James Dolan

USA Today

James Dolan Is Vape Guy

Hell freaking yes.

December 29, 2018 - 11:53 am
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Yesterday ESPN’s Ian O’Connor dropped a massive feature piece on New York Knicks owner, James Dolan. And it’s a damn interesting read. And if you’re looking for an immediate hook—how about the very first sentence which reveals Dolan dressed in all black ripping on a vape pen during the two-hour interview.

Hell freaking yes. James Dolan is Vape Guy. And Vape Guy is all about Vape Life. Vape Guy is the delusional idiot that kicked smoking cigs, just to switch up and put a battery powered robot dart in their gap. And then tell you how much healthier it is. Never mind that Vape Guy relentlessly hits his pen at a clip that would make Jim Leyland look straight edge. Vape Guy has no idea what it’s in that thing and has no time to be bothered thinking that maybe sucking a battery 24/7 might lead to health consequences down the road. Hey man—at least it’s not a heater, right? Right. Keep telling yourself that, Vape Guy.

But we didn’t just learn that James Dolan is Vape Guy. We also learned that James Dolan is Guitar Guy. Now, if you’ve followed this program at all the last year than you know I have an extensive history of running down James Dolan’s traveling talent show band—JD and the Straight Shot. JD and the Straight Shot is what happens when a dude with no musical skill and a helluva lot of money collide in a train wreck of shamelessness.

That’s the out of key, granola infused, vocal chords of the Knicks owner murdering a cover song on The Tonight Show. And I don’t know who’s more guilty for that performance: James Dolan for doing it—or Jimmy Fallon for allowing it. Tie for dead last.

But apparently James Dolan didn’t always wait for TV producers to reluctantly accept his sacks of cash in exchange for a stage. Because according to Ian O’Connor’s article, Dolan, “on occasion would play his guitar on the Knicks’ team plane—even after losses, according to several witnesses.”

And one such witness told O’Connor, “It was the last thing players and coaches wanted to hear. I just remember the looks on their faces.”

God, no wonder the Knicks suck. Imagine going on the road and losing and then getting on a bird, forgetting your noise cancelling headphones, and then being subjected to James Dolan murdering music in the first degree. That’s when you wanna find out if those exit doors will actually suck you out into a jet engine confetti cannon.

Everybody knew the dude in college who kept an axe within arm’s reach and was way too willing to start strumming some ballad no one asked for. And the only thing more awkward then listening to unsolicited acoustic guitar—is asking that bag to stop playing. James Dolan was that bag. Allegedly. And that’s most alpha power move I’ve ever heard of. I own the team. I own the plane. I own a guitar. Deal with it.

According to Dolan, he says that never happened and calls it, “someone’s fantasy.” You mean someone’s nightmare?! I can see why Dolan would deny it because it takes a lack of self-awareness unknown to mankind to do that to an airplane full of innocent people. But Ian O’Connor has several witnesses saying it happened. And I’m gonna go with the well sourced journo over the vape-smoking dude who’s relationship with reality is shaky at best.

Of all the egregious air travel faux pauses—like taking your shoes off, or using both arm rests, or smuggling a rodent on board—this is by far the worst. 

The article also says that Dolan hasn’t rules out selling the Knicks if the price is right and the offer is formidable. Here’s  my question: Will you consider selling the guitar? Please. How much do you want for it? I’ll double it. Keep the Knicks. Sell the axe. All will be forgiven. 

Seriously, though—you gotta read O’Connor’s piece. There are so many gems. Like the fact that Dolan will go play gigs in Europe because no one knows him over there and he doesn’t get booed. Which reminds me of the time his band was playing the City Winery in June of 2017.

Dude is literally going to Europe because of that guy in the crowd. Incredible.

Look, you almost have to respect James Dolan. The guy is so universally hated and it hasn’t stopped him from doing anything. He chucked Oak from the Garden. He almost took down a plane with his guitar playing. His ownership of the Knicks is regarded as the worst in all sports. And he doesn’t care. At all.

And there’s a Vape Pen in his mouth and a hard shell guitar case on the plane to prove it.

You almost have to respect it. 

Almost.