape. And it seemed like that shape was never coming back. He still played good defense, but his offense was fading. And the Warriors became a lot easier to defend when you didn’t have to guard him outside the three point line.

But then he leaned out. And this is an important thing for all of you dopes to hear. Because you kill any celebrity or athlete the moment he or she puts on an ounce. You’ll come flying over the walls like zombies in World War Z with your hilarious food puns for Pie Hard star Bruce Willis or Heavy-On Bell or Le’Veon Belt. Ricky Hatton had been retired for five years and you fools were still calling him Ricky Fatton.

Kelvin Benjamin puts on a pound or two, and you’re glossing him Calorie Benjamin, Kelvin Entenmanns, or Kelvin Benjamin and Jerry’s.

But I never hear from any of you when someone slims down. I’ll get plenty of tweets about Derek Eater, but when it turns out there was something funky about that photo, I don’t hear any apologies from you creeps. 

Just like I’m sure if I looked, I’d find plenty of emails from a couple months back about Filet-mond Green,…yet for some reason, no a single tweet or email from anyone about Draymond Lean.

And I should. Because according to reports, Draymond lost 25 pounds since March. And this is something you need to hear. Listen and learn. For two reasons – to give him credit and so you can take notes. Because I’m guessing you aren’t all the 5-percent body fat legends you all claim to be.

According to Rachel Nichols, Green gave up Snickers, Cheetos, wine, and tequila. I repeat: Snickers, Cheetos, wine, and tequila.

I’m not sure what’s more amazing. That Draymond was able to lose 25 pounds in that short a period of time? Or that a world class athlete, playing at that high level, was doing it while smashing Snickers, Cheetos, wine and tequila. Reminds me of the time I went in to say good night to my son Jake when he was 5 only to discover he had this crazy stash of Halloween candy under his bed: wonder is Draymond was stashing all his Snickers, Cheetos and Don Julio under his bed. Or just rolling light Dwight Howard with his backpack and stashes all over the place. And even better question, how the hell did Draymond give it all up: sugar is the new heroin. And this dude just went cold turkey.  Not even one of those, if you had to, what would you give up, desert or booze; he did both.  And if sugar isn’t’ crack, then cereal is! And he quit all of it: sugar, cereal and the sauce!

But again, I’m not sure what impresses me more: that he quit all of that; or that he was running with all of that on board in the first place. 

I know he wasn’t playing at the usual Draymond level during the season when he might have been carrying an extra few, but how was he able to play at any level eating all of that? Dwight Howard allegedly eating the equivalent of 24 Hershey bars a day, and lugging around a backpack full of candy everywhere he went, can’t believe that diet.

And then he cuts out all of that junk from his diet and he’s back to being an unstoppable force. Amazing.

You know what they say. Nothing tastes as good as thin feels. But if you ever want to know how good winning an NBA title feels, it has to feel awesome, because it’s worth giving up all of that.
So come in here and celebrate Draymond Lean or Draymond Greens. Because if you’re going to crack other fat celebs, you better come in when they get right.