Mike Mayock

USA Today

Hilarious Piece Of Advice From Chucky

Enjoy, Mike.

April 12, 2019 - 1:13 pm

The first round of the NFL Draft is April 25th in Nashville, which means that two weeks from today, we’ll be talking about what the Oakland Raiders with their three first round picks. But Jon Gruden is already doing work. And by doing work, I mean already covering his ass.

He told general manager Mike Mayock: "Don't mess it up, dude. I took a lot of slings to get you three first-round picks."

Hey-o! What a hilarious piece of advice.

Chunk is the absolute best. What a beauty: dude’s a gem. A real card. Just making light of the fact that the Raiders went through a brutal season and the beating Gruden’s rep took in the process.

For a quick recap – here’s why the Raiders have three first round picks.

They have the 27th pick because they got that when they traded Amari Cooper to the Dallas Cowboys. For the record, the 24-year old Cooper looked completely lost in Jon Gruden’s offense. He had 280 yards in six games under Gruden and trading him looked like Gruden’s biggest win of the season.

Until Cooper got to Dallas and Amari had one monster game after another, including one with 180 yards and 2 touchdowns and chased that with a 217-yard, 3 touchdown performance two games later.

So that’s why Oakland has the 27th pick. Because they sent Cooper to Dallas and he practically singlehandedly saved their season and Jason Garrett’s job.

They have the 24th pick because they got that when they traded future Hall of Famer, team captain, and face of the franchise, Khalil Mack, to the Chicago Bears before the season. Whatever. All Mack did was have 12.5 sacks, a career-high six fumbles, and turn a good Bears defense into a great Bears defense. And make them a Super Bowl contender.

Whatever. It’s not like Oakland missed him. That pass rush did just fine without him, right? They had 13 sacks last season. As a team. Again, he had 12.5 on his own. They had 13 as a team. But again, hindsight is 50-50., ehhh Jon.

So that’s why they have the 27th pick and why they have the 24th pick, because Gruden traded for them. And they have the fourth pick because they sucked.

They have two picks because Gruden traded for them and one because Gruden coached them to it.

And now he’s telling Mayock to "Don't mess it up, dude.”

That part is good. The next part is even better. "Don't mess it up, dude. I took a lot of slings to get you three first-round picks."

I took a ton of heat to get you those picks. Translation: I look like an idiot for how we got those two extra picks, so please, bail me out. C’mon, man!  I need you to pick me up!  Badly. Even though none of this is your fault: and you weren’t here for any of it: pick me up and make it look like I have a plan. .

And you know what else is there in that line to Mayock, aside from it just being hilarious? The implied criticism that will come afterwards if Mayock does “mess it up, dude.”

Because Gruden is already distancing himself from the draft. The guy who wanted nothing more than to get as many picks as possible is already passing any blame that might come as the result of bad picks.

That great zinger isn’t about Gruden being humble, that’s about Gruden pointing the finger, covering his own ass and owning nothing at all... That is incredible. And it’s very on-brand for Gruden.

Gruden is still busy washing Reggie McKenzie’s blood off his tires after repeatedly throwing the previous GM under the bus and running over him, and he’s already preparing to do it with the new guy. That is a remarkable move.

It’s one thing to pass the buck, it’s another to pass the buck before it even arrives. If the three draft picks are panned or don’t work out, you know that Gruden will be the first one to say, hey, I just coach the team, I don’t make the picks.

Even though everyone knows where the power really lies in Oakland. And it’s not with the new general manager, no matter how good a talent evaluator he is.

But here’s the best part, if Mayock absolutely crushes the draft and gets three Pro Bowlers, you know Gruden will be shoving him out of the way to take the credit. It’s a win-win situation for Gruden. Blame someone else for the mistake and take the credit for the success.

Virginia head coach Tony Bennett said the other day that coaches get too much credit when their team wins and too much blame when their team loses. And he’s right.

But Gruden’s like, nah. Why would I do that? That’s for suckers.

I’m going to take all the credit when we win and none of the blame when we lose. Win-win for me, lose lose for everyone else. I thought this dude was insufferable on TV: but he’s even worse off of it.