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Keep Up The Good Work, J

March 20, 2018 - 12:29 pm

LeBron allegedly gaining seven pounds in a game isn’t the only jaw dropping story involving current Cleveland Cavaliers. And what I’m about to tell you is maybe even more insane than the King piling on the pounds. Let me start by saying that the Road Trippin’ podcast, which was started by Channing Frye and Richard Jefferson, might be the greatest podcast in the world not named the Jim Rome Podcast. Why? Because not only do you get great behind-the-scenes stories from current players, but you also get some incredible takes on science and history as well.

For example, it was on this very podcast that Kyrie Irving first launched his “flat earth” truther bombs. And now we’ve got a new addition to the catalog. I give you Jordan Clarkson, former Laker, current Cavalier, and thinker of big thoughts. And he has not one, not two, but three incredible angles on the latest edition.

I’m going to rank them in order. His third most controversial stance is that “I don’t believe when they went to the moon.”

Yep. Not the first guy to say it, but still, a little out there. Teammate Larry Nance Jr. asked him: “You think it was a conspiracy?”

And Clarkson was more than prepared: “I think they was in a studio in Hollywood and recorded that. Straight up. I’m just being dead honest.”

He then went on to explain his theory that centers around the fact that the American flag was waving on the moon without wind. “They gonna make the wind? They just needed something to believe in back then.”

He’s certainly not the first guy to advance this theory. In fact, it’s almost cliché to think that you believe the moon landing was faked on a studio in Hollywood. Here’s my answer to this: if you really believe it, tell that to Buzz Aldrin’s face. And see how that goes for you.

But while Clarkson doesn’t believe in the moon landing up in the sky, he does allow that there might be some interesting creatures down below the waves. Creatures like, wait for it…mermaids…”there’s so much stuff in the sea that we ain’t never seen before.”

But wait, there’s more: “Bruh, we don’t even know if dinosaurs is real—they probably down there just chilling. I’m saying, if some of them could be down just all the way in the bottom just chilling. And asleep or something. And waiting for the time to come out.”

So, to recap, he thinks the moon landing was faked, but he believes that there are mermaids down at the bottom of the ocean “just chilling. And asleep or something. And waiting for the time to come out.”

I love it. I completely buy the idea that there are mermaids who’ve been napping it out on the bottom of the ocean for centuries, hitting the snooze button, and just not bothering to come to the surface. Makes complete sense to me.

My man, normally, I’d say you need to spend more time on Apollo 13 and less on Shape of Water and Splash, but I respect it.

But all of those takes paled in comparison to the biggest truth bomb he dropped on the podcast.

“This is gonna get a little crazy, alright, I’m gonna take y’all a little left on this one…

Timeout. I love that. You know it’s going to get a little weird when someone precedes a take by saying “This is gonna get a little crazy, alright, I’m gonna take y’all a little left on this one…”

But as much as I was prepared for it to get crazy, I wasn’t prepared for what came next. “Y’all know how we got dogs and stuff right? So, I think it was bigger people in the world before us, and the dinosaurs was they pets.”

Shoutout to DJ Montage, the cohost, at this moment in the podcast. Because most people when they hear someone suggest that dinosaurs were actually domesticated house pets for giant humans that just take off their headphones, carefully unplug the podcast equipment, and throw it all out the window.

But Montage asked a simple follow up question: “How big were these people?”

And Clarkson was ready: “Oh, you look at a dinosaur. They got to be three times bigger than them.”

I’ll say this – the math checks out. The ratios work for me. I guess that would mean that in Clarkson’s world there were people who were roughly 50 feet tall and would take their brontosaurus out for a walk or pet their T-Rex while lying on a 60-foot couch. Makes sense to me.

Sure, we haven’t seen any evidence of these colossal people who would make Wilt Chamberlain and Shawn Bradley seem like Lego people, but whatever. Who wants to get bogged down in the details when you have an incredible theory like dinosaurs being pets for giants? And no, I’m not going to suggest that the league should drug test Clarkson immediately, even thought that does sound like the kind of thing that you’d think up while in a certain state. I wonder if there were dinosaur pet stores, or dinosaur breeders or rescue dinosaurs back in the day.

Look, I don’t know if Clarkson is trolling or if he really believes this. I know that Laker Josh Hart, his former teammate, was not impressed. He tweeted: @jordanclarkson so this is what you say when you don’t have me sitting next to you anymore?

I want to know more. I want Clarkson to spin off into his own podcast where he just riffs on science, history, and really whatever comes to his mind. Because whether he’s trolling or genuinely believes it, you have to admit, claiming that dinosaurs were pets for giant human beings is one of the all-time great angles. Weird is good and that is really great. Oh, and he’s averaging more than 18 points per game over his last four, but those takes are even better. Keep up the good work, J.