Major League Baseball Finally Has A Deal

Not a good one.

Jim Rome
June 24, 2020 - 10:04 am
Rob Manfred

USA Today


So Major League Baseball finally has a deal, both sides have agreed on health and safety protocols, and there will be a baseball season. And here are the details of that season:

-  Spring training begins in a week
-  Opening day will be three weeks after that
-  There will be a 60 game regular season
-  10 teams will make the playoffs
-  The National League will have the DH

-   In extra innings, teams will begin with a runner on second base
-   Pitchers will use a wet rag to moisten their fingers instead of licking them
-   And there will be no spitting

Congratulations, guys. Really great work. And by great work, I mean, truly terrible work. Three months of embarrassing fighting and that’s what you came up with? A runner on second base, a wet rag, and no spitting? You starting an inning with a runner on second base??? YOU GIMMICKY LITTLE BITCHES!

While everyone is three months past caring about baseball, the sport is trying to make you happy that it’s back.

And man, I wish I could be fired up. I wish I could fire up Scott Stapp and hear the crack of the bat. But I’m just so tired from three months of these dopes going round and round.  Never mind, Stapp, I need some RATT DOUBLE T-T. Freaking dopes. All right. All right. Maybe I’m the one who needs an attitude adjustment. Maybe this really can work.  Maybe, this really is a good thing. What the hell?  At this point, I’m open to anything.  I’ll give it a shot.

Yeah, Stapp’s not the answer. And neither is starting an inning with a runner at second base. Gimmick little bitches ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. I’M TRYING. Instead of focusing on that one stupid idea, I’ll focus on the sport as a whole. And one of the most stories franchises in the history of the game: We all love the cheating Red Sox? The hell we do. We all hate that steaming pile of garbage. Why don’t you work that into a song? No, Parody Larry, I’m not talking to you.  Settle the hell down, Lawrence.

You see me working here? I’m dead inside. But I’m doing whatever I can to get right: I’m doing whatever I can to actually give a damn about baseball being back. And I’m trying to use my love of music to bring me back. But it’s just not working. Maybe it’s not the dopes that jacked up the MLB season, but rather those dopes that wrote those two cornball songs: Alvin, you got anything else that works? Maybe something about a national league team? 


There’s not a song, or a column or anything else that anyone can write, sing or say that is going to make forget how badly baseball has embarrassed itself the past three months. 

So don’t expect me to celebrate the return of the grand old game: because these dopes butchered a golden opportunity. An opportunity for baseball to be in the spotlight by itself for a while. After all, of the major team sports, it is the one where social distancing is built into the game. And instead of doing that, the owners took that opportunity to fight over money. Instead of using that time to try to figure out how to adapt the game during a pandemic, they used that time as an opportunity to try to break the union. 

So don’t get that twisted. And don’t forget that. When you have something ugly like this go on for months, it can be tempting to blame both sides, and for the record, the players haven’t been perfect, but the vast majority of this is on the owners. The vast majority of the disgust should be piled at their feet.

Because it didn’t have to be this way. They could’ve stuck to the March agreement and yes, it might not have been a perfect deal financially for them, but guess what – there’s a pandemic going on. Pretty much everyone is getting an imperfect deal right now.

And by the way, it’s not the owners who will be playing and exposing themselves to health risks by playing in a global pandemic.

But this sport, which has been fading from the national consciousness for years now, could’ve gotten a deal done and owned the spotlight in July. People would’ve been watching baseball around the clock. Instead of just a sport that exists in the background for five months of the year, baseball would’ve been in front of everyone for weeks on end. And maybe, just maybe, people might have been down with the game again.

They might have remembered why it used to be America’s pastime. And they might’ve wanted to come to buy tickets and come to a ballpark when they open back up again for fans.

But that’s not what baseball did. Instead of being the standard-bearer, they threw up all over themselves. And kept on puking. They weren’t happy enough to just yank on themselves once and then clean up, the commissioner and the owners have spent the last three months blowing chunks all over themselves. Over and over again.

And they haven’t just looked bad, they’ve looked incompetent. And greedy. You had great moments like St. Louis Cardinals owner Bill Dewitt Jr complaining that the baseball "industry isn't very profitable, to be honest." Respectfully, Bill, but are you kidding me with that bullcrap. Did you just say baseball isn’t very profitable?  

That’s Bill Dewitt Jr, a man reportedly worth more than 4 billion dollars complaining about money.

That’s Bill Dewitt Jr, a man who bought the Cardinals for 150 million dollars, complaining about money when the team is now worth an estimated 2.2 billion dollars.

According to the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, baseball has seen record growth for 17 straight years, “topped at 10.7 billion in gross revenue” last season. If that’s not very profitable, I would love to see what is. Next time you wonder why people hate you, it’s because you lie to them and treat them like idiots. 

And over the course of this, the question has also emerged: do baseball owners even like baseball?

Because if somehow the league was owned by people who hated baseball, they would pretty much do what the owners have done throughout the spring – stage a truly ugly labor fight, be greedy as hell, expose the commissioner of the sport as incompetent, come up with pretty much as short a season as possible, and call it a day.

Well, they finally have a season now. And it’ll have wet rags and no spitting and innings where the runner starts on second base. I hope that was worth it. But I know it wasn’t.

And by the way, the labor negotiation was supposed to be the easy part. The hard part is playing a baseball season during a pandemic. But considering these guys managed to make the easy part the hard part, so I can’t wait to see badly they jack up the difficult part.