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Gronk Buys Stake In Derby Horse Gronkowski

Gronkowski is ready. Ready for the Kentucky Derby, that is.

April 19, 2018 - 11:44 am
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The New England Patriots offseason has been very un-New England Patriots. There have been rumors when usually there are none. There have been “reports” about past problems and some questions about the future. But finally, we have one of those questions answered: Gronkowski is ready. Ready for the Kentucky Derby, that is. HEY-OOOOO!

I’m talking about Gronkowski the Horse, who’s qualified for the Kentucky Derby, and now has a new part owner, Gronkowski the Human.

Rob Gronkwoski tweeted yesterday: It's official, I am part of the Gronkowski Team! GRONK ACQUIRES A STAKE IN GRONK ... THE KENTUCKY DERBY-BOUND RACEHORSE!

Yo! Soy! Fiesta! 

And as the great Tim Layden pointed out on twitter:

Gronk's purchase of a piece of Derby horse Gronkowski means at least 2 things:

1) More money bet on a horse that has never run more than 1 mile, never run on dirt, never run in the U.S. and never faced top competition.

2) The Walk over is going to be awesome

Yes and yes. Nailed it. My man Tim Layden is one of the best to ever pick up the pen. And knows the sport of kings, cold. And he crushes this angle. 

The truth is, Gronk the horse is a long shot. An incredibly long shot. To the point that Gronk the human might have a better chance of running a winning race than Gronk the horse. But Gronkowksi the Human told Gronk Nation, the blog, that “This horse is a winner, and I love a winner. When I heard about the racehorse being named after me, I started watching and got really stoked when he started winning. He’s won his last three races and is now headed to the Derby. I’m all in: Welcome to the Gronk Family, Gronkowski the Horse!"

And don’t get this twisted, Gronkowski the Human isn’t going to be one of those hands-off owners. He wants to be hands-on. In fact, full body on. 

He told the Wall Street Journal that “I’ve never dealt with horses. Hopefully I can get a ride on the horse.” 

The only thing more terrifying than Gronkowski running in the Kentucky Derby would be Gronkowski riding Gronkowski in the Kentucky Derby. 

When he was told that he weighs more than double the normal weight of a jockey, Gronkowski brushed it aside like a cornerback trying to make an arm tackle. 

“That’s what I want to know. I’m not trying to ride it for a full speed ride. I just want to get the feel of what it’s like to be on top of one. Maybe I’ll go for a full speed ride once I get comfortable.”

I love that. He’s told that he’s way heavier than a normal jockey and his response is, yeah, but still. I hear what you’re saying, horse person, and you’re saying that I might be too heavy for a horse, but “I’m not trying to ride it for a full speed ride. I just want to get the feel of what it’s like to be on top of one. Maybe I’ll go for a full speed ride once I get comfortable.”

Like, relax. It’s not like I’m talking about going for a full speed ride. Well, actually, I am talking about going for a full speed right, just not immediately. 

Classic Gronkowski the Human. 

With respect, big man, the comfort of Gronkowski the Human isn’t the top concern here. It’s the comfort of Gronkowski the Horse. And I’m going to say that horse is going to be pretty surprised to have a 265-pound tight end jump on it’s back just to get the feel of what it’s like to be on top of a horse. 

And I’m definitely not putting money on Gronkowski the horse in the Derby. Shoot, I’m not even sure it’ll make it to the starting gate, because it wouldn’t shock me to learn of some late night, julep-fueled training run where Gronkowski the Human sneaks into the stables and takes Gronkowski the Human out for a few laps. 

Bruh. This isn’t like sneaking some rich kid into his old mans’ garage and getting the Ferrari out for a spin, and a few laps. Just to see how much power it has. You might get it up to 150 plus. But that horse running at about 40 miles per hour is a helluva lot scarier.  Trust me. All of us in that game, that didn’t grow up in that game or had never spent time around thoroughbreds, learn the hard away. I know I did. Truth is, we all think what Gronk thinks: what a beautiful animal. Sort of like my dog, only much bigger and faster.  I’ll just go love on him. Better yet, I’ll just go get on the back of him and take him for a nice little ride or a jaunt along the beach. Sure,  if you want to die. 

Never forget the first day I met Shared Belief, the horse Jaent and I owned in a partnership. Beautiful little thing, that had just won his first race and I went to the barn to meet him. Sweet as hell, would hurt a fly: went up to hug on him, and he bit me in the arm: and looked at me like, that’s what I thought: you don’t ever, ever roll up on me ever again like that jackass. I’ve scar to prove it.

Tread lightly big, fella. Because even though you play in the baddest sport imaginable, with some of the baddest dudes anywhere, you’ve never encountered anything like this.  you don’t ride em. And you might not even pet em. Not unless you want to lose half a bicep. But you’ll learn. Just like we all have.

That aside, this is a great thing. Gronkowski the Human buying into Gronkowski the Horse is smart business and it’s great for the sport. Because one of the greatest days in sports just got a little greater and a lot Gronkier.