Michigan Star Jeff Jackson Simpson

The cover up is always worse than the crime.

Jim Rome
February 07, 2020 - 10:01 am
Zavier Simpson

USA Today

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Michigan beat Nebraska 79-68 last Tuesday night to snap a four-game losing streak. And they did it without two starters, including senior captain Zavier Simpson, who was leading the nation in assists per game at the time and was serving a suspension for violating team rules. The Cornhuskers have been having a rough season, but Michigan going on the road to win like that and snap their losing streak was still impressive. 

Turns out the reason why Simpson was suspended was pretty impressive as well.

Let me read you the first sentence of this article: “Zavier Simpson’s one-game suspension last month came after he wrecked a car that belongs to athletic director Warde Manuel’s wife, according to a police report obtained by The Ann Arbor News/mlive.”

UH-OH!

Wrecking a car is one thing. Wrecking a car that doesn’t belong to you is another. And wrecking a car that belongs the athletic director’s wife is even worse. 

And the next sentence isn’t much better: “The report also shows that the University of Michigan basketball star lied to officers about his name and whether he was driving when the vehicle crashed into a utility pole in Ann Arbor hours after Michigan’s loss to Illinois last month, according to the police report.”

Zavier, Zavier, Zavier, what are you doing? You can’t lie about your name, allegedly, and lie about whether you were driving a car that crashed into a utility pole. 

The report says that police found Simpson near the vehicle that had collided with a utility pole and a street sign. 

I will now go back to the report from The Ann Arbor News/mlive for the next sentence, because it is awesome. 

“Simpson initially told officers his name was Jeff Jackson Simpson and that he was walking down South Forest Avenue when he noticed the crashed vehicle, Ann Arbor police said in the report acquired via Freedom of Information Act request.”

Jeff Jackson Simpson.

Jeff.

Jackson.

Simpson.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.

That’s what you came up with, Zavier? Jeff Jackson Simpson? Evan Fields and Ron Mexico think Jeff Jackson Simpson is a terrible alias.

Jeff Jackson Simpson? Why stop at three names? Why not Jeff Jackson Simpson Johnson Stevens Smith the Fourth. 

That would be like me wrapping my car around a telephone pole and claiming my name was Mark David Rome. 

Excuse me, what’s your name? 

Oh, my name, it’s Jeff…Yep. Jeff…Jackson…Simpson…Yep, that’s me. Jeff Jackson Simpson. But my friends call me J.J or JJS. Whatever’s easier. 

Yep, I was just walking down the street and I saw this RIG WRAPPED AROUND A UTILITY POLL…, pretty crazy huh? And I said to myself, Jeff Jackson Simpson, because that’s my name, I said Jeff Jackson Simpson that is a crazy car crash, I hope the person who was driving it is okay.  JEFF JACKSON SIMPSON THINKS THEY MUST HAVE NEEDED TO THE JAWS OF LIFE TO GET THAT CAT OUT OF THAT RIG. 

I’m not sure what’s better, the horrible alias he gave or the fact that he said he just happened to be walking down the street right after it happened.  . And I say that because it was 3am in the morning. 

And this guy is trying to act like he’s just out for his nightly 3am stroll.

Anyway, I’m sure you officers are busy investigating this mysterious accident, so I’ll just be on my way, doing my usual stroll at 3am. Just love to get some fresh air a couple hours before sunrise. 

And according to the report, they recognized him as the point guard for the basketball team. 

Wait, aren’t you Zavier Simpson, the point guard for the basketball team? Second-team all-conference last year?

Me? No. I’m Jeff Jackson Simpson. I get that a lot though. People say I look like Zavier Simpson. I’ve never heard of him, though. Must be a good looking guy ammirite officers!!  (insert laugh tracks). Anyway, I’ll just be on my way: y’all have a good evening.

And of course that didn’t work. He told the officers that he lied about his name because he didn’t want to be named in the crash report. I mean, Z, I get that. Nobody wants to be named in a crash report, especially if you crashed someone else’s car. In the middle of the night. 

But let me help you out here: let me tell you how this works.  If you crash a car, you get named in the report: that’s how it goes.

Simpson said that the car belonged to Evan Manuel, a manager on the basketball team and the son of the athletic director. Manuel and Simpson live in the same building and Simpson had apparently been given permission to borrow the car that night. 

The car is registered to Evan’s mother, she was notified about the accident, and the car was towed away.

When Simpson was interviewed the next day, he told police that he lost control of the car in icy conditions and then hit the pole. According to the report, police did not notice the smell of intoxicants on Simpson and he was cited for driving too fast under the conditions.

In other words, nobody was hurt and it doesn’t sound like it was a big deal. And it wouldn’t even be a story if Zavier Simpson, driver of the car in the accident, hadn’t pretended to be Jeff Jackson Simpson, 3am pedestrian who saw the accident.

Let that be a lesson to everyone. If you do something, own it. Because not owning it makes it so much worse.  I’d say that I’m going to say this one more time and one more time only: but I won’t.   Because someone else is going to jack it up.  For sure.  But let me say it again: the cover up is always worse than the crime.  The cover up is always.  Worse.  Than.  The crime.   Time included.  Esp. This time.  Because if he Jeff Jackson doesn’t try to cover it up, we’re not talking bout it.  And he’s not suspended.  And if you really do have to cover it up and come with an alias , you sure as hell better come with something better than Jeff Jackson Simpson.