Fit Alarm

Myles Garrett and Vlad Jr. are putting it in.

Jim Rome
February 25, 2021 - 10:40 am
Myles Garrett

USA Today

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For better or for worse—mostly worse—my sound engineer, Alvin Delloro, keeps a Fat Alarm on deck. A Fat Alarm is unfortunately exactly what it sounds like. It’s an alarm designed to alert the audience that an athlete or a celebrity has blown up.

Now, unlike most of you—I like to keep things fair. And balanced. And if you’re gonna make a ghoulish ritual out of laughing at people you’ve never met who may have added a pound or two or 50—then I’m gonna go the other way and shine up the specimens. Especially if they themselves went the other way and transformed from fat—to fit.

Enter Vladimir Guerrero, Jr. he’ll be the first to admit that he showed up in 2019 and 2020 looking more like Carl’s Jr. than Vlad, Jr. “I came to spring training out of shape for a couple of years. I didn’t prepare myself very well and I felt like my teammates needed an apology from me.”

So dude said it himself and he was so embarrassed by his look and lack of commitment that he apologized to his teammates. This guy was supposed to be the next big thing. And unfortunately he took that literally—because Vlad, Jr. lost his spot at third base after booting the ball a team-high 17 times—he gassed out last season and missed games with a sore knee—and has hasn’t left the yard since mid-August.

But that was several, several pounds ago. Because Vlad, Jr. told the media yesterday he has lost an astonishing 42 pounds. 42 pounds! If true, and I no reason to believe it’s not, that’s incredible:  “One day at my house I just sat down and thought about all this. I decided right then that I was going to get ready, I was going to prepare myself, I was going to work very hard for this year. I feel quicker in all aspects of my game right now. Running the bases I feel great. Before I would feel a lot of fatigue after taking ground balls. Now I can take 50, 60 ground balls and I'm feeling good.”

Vladdy the Former Fatty.

42 pounds is a huge, huge effort. And congrats to my man for shedding the weight.

So I’m here to give Vladdy his love. Because he earned it. And I can’t wait to see how it shows up between the lines. Because this kid has all the makings of a superstar. He just got lost in the sauce. The barbeque sauce.

From a slimmed down dude to the most swollen man in the entire universe. Did you all see that video of Cleveland Browns defensive end Myles Garrett on the basketball court that he dropped yesterday on Twitter?

If the answer is no, you better find it. If the answer is yes—then your jaw is shattered into a hundred pieces like mine after smashing into the floor.

There are physical specimens and there’s Myles Garrett—who doesn’t look human. And I mean that in the best way possible. No disrespect to DK Metcalf—but Myles Garrett in this hoops mixtape makes DK Metcalf look like, well, me. Look like, well, WELLS IN THE 720. He just does.

Never mind that Garrett is getting up and down the down the floor and getting up and posturizing fools on a 10-foot hoop. I can’t get past whatever the hell those things are hanging off his shoulders. I’ve seen arms before. And those aren’t arms. Those are weapons of mass destruction.

You know how we’ve been on an 11-month shortage of dumbbells because the pandemic shut down every single gym back in March and no one could find weights? Yeah—well I know where they all went. Myles Garrett has been lifting every dumbbell, barbell, kettlebell, church bell, and Liberty Bell on the planet. Hell, I’m sure this guy could rip a Taco Bell out of its foundation and bench that—with the cars in the drive-thru and all.

I love that Garrett is wearing a Jurassic Park tank. My man—I’d rather take my chances with every T-Rex that ever walked the face of the earth—than get on the wrong side of you. In fact, I’m pretty sure the T-Rex wants nothing to do with you, either.

And this guy writes poetry? How? How does any pencil or pen not instantly snap into a million little pieces when he goes to grab one? And what his poetry says is: 

Roses are red. Violets are blue. I’m super jacked, and I’ll kill you?

This video of him in that barn is mesmerizing. My man either hit the genetic lottery or he’s doing all the right things to fuel that system, 24/7/365. Or both. Because He looks incredible.

Go check this video. Notice no one bothered playing any defense on Garrett or stepping in front of him to take a charge. And can you blame them? Who the hell is looking to get outlined in chalk on the basketball court? So while y’all want to kill anyone who gains even a pound or gets their dough on, I’m going the other way and giving credit where credit is due: to Vlatty for being much less of a fatty, and for Myles for being a bleeping monster.  Y’all can keep hating and I’ll just keep hyping. Because that’s who some of you are, and that’s who I am.