Jerry Jones

USA Today

Jerrah's Analogy

Are you ready for this? I don’t think you are.

August 14, 2019 - 11:26 am
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As I mentioned yesterday, if we weren’t talking Antonio Brown, we’d be talking Cowboys Contracts around the clock. And right now, it seems like Antonio Brown and Jerry Jones are locked in a battle for who can say the weirdest crap about the issues at hand. 

Normally, when someone drops a “foot circumcision” blast, that’s your game-winner. That’s Secretariat at the Belmont. Nobody’s catching up to that. But then again, Jerry is the guy who invented the circumcision reference when talking about sports. 

So if it was talking mosquito circumcision before AB ever got to foot circumcision, you know that he’s got something weird in store when it comes to talking about the contract negotiations with Dak Prescott, Ezekiel Elliott, and Amari Cooper.

Are you ready for this? I don’t think you are. Because no one is ever really ready for anything that’s about to come flying out of ol Jerrah’s gap. 

But here it is anyway: I give you Jerry Jones on the contract talks with Prescott, Elliott, and Cooper:

“Picture you were a driver of a car and you had a wreck and your hand was almost severed off, but you didn’t understand your anatomy. You look down, you’re spurting blood, you open the door, and run to the woods, and either die bleeding to death or shock. The educated man looks down, knows his anatomy, squeezes and knows his best chance is to wait for help. That’s because he’s been there a lot and done that. So I’m squeezing and waiting for help.”

Damn, pops!!! I think I just threw up in my own mouth. The hell is that!?? 

How did we get from talking about contracts for three players to a guy losing a hand and bleeding out  in the woods?

Jerrah, did you just screen Saw? Or The Hitcher. Is that why you have all that gore on the brain. I’m afraid that if someone asks him if Dak really did turn down 30 mill because he wants 40, he’s going to say, I don’t know anything about that, I just know it reminds me of that time the juice went on that dome lopping spree; you know anything about lopped domes, you just squeeze and hold on until the help arrives.

When you’re talking about a negotiation, generally, you hear something like, you know both sides are really not thrilled with the outcome, but that really does tell us that it’s a good deal. You expect that. But if someone asks you about a negotiation process, you don’t expect the first sentence of your answer to include the phrase: you had a wreck and your hand was almost severed off, but you didn’t understand your anatomy? 

Because I don’t understand that analogy. And I really don’t understand how Jigsaw, I mean Jerry, is getting from talking to an agent about a contract to severed limbs in a matter of seconds. 

Also, how about Jerry saying, “The educated man looks down, knows his anatomy, squeezes and knows his best chance is to wait for help. That’s because he’s been there a lot and done that.”

Been there a lot and done that. So, exactly, how many arm-severing car accidents have you been in?

And again, just like AB with the foot circumcision, I love how matter of fact Jigsaw Jones is about the whole thing, like talking about car accidents where someone loses a limb and bleeds out in the wilderness is perfectly normal.

Come on guys, you’ve heard this a thousand times. 

This contract negotiation is a classic case where you’re driving alone on a deserted road. You pick up a hitchhiker. You drive for a while. Dude reaches over, stabs you in the face, pushes you out of the moving car and leaves you on the side of the road to bleed out and die. Either you do, or you tourniquet your face and wait for some tweeker rolling in an 18 wheeler to happen by and save your ass. Man, if it’s happened once, it’s happened a million times. Happened to me three times on the way to practice today. 

I said yesterday that there’s nothing less exciting than talking contract negotiations and salary cap implications, but Jerry just managed to turn it into the latest edition of the Saw franchise. And in this case who has the severed hand: Jerrah or Dak or Zeke or Elliott: and did anyone get a hand circumcision.

What’s more whack, a diva wide receiver going on and on about a foot circumcision: some nutty old billionaire comparing contract negotiations with severed limbs or the alleged greatest basketball player keeping his job running his beloved team so he can tweet lists of his favorite movies and places to visit.  Or the fact that they pay to look into a camera and talk about this crap all day long. Tie for last.