Steven Wright

USA Today

Enjoy Your 80, Knuckleballer

Body Is Temple.

March 07, 2019 - 12:40 pm
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There are some tried and true ways to know that baseball season has arrived. 

First, someone shows up fat at spring training. Next, somebody goes down in a really, really baseball-y way. And finally, a dude gets popped for PEDs and has NO IDEA how a banned substance got into his body. 

We checked box number one when Yoenis Cespedes rolled into Port St. Lucie the size of Port St. Lucie. 

His teammate Brandon Nimmo checked box number two when he missed time because he was puking his guts out after eating some next-to-raw yard bird. 

And finally, we have the case of knuckleballer Steven Wright. Who just informed the Boston Red Sox that he's going to be out 80 games because he failed a drug test and he has NO IDEA how it happened. 

Our man Jon Morosi was all over the news, tweeting that Wright was suspended after testing positive for Growth Hormone Releasing Peptide 2, also known as GHRP-2. 

USA Today's Bob Nightengale had this statement from Wright: "Although I do not dispute the validity of the test, I was shocked as I have never intentionally ingested anything for performance-enhancing purposes. I have fully cooperated with MLB and will continue to try and identify the source of the result."

Red Sox beatman Chris Mason also had a quote from Wright: "I know the truth, and people close to me know I wouldn’t intentionally do this to try to get an upper hand."

Look, baseball players taking the spike or ingesting a pharmacy is nothing new. Neither are those same dudes claiming they have NO IDEA how that stuff could've ever found its way into their body. 

But a KNUCKLEBALLER doing it? That is a different spin. 

Steve-o; you chuck junk for a living. You don't need a needle or a pill bottle, you need an emery board. 

Hit that ball with some sandpaper and you're looking at 5 games. Hit your butt cheek with some GHRP-2? Now you're missing half the year and automatically DQ'd for the postseason. 

A knuckleballer is like the last baseball player who should ever get popped for PEDs. 

Do you think the Niekro Brothers were out there cutting corners looking to add some velo to their shaker? I'm pretty sure Charlie Hough wasn’t working the backdoor of the CVS trying to get an edge – he was too busy walking the cosmetics aisle looking for a nail file. 

Those Russian curlers who got popped for roiding think this is a little aggressive for a knuckleballer. Hell, that Norwegian bridge player who got hammered for taking a female fertility drugs last week thinks that a dude floating baseballs toward home plate in the mid-70s doesn't need to juice. 

The Red Sox released the following statement after receiving the news: 

"The Boston Red Sox fully support Major League Baseball’s Joint Drug Prevention and Treatment Program and its efforts to eliminate performance-enhancing substances from the game. While we are disappointed by the news of this violation, we will look to provide the appropriate support to Steven at this time. Going forward, the club will not comment further on the matter."

But here's what they probably WANTED to release in that statement: 

YO STEVE, HOW ABOUT A LITTLE HEADS UP. 

We just let Joe Kelly walk off a World Series winner and sign with the Dodgers. We told Craig Kimbrel thanks for the memories, we're gonna promote someone from within. The only soft spot on Boston's entire roster is bullpen depth and that was before we found out you wouldn't be available to run in from the outfield for 80 games... Not to mention October. 

Look, this dude already had a strike against him for serving a 15-game suspension for violating the league's domestic violence policy. The team stood by him through that after he and his wife released a joint statement and the case was quickly retired. He's struggled with a knee issue the last two seasons, a total buzz kill after making the All-Star game in 2016. And now he's got another suspension, one he didn't feel OBLIGATED to tell the club about, according to the Boston Herald.  

Steve, you saved your baseball career with a knuckler. And you might have ruined your career with a juicer.  And if some foreign substance is just going to magically hit your bloodstream, without you knowing about it and cost you and your employer 80 games; at least have the courtesy and decency to tell them about it so they don’t have to find out about it like the rest of us on twitter.   And as you’re about to find out, there’s not better place to win than in Boston but not worse place to be if you’re a juicing knuckleballer looking at an 80 game suspension.  Tim Wakefield couldn’t be more ashamed of you, bro; and neither could the rest of us.  And the next guy juicer who knows how the roids his blood stream, will be the first.  The I’ve never knowingly taken drugs is the biggest lie ever.  And if you really don’t know how it got into your body, you should: your body is your money maker.  Body as temple bro.  Even if you are a knuckleballer.  Enjoy your 80.