Freaking Bern

89 and still going strong.

Jim Rome
April 03, 2020 - 12:04 pm
Bernie Ecclestone

USA Today

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Depending on your familiarity with Formula One, you may or may not know the name Bernie Ecclestone. But you’re about to.

Bernie is the former chief executive of F1. He worked his way up through the company to eventually run the whole thing for 40 years before stepping away in 2017 with a cool three billion in his pocket. He’s rich as hell. Successful as hell. Famous as hell.

And old as hell.

89, to be exact, and turning 90 in October.

Good for him. And even better for him is that he’s in great health.

In fact, he might be in too great of health. Because 89-year-old Bernie Ecclestone of F1 fame and fortune—is expecting a baby boy with his 44-year-old wife this summer. 

Umm—congratulations?

First off—the fact this fossil is still able to roll around in the sack is incredible. And to borrow a pun from racing—the fact he still has any gas left in the tank is unbelievable. (Gas being sperm. Tank being his old man plums.)

But that’s about as much 89-year-old reproductive sex as I ever want to think about or ever want to talk about ever again.

So let’s get down to brass tacks and the truly wild math surrounding this birth announcement.

Bernie is 89 years and about to have a baby. The same guy expecting a child this summer had his first kid—back in 1955!

So little dude’s soon-to-be oldest sister is in her mid-60. His dad is almost 90. And his mom is 44.

The good news is that the 89-year-old dad, the 65-year-old sis, and the 0-year-old son can all gum the same mashed up food. So going to the grocery store won’t be too big of a headache. Grab some diapers for all three of them and some liquid oatmeal and call it good. That’s some single-aisle shopping right there. 

That’s the good news.

The disturbing news is that a baby boy is about to have a 90-year-old bag of bones for a dad.

The average life expectancy of a man in this world is 78-years-old. And a tip of the hat to Bernie for dunking on that by 12 years and counting. But let’s not sit here and pretend like it’s a lock that he’s gonna be around to teach his kid how to drive. And if right now you’re getting upset with me for saying that—take it up with the census bureau, and science, and widely printed statistics available to anyone with an internet connection or a library card.

If you’ve got these two behind the wheel together then you’ve got Bernie living to be 105 years old. And that would be awesome. But don’t come at me for saying it’s unlikely.

Look—I’m not trying to kill a guy on the radio, but there’s a massive degree of selfishness in bringing a kid into the world whose pops is on the 18th hole of life.

Bernie was born in 1931! People born in 1931 aren’t supposed to be bringing kids into the world in 2020!

In 1931 Lefty Grove beat out Lou Gehrig and Babe Ruth for the MVP. The Great Depression and Prohibition were happening. Herbert Hoover was in office. Gas was 10 cents. Rent was 18 bucks a month. Northwestern won the hoops title before going almost nine decades without getting back into the tournament. Freaking Cab Calloway had the most popular song in the U.S.

I could sit here all day and rattle off bullet points from a year none of us were around for. But do I really need to?

It’s a story about an almost 90-year-old guy expecting a son this summer with a woman 46 years younger than him who has a step-daughter 19-years older than her.

I’m just sad I missed the gender reveal party. Could you imagine this dude packing his musket with either pink or blue gun powder, making everyone wait 90 minutes while he set it up, and then firing a cloud of dust into the air, and having the recoil just put him flat on his back?

Yay! It’s boy! Oh—and Bernie is down! Help! Bernie is down! Someone smash that Life Alert button around his neck! 

89-year-old Bernie Ecclestone has been glossed the Godfather of F1. And now he’s about to become the actual father of a baby boy this summer. A baby boy whose father looks like a great, great, grandfather.

My man—if still you’re bumping uglies nine decades in—do everyone a favor and wrap it up next time.