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Enjoy The Rain, Mariners Fans

If I’m James Paxton I’m demanding a trade.

May 03, 2018 - 11:56 am

Been a minute since I had any reason to check up on the Seattle Mariners other than to see if they’re still serving dead bugs for food—they are—and to double check that they still have the longest playoff drought in sports—they do.

But despite how miserable this franchise has been over its 40-year existence—there’s no denying that 2018 has rolled out way above anyone’s expectations. And the lumber in that lineup has covered for that barely passable pitching staff so far. Don’t believe me? Check the fish wrap. Somehow, someway, the Mariners came into last night’s game against the A’s just one and a half back of the Astros for first place in the West.

Then the Mariners had the most Mariners night in the history of Mariners baseball. James Paxton, a.k.a. The Big Maple, pitched the game of life yesterday. 7 innings. 5 hits. No runs. And freaking 16 strikeouts.

That’s the type of game where all the apps on your phone start alerting to you what’s happening. Because with 16 punch-outs and nine outs to go—Jimmy Pax had a great look at the major league record of 20. And after 7 innings, he had thrown 80 of his 105 pitches for strikes. And the M’s were leading the game two-nothing.

So what does Scott Servais do? He gets off his painting ladder and makes a pitching change. Just kidding. Well, I’m kidding about that Scott Service getting off the ladder—but I’m not kidding about the M’s skipper, Scott Servais, making a change. Because he did. Instead of bringing out the dude who had sat down 16 of the 21 batters he faced who was working on a shutout—Scott Servias brought in Juan Nicasio who only needed to see three batters to burn Paxton’s night to the ground and urinate on the ashes by giving up a two-run shot to Jed Lowrie.

Now, blowing Paxton’s career night would have been the most Mariners thing ever. But why just blow the Big Maple’s night, when you can blow the whole game instead? Which is exactly what they did an inning later in the 9th.

To the 4,000 fans in attendance—drive home safely. Because you just knew the M’s weren’t answering the bell in the bottom of the 9th on a night last night. And they didn’t. 

If I’m James Paxton I’m demanding a trade. Get me the hell out of Seattle. Because that dude just got his first taste of what it’s been like to be Felix Hernandez for the last 10 years. And on a day where everyone should be looking back and shining up the best pitching performance of 2018—all anyone can think about is how the Mariners dug deep and found a way to lose that game. Because of course they did.

Enjoy the rain and dead grasshoppers, Mariners fans. Because somehow the baseball in that town is even more depressing than the weather and the ballpark food.