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Embiid’s All-Time Relapse

I got your back, bro. I’m here if you need me.

April 02, 2018 - 12:02 pm

Let’s talk hoops. Shooter’s shoot. It’s what they do. And shooter’s shoot—even when they’re recovering from an orbital fracture surgery. And shooter’s shoot—even when they say they’re not gonna shoot anymore.

Joel Embiid—my guy, my dude, my man—had himself one helluva Saturday. It started early after the 6’ers released a statement that the Big Man underwent successful surgery to repair an orbital bone he busted up last week when he clanged faces with Markelle Flutz. The good news is that the surgery went well enough to project a much earlier return than originally anticipated. In fact, Embiid could be back in two weeks if all goes to plan. That’s huge for The Process. And, if we’re being honest, that’s huge for me. Because I love this guy. We’ve been over this before. Dude’s a national treasure. And no one appreciates him like me.

And after orbital bone surgery, this national treasure flipped on the semifinal game between his Jayhawks and the Villanova Wildcats. That game didn’t go well for The Process and neither did this relapse tweet. 

“Babe, are you single or nah? @Rihanna” 

One word for your Joel: Nooooooo!!!!

And I don't mean, "no" like "no, she's not single." I mean, "no," like, "no, you did not just tweet that."

Joel! I thought we were past this? I thought we moved on. I thought you had gotten over Rihanna’s dead silent denial?

If you’re new to the chase—Embiid has been trying to run down Ri-Ri for years. Dude’s had it bad for Rihanna ever since he got to the League. Go throw this guy’s name in a Twitter search with Rihanna and it’ll kick back all sorts of gems from The Process like: "Had a great dream about Rihanna last night. No Lie!"

Or… "Hey baby, holla at me. Dinner at Georgios at 9:30!"

Or…his most famous, cryptic tweet regarding Ri-Ri…

"This is the truth. I was trying to get with this famous girl and she said, Come back when you’re an all-star.”

So there’s a track record here. And it took a turn this year when Embiid got the All-Star nod and then proclaimed he was moving on from Rihanna—live on TNT. 

That was the last time Hans addressed the lust for Ri-Ri. It had been months. Embiid was in control playing hard to get. Until last night when he thumbed out, “Babe, are you single or nah?”

That’s an all-time relapse. And no one knew it better than Embiid himself. Took only five minutes for him to chase that thirty inquiry with a splash of ice cold water to the face.

“Process, stop! I thought you were an All-Star.”

Could I love this guy anymore? I don’t think so. Dude just slapped himself in the face, live on Twitter. “Process, stop! I thought you were an All-Star.” That’s so good. Instead of deleting the original tweet—which is the weakest move ever—he chases it by publicly snapping himself back into reality. 


Truth is—the guy still has it bad for Rihanna. And he can’t help himself. It’s part of what makes him, him. And I said it earlier—shooter’s shoot. And they shoot even when they said they wouldn’t shoot that shot again.

Joel’s a shooter. I know you know it. You know it. He knows it. 

But he’s not happy with that shot and he wants it back. Look, hard-to-get is one of the hardest games to play. Especially when you want to be got. And I’m gonna chalk this lapse in judgement up to the fact that my man was just coming off of surgery and was more than likely not in his right mind.

So Joel—I’ve had to say it to other guys before and now I have to say it to you: Don’t tweet drunk, don’t tweet angry, and don’t tweet after surgery. 

I got your back, bro. I’m here if you need me. See you in two weeks. Back and better than ever.