Lenny Dykstra

USA Today

Look In The Mirror, Lenny

Two words for you, Leonard: Plea deal.

October 11, 2018 - 10:34 am

Remember back in May when Lenny Dykstra had himself a Lenny Dykstra type of night? A night that involved allegedly getting into an Uber, threatening the driver’s life, and getting cuffed with a grip of tree, blow, and ice on him? You remember that night, right? 

Yeah, well so does a grand jury in Union County, New Jersey. And they’re coming down with the hammer. Because yesterday they formally indicted Lenny D on three separate charges; possession of cocaine, possession of methamphetamine, and making terroristic threats.

To quote Lenny himself from back in May: “Just another day in the in life of Lenny Dykstra.”

Yeah, I guess. If getting arrested for threatening to kill an Uber driver is just another Wednesday for you Lenny—then yeah, it’s just another day. Except now your days could look a whole helluva lot different. Because TMZ is reporting that each charge could carry a sentence of between three to five years in the slammer. 

For what it’s worth—and it’s probably not worth much—Lenny D has maintained his innocence since the moment he got fitted for silver bracelets. And police body cam footage from that night back in May reveal a conversation in which Dykstra seems pretty damn confused as to why he’s being placed under arrest.

I’m no lawyer. And I don’t pretend to play one on the radio—but it would seem, Lenny, that you’re being arrested because you’re strapped with blow and ice and an Uber driver literally drove to the police station to get immediate help after you threatened his life.

But….That’s not how Dykstra tells it. He’s on record saying the Uber driver kidnapped him. Now I’ve never kidnapped anyone before. But I’m pretty sure, if I did, I wouldn’t drive my victim to the cops if I was the one doing the kidnapping. And apparently the grand jury in Jersey feels the same way because you normally don’t get indicted on charges this serious unless they feel pretty damn good about the evidence. 

But of all the whack things in the story—maybe nothing’s more whack than Dykstra’s lawyer telling TMZ Sports, “A grand jury will indict a ham sandwich.”

I looked it up. And to this day a grand jury has never indicted a ham sandwich. And I’ll save you the joke so you don’t have to kill yourself rushing to your phone to thumb out this tweet. That if a grand jury ever did indict a ham sandwich, mama Cass would still with us. And save your bullcrap where you remind me that she didn’t choke out on a kale salad did she Rome. No. Imbeciles. She didn’t. But that’s neither here nor there, and as always I know what you think before you think it. 

I’m sure the grand jury, though, will love reading that quote from Lenny’s lawyer. Because I’m sure the grand jury really appreciates the arrogance and flippancy they’re treating this situation with. Dykstra’s over here looking at 15 years and his hired gun is out there talking about ham sandwiches and saying, “The evidence in this case overwhelmingly confirms Lenny is innocent.”

At this point I don't know who's more out of touch with reality; the guy with meth and coke on him threatening an Uber driver--or the guy defending the guy with meth and coke on him threatening an Uber driver.

Two words for you, Leonard: Plea deal. And that's if you're lucky enough to play that card. Because this case looks pretty damn open and shut. Because even if you never threatened the driver's life--you were still rolling around town with some very hard, very illegal drugs on you.

And you're not exactly walking into that court room with a clean record. At this point, that rap sheet reads like a CVS receipt. Lenny, the jig’s up. You’re bankrupt, brother.  Bankrupt morally, and financially. You’ve done some pretty horrible things to a lot of different people, including your own family. Enough already. Own it. Do your time, get the help you need, dry the hell out, and do whatever you can to salvage your remaining years on the planet. Stop lying to yourself and everyone else.

Look in the mirror, bro. That’s what it’s for, not to blast rails of the Bolivian marching powder. Look in the mirror.