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A Lenny Dykstra Night

There are bad nights. There are worse nights.

May 24, 2018 - 11:43 am

There are bad nights. There are worse nights. And then there are Lenny Dykstra nights. The same dude who filed for bankruptcy fraud in 2012, and allegedly trashed a Hampton’s hotel just last year—is the same dude that spawned this headline yesterday.

Lenny Dysktra Arrested After Uber Driver, Who He’d Threatened To Kill, Drove To Police Station.

That’s an all-timer. And maybe it’s just me—but I never want anyone throwing my handle into a search engine and having a headline like that kick back. Something about making death threats to Uber drivers just doesn’t read well.

And the story that goes with that banner headline is even worse. Because apparently Lenny D piled into a New Jersey Uber vehicle around 3:30am, yesterday morning. And at some point during the ride he wanted to switch up destinations. According to reports, the driver wasn’t having that and Lenny reacted the way absolutely none of us would—by threatening the dude’s life. 

Right. Because that’s the normal response in that situation.

Can you take me here instead?

Actually I can’t. 

I’ll kill you.

So if you’ve got a dude in the backseat of your car—ready to end you—what’s your next move? Probably not as brilliant as this Uber driver’s—who whipped it straight for the local police station and frantically laid on his horn as soon as busted into the lot. 

That’s a heady play. Why wait for the cops when you can go to the cops

Here’s where things get sketchy. The driver told police that Lenny had pulled a piece on him. But when cops searched the rig they didn’t find a gun. They did however find some tree, some blow, and some moonrocks on Dykstra.

That’s a helluva of Tuesday night/Wednesday morning cocktail: Weed, Coke, and some Molly for good measure. I’ll say this—clearly my man didn’t get to the Molly part of his night if he was threatening to ice the driver. Because if this dude was rolling face he probably would have been too busy caressing the seat cushions instead of shouting death threats—allegedly.

Gun or no gun—the cops still booked the 12-year MLB vet on making terroristic threats and numerous drug possession offenses—that according to TMZ. 

I’d love to say the story ends there—but it doesn’t. Because Dykstra is out on a summons to appear and he’s already talking and tweeting. 

He told the Daily News, “The driver went nuclear on me. He bleeping kidnapped me and almost killed me going 100 miles per hour. He locked me in his bleeping car and he wouldn’t let me out.”

The reporter for the Daily News also asked Dykstra if he had been arrested and Dykstra responded, “No, dude. It’s another day in the life of Lenny Dykstra.”

No dude? Like, dude, dude, no, no? You weren’t arrested? Then why is your mugger plastered all over every screen I’ve been looking out the last 24 hours? Cops don't take mug shots of citizens who aren't arrested.

As for it being another day in the life of Lenny D—yeah, I guess. If getting arrested for threatening to kill and Uber driver is just another Wednesday for you Lenny—then yeah, it’s just another day.

I mentioned Twitter. Leave it to this guy to thumb this out yesterday:

“But I keep cruising, can’t stop, won’t stop moving. It’s like I got this music in my mind, saying it’s gonna be alright.”

Recognize that? 

Dude just went Swiftie on all on all us. Legit just quoted Taylor Swift as a mantra to get him through an arrest where he threatened to kill an Uber driver and was holding, toot, chron, and X.

I’m sure Taylor Swift wrote those lyrics with you in mind, Lenny. Or maybe she didn’t. Because who the hell could imagine anyone having the kind of night you just had.

Here’s to you getting every last bit of help you need. Get well, dude. Get well and stay well. For you sake and everyone else's.