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Martin Perez vs. Bull

March 20, 2018 - 1:04 pm

There’s and old adage that speaks to the randomness of life: Sometimes you get the bull. Sometimes you get the horns. My man, Martin Perez—got both.

For those that don’t remember—Texas Rangers pitcher, Martin Perez was spending his offseason at his ranch in Venezuela over the winter. And at some point during the middle of December—it came out that he had fractured his non-throwing elbow in a freak accident after a bull spooked him and he fell to ground. The injury required surgery and Perez spent most of the rest of the offseason recovering.

That would be a weird story if Perez wasn’t a baseball player. But baseball players have a penchant for finding new ways to get hurt. Like George Brett who missed 19 games after breaking his toe doing laundry in ’83. Or Glenallen Hill who showed up to the yard on crutches after having a nightmare in 1990. Or Carl Pavano—who lacerated his spleen shoveling his driveway in 2013 and had to hang it up for good after getting damn near seven liters of blood sucked out of his chest cavity.

It’s baseball! These things happen.

But unlike those other three cats—Martin Perez exacted ultimate revenge. And revenge is a dish best served medium rare at 145 degrees.

You see me working? You see where I’m going with this? Remember when I said sometimes you get the bull and sometimes you get the horns and Perez got both? Here’s the both part…

Dude had the bull slaughtered!

“I killed him and I ate him. It was good meat. No more bull.”

Holy. Hell. Remind me to never sneak up on Martin Perez. I’d hate to spook the dude and wind up on a conveyor belt to death. That’s some Hannibal Lecter stuff right there.

Remember that bag, Matt from Santa Cruz who called up earlier this month to try to test my knowledge on the herbivore lifestyle?

I got a new answer for you, Matty. I know Martin Perez is neither a vegan nor a vegetarian—no matter how bad you, and that bull he ate, wishes he was.

Seriously, though—who’s gonna charge the mound on this guy ever again? The second he took a fork and knife to that bull that dropped him—he essentially spray painted his name on every inside corner in baseball. Who’s gonna mess with a guy that slaughters and eats his enemies?

In all honesty—it’s a savage move. One minute you’re on the ground with a busted wing, the next minute you’re dousing a home-killed, home-made steak from the with A1.

Let that be a lesson to the rest of you bulls on the ranch. Come winter time—you best be behaving. Because Martin Perez ain’t afraid to turn any wild cattle into his dinner.

Have your bull, Martin. Hell, have your bull—and eat it, too.