Robert Kraft

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Latest On Bob Kraft Video Release

Please don't release it.

April 18, 2019 - 1:04 pm

Yesterday was a horrific rollercoaster. And no, I’m not talking about the NFL schedule release. I’m talking about the Bob Kraft Video Release.

As a mini-refresher, Bob Kraft is the owner of the New England Patriots. The New England Patriots are a very successful football team. For reasons that are still unclear, Bob Kraft is accused of visiting sex workers in a strip mall in Florida and allegedly paying them for sexual acts.

And, I don’t know if you’ve heard about this, but to make matters worse, apparently the authorities have video of these acts. And if that isn’t horrific enough, the phrase "manipulating his genitals” has been used to describe what happens in the video. Other words that have been used to describe videos from the strip mall are "explicit sexual and graphic” and “pretty ugly."

Again, just in case you tuned in late, this is Bob Kraft, a man who will be celebrating his 78th birthday in a few weeks, going to a strip mall, allegedly, paying a sex worker, allegedly, for a sex act, allegedly, on the day before the AFC championship game, allegedly, and on the day of the AFC championship game, allegedly, and being caught on video, allegedly. With his 78 year old junk being manipulated. 

And right now, that video is like the shark from Jaws. We know it’s out there. We can see the fin above the water in the distance, it’s getting closer, and closer, and closer. You’re frantically trying to get the hell out of the water…but it’s closing…. quickly… closer… closer… closer….it’s Kraft’s junk! It’s coming to kill you!! Errrrrr, the shark!!

Like we all have those nightmare: the worst ways to die: being lit on fire: being eaten by a shark. Seeing a 78 year old genitals manipulated. And that’s the thing. That judge may have bought Kraft and more importantly, me, some additional time but you know it’s only a matter of time before the video surfaces. And countless millions of you dopes watch it, lose your minds, and try to wreck my show and my life. I’m looking at you Trevor Pryce.

We all know this. And we also know that it’s going to happen. This is how horror movies go. Except in this case, the horror movie is the movie of Bob Kraft. Think of the scariest movie you’ve ever seen: Pyscho…the exorcist…the shining. Get out. Yeah, well, this the flick, the one we’re talking about: the BoB Kraft porno: that’s all those rolled into one. 

And for a brief, horrifying moment yesterday, it appeared that flick was going to drop.  Any second. Because there was an emergency hearing in the case to discuss that very issue.

According to the Palm Beach Post, Assistant State Attorney Leigh Miller filed a motion that argued that unless there is a court order barring the release of the video, prosecutors will release the video. Not only would they release it, but they are obligated by state law. She argued that under the Chapter 119 “Sunshine” laws, the prosecutors in the case, “as the custodian of the records, cannot delay the release of records to allow a person to raise a constitutional challenge to the release of the document.”

Sunshine law?! That’s rich as hell. Because there’s nothing SUNNY about 77 year old, and his junk, hitting the internet and becoming the most viewed porn of all time.  Sunshine laws, my ass. That porno hits the internet and I can all but promise the actual sun never rises ever again.

I don’t know about you, but I didn’t even finish reading the report before, I started collecting canned food and bottled water and headed for my bunker. Because the moment that video drops, all hell will break loose. And it will be an ugly hell. And I for one, am not going to be here for it.

But then something happened. Judge Joseph Marx ruled that the video could not come out.

WE’VE got ourselves and April miracle; and a straight legend in Judge Joe Marx: Yes! It’s a miracle. My man lit that porno on fire: it’ll never drop. We’ll never see it. We’ve been spared! At least that’s what I thought, until I saw that the ruling is a temporary hold that will last until April 29th. DAMN IT.

My man didn’t spare us jack.  All he did was prolong the inevitable, which it makes this whole thing all the more agonizing: it makes it a longer swim to the beach: because that shark will be us there; and it will eat us while we’ll alive. 

Bob Kraft’s attorneys can talk all they want about how releasing the video will inflict “irreparable harm” to Kraft and his chances for a fair trial. To which I say, I really don’t give a damn about Kraft. He should have thought of that before he turned 77, and went to a seedy strip mall and paid for sex…the day of the AFC Championship game. He did that. That’s on him. Unfortunately, because he did that, it’s about to be all on us: because once that tape drops; I can’t keep you losers from watching it: and you can’t make yourself unsee it; and I can’t keep you from trying to wreck my show and my life with what are sure to be 20 years or Bob Kraft porno resets. I know. I still get tweets and email about Oadge, for chrissakes. Get right down to it, 77 year old Bob Kraft getting down, wasn’t the worst thing that ever happened to him; it’s the worst thing that ever happened to me. Old man was thinking about himself and his old man junk, not the rest of us. And now I’m the one who is going to have shattered life, not him. Because while we may have all gotten a stay of execution; that 77 year old man porno is still going to drop: it’s a not a question of if, but a matter of when. And when it does…none of us will ever be the same. Not him. Not you dopes. And most of all not me. Thanks, Bob. Thanks for nothing. I’d say next time keep it in your trousers. But it’s already too late.