Head Coach Pressers

Dallas and Carolina.

Jim Rome
January 09, 2020 - 9:44 am
Mike McCarthy and Jerry Jones

USA Today

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After the flurry of NFL head coaching announcements in the last few days, we now get to the press conferences. And to people yelling about who won the press conference and how much that matters. Matt Rhule definitely brought some passion to his. And his press conference also included this detail from David Tepper. 

Tepper, GM Marty Hurney, and communications director Steven Drummond flew to Texas to meet with Rhule. Matt and Julie Rhule, and their kids were just getting back from a vacation in Cabo. The Panthers contingent pulled into the driveway behind them and I’ll let Tepper take it from here: 

Rhule “was in his shorts and his Mexico t-shirt or whatever. I don’t know if he had a suntan or not. I helped him in with the luggage. And Julie had all this food out there which was just too much food. She was just feeding us all this stuff. Marty Hurney had about 25 meatballs there, just as an aside.”  

First off, I’ve got to know, did Rhule keep his shorts and Mexico t-shirt on for the interview? Or did he change back into that legendary smock. Personally, I hope he just stayed in his beachwear, because that’s awesome. Almost as awesome as Tepper claiming that Hurney had 25 meatballs. Are you kidding me? I haven’t heard of an eating display like that since Papa John was bragging about the 40 pizzas he murdered in just 30 days. 

And there were other good stories, like Hurney saying: “I can’t stress (enough): Gets off the plane, goes in the driveway, sits in the dining room and he’s just instant energy. After an hour and a half, they’re right, I just said, ‘Oh, man, I’ve gotta turn him. We’ve gotta try to convince this guy that Carolina’s the place for him,’ because he was just very impressive.

And Rhule telling about the reaction of his son, Bryant, to the whole thing after the Panthers brass left: “my son came downstairs and he said, ‘Are we going to Carolina?’ I said, ‘No,’” Rhule said. “And — this is a true story — he stormed out of the house. He said, ‘You had one job.’ He wanted to be here.”

As you can see, that Carolina presser was full of one great story after another. Meanwhile, the Cowboys had one of their own, introducing Mike McCarthy and there were stories, but they not only weren’t great, they were nearly impossible to even follow: 

Ever since McCarthy was named as the guy, there has been one report after another that makes the dynamic between Jerry and Mike seem a little whack. There was the report of the sleepover. There was the report that their connection was “like love at first sight.”

And now there’s this from Jerry explaining why McCarthy is the Cowboys head coach. 

"My sister explained to my dad one time when she was explaining why she wanted to divorce. Dad loved her husband, and he said, 'What's gotten into you?' And she said, 'I don't hear bells.' He said, 'Bells? Bells? I haven't heard bells for the last 30 years.' The bottom line is that is a dad trying to advise his daughter on the right move. But the bottom line is, I heard bells."

You heard bells? Did you also smell burned toast? J, are you sure you’re not having a stroke?

Seriously, where was he going with that story. You’re having a press conference to announce your new head coach, why are you telling a story about your sister getting divorced? And could that story be any more convoluted? And how many mosquitas did you have to circumcise to get this deal done?

I mean…There were two bottom lines and a ton of bells and I still have no idea what the hell he was talking about. What does Jerry’s sister’s divorce have to do with Mike McCarthy getting hired? Does anyone know? Anyone?  With each passing day, Jerruh makes less and less since.  So I can’t help with that one I heard bells crap.  Did you see dead people too, Jerruh.

And how about this one? “You can get in that foxhole with somebody that hasn’t been shot at it, hasn’t ever been in a foxhole. You can get in there with somebody’s that been shot at. Or you can get in there with somebody that’s been shot at and hit and still going. Now that’s the one I want to be in there with.”

So if I’m reading you right, Jerry, you just hired a coach who’s currently bleeding out in a foxhole?

First of all, it’s high time that everyone involved in sports stopped with the war metaphors and analogies. You aren’t soldiers, this isn’t war, it’s a game. You’re not in a foxhole on the front line in Europe, you’re wearing a suit in a luxury suite. So let’s just have everyone dial back the military rhetoric. 

Secondly, as with many Jerry Jones stories, I think I followed him initially, that he wanted someone with experience, but then it just spiraled out of control. And by the end of it, I was hearing bells. Warning bells.  

And Jerry wasn’t alone telling stories that didn’t really go anywhere. Mike had one of his own: "Jerry is telling a story about the purchase of the Dallas Cowboys, and at the end of the story, he leans over to me and he grabs me by the forearm and reaches out to shake my hand and he says, 'You need to be the coach of the Dallas Cowboys.' I jumped up and hugged him. I'll stop right there. We had a hell of time. Now that's a moment. And that's a story I’ll be telling the rest of my life."

I’m going to be honest, fellas, I’m having a really hard time following you two. So McCarthy is saying that Jerry was telling him a story about buying the Cowboys and at the end of the story he told Mike that he should be the head coach and then they hugged? That is a moment, I guess. As much of a moment as you can have if it involves some super rich old guy and some unemployed middle aged guy hugging it out during a slumber party.

Here’s the big take away from that press conference and from everything that has come out about how this whole deal came together – Jerry and Mike like each other.  There’s some infatuation there.  I’m shocked that Mike didn’t go with, Jerruh you had me at circumcised mosquita (insert) just as I’m shocked,  Jerry didn’t have he and Mikey put on their towels and head down through the dressing room, kind of spanking themselves as the emulate riding a horse.  I mean, that’s what Ezekiel Elliott does: and in Jerry’s own words, that’s the type of thing that makes him an asset on and off the field: (INSERT THAT STOUND)

I’ll say this, I don’t understand anything Jerruh rambles on about anymore, but I do see him working.  As much as we’re all on the clock, Jerruh truly is running out of time: running out of time to win a super bowl and probably running out of time on life: this why he was hell-bent on finding a guy with experience who could return his team to prominence quickly, as opposed to rolling the dice on a hot shot college coach who has to learn the process. I get that. I also get McCarthy spending the last year, reinventing his process and his approach and going to school on the things that got him fired in Green Bay. Maybe he has changed. Maybe he has innovated. Maybe he will kill this second chapter the way Andy Reid is in Kansas City after leaving Philly. Or maybe McCarthy isn’t Reid and Jerry won’t be able to help himself and will mettle and interfere and not let McCarthy do what he needs to do in order to succeed.

I really don’t know what’s going to happen. I just know I need these dudes to stop having sleepovers, stop talking about hearing bells, and stop getting dusty at their pressers. Oh and they need to stop circumcising mosquitas.

Let’s just hope they look better on the field than they do at dais, because there, they looked and sounded ockwood as hell.