Patrick Mahomes

USA Today

Ketchup On Steak, Pat?

The word perfect comes to mind when you think of Patrick Mahomes.

November 15, 2018 - 2:00 pm

No doubt or debate whatsoever that the clear-cut, absolute, breakout star of the 2018 NFL season is Patrick Mahomes. Whether it’s wrist-flicking Dukes out of Arrowhead pregame—or relentlessly spinning the rock deep downfield during the game—this kid has been nothing short of pure magic. 

Sometimes the numbers don’t tell the story. With this dude—the numbers tell the story:

10 games. 9 wins. 33 house calls. 3,300 yards from scrimmage. And the best passer rating in entire AFC.

The word perfect comes to mind. But there’s that one impossible-to-ignore blemish on his record. And I’m not talking about the L he took in New England back in Week 6. The defense can wear all of that.

I’m talking about the giant ketchup stain on this dude’s life résumé. Because yesterday ESPN dropped a feature on Patty Ice and revealed some pretty harrowing details about this dude’s off-the-field exploits. 

In the piece, ESPN says Mahomes’ grandpa asked him, “What’s it like be famous?”

Straight from the article speaking about Mahomes: “For one thing, it means he eats less ketchup. He spent most of his life putting ketchup on everything. He would get bottles for his birthday. But now that everyone is watching every move he makes, he is sheepish about ordering ketchup. At a restaurant recently his mom recognized an unfilled desire as he dove into a steak. Just ask for it, his mom said. I know you want it. Patrick wouldn’t. So she asked for the ketchup and slipped it to him.”

Three letters. Three words. T.M.I. Too much information.

Look, we so badly want these guys to be open and honest and I always appreciate it when they are. But there are some things that even the overly-curious public doesn’t want or need to know. And anyone over the age of 7 putting ketchup on a steak is one of those things.

I could not respect and admire Patrick Mahomes more than I already do. Great dude. Great talent. And a great interview in Minnesota on Radio Row at the Super Bowl.

But there’s a time and a place for ketchup and it’s called nowhere and never. Except for potato products. You want to waterfall a glass bottle of 57 on French fries, hash browns, or some crinkle-cuts—by all means. Have at it. But get that juvenile condiment away from everything else. Especially steak.

Steak is the alpha of all things edible in the entire world. It’s so damn perfect as it is—that it’s freaking frowned up on to ask for steak sauce with it. Think about that. There are sauces out there—like A1—specifically designed for steak(!)—and it’s a faux pas to put it anywhere near your cow. 

I didn’t write the rules. I just follow them. And rule number 1 is—you don’t dress a steak. Especially with ketchup. And deep down Mahomes knows that. And he’s ashamed. And it’s why he doesn’t get near ketchup in public and it’s why his mom has to smuggle it to him under the table at a restaurant. 

You don’t have to be famous to stop eating ketchup with anything other than fries. You just have to be over the age of 7.

Patrick. I'm not here to hate. I'm here to help. It's not too late. The first step is admitting you have a problem. 

You're playing like a grown-ass man on the field. And I love it. Now it's time to eat like a grown-ass man off the field. 

You got this, dude. I'm here for you. If you're ever feeling tempted, just remember the immortal words of Alec Baldwin: Put that ketchup down. Ketchup is for little kids.