Mike Nolan Is Feeling The Heat In Two Ways

Your 2020 Dallas Cowboys.

Jim Rome
October 27, 2020 - 11:05 am
Mike Nolan

USA Today

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The Dallas Cowboys are having themselves a season. Check that, they are having themselves a year. I know the passage of time has been incredibly strange this year. Some things that are a week ago feel like a year ago and other things that happened months ago feel like they just happened.                                      

But it really was just over nine months ago that Jerry Jones hired Mike McCarthy and had that truly bizarre press conference where they talked about their sleep over. And Jerry was saying things like:

"My sister explained to my dad one time when she was explaining why she wanted to divorce. Dad loved her husband, and he said, 'What's gotten into you?' And she said, 'I don't hear bells.' He said, 'Bells? Bells? I haven't heard bells for the last 30 years.' The bottom line is that is a dad trying to advise his daughter on the right move. But the bottom line is, I heard bells."

I don’t know what Jerry’s sister’s divorce has to do with hiring a head coach, but its Jerry, so let him roll. And let him roll right into this gem:

“You can get in that foxhole with somebody that hasn’t been shot at it, hasn’t ever been in a foxhole. You can get in there with somebody’s that been shot at. Or you can get in there with somebody that’s been shot at and hit and still going. Now that’s the one I want to be in there with.”

Again, I'm not sure where he’s going with that: I never am when that old guy starts bumping gums: no one ever is, because no one else can understand Jerry-speak: it’s like a different language altogether. But I think he's saying that Mike McCarthy has been hit and is bleeding out in a foxhole, so that’s who he wants coaching his team: some dude who has taken serious shrapnel and is hemorrhaging. At least he didn’t go with one of his whack circumcision analogies.

And it wasn’t just Jerry who was getting all weird with it, Mike had some of his own.  Generally weird is good, but not as it relates to jerry….or Mikey:  "Jerry is telling a story about the purchase of the Dallas Cowboys, and at the end of the story, he leans over to me and he grabs me by the forearm and reaches out to shake my hand and he says, 'You need to be the coach of the Dallas Cowboys.' I jumped up and hugged him. I'll stop right there. We had a hell of time. Now that's a moment. And that's a story I’ll be telling the rest of my life."

Better to tell that story the rest of the life as opposed to that story where Jerry said he heard bells so he hired you, only to fire you after one season, when Jerry realized hiring you was one of the biggest mistakes he’s made in his entire life, either in or out of the game.  Especially after the two of you spent that entire opening presser making goo-goo eyes at one another. 

And yes, it’s bad. Nine months ago, these two were practically spooning at the presser.  Today, the team is 2-5 and they’ve been outscored 63-13 in their last two games. Sure, losing Dak Prescott was a huge blow, and no Jerruh really didn’t know what he had in Dak, or he would have gotten a long term deal done with him. And sure, the fact that Ezekiel Elliott puts in the ground every single game now. And Andy Dalton got knocked hell out with a dirty shot, and not one teammate came to his defense: who knows why that is: maybe they’ve already given up on the season. Maybe they felt like Dalton was playing like garbage before that KO. Maybe they thought for who, for what? Who knows: but I do know this they’re a disaster right now offensively. But as every coach will point out, you need to take into consideration all three facets of the game: and facet number two, the defense is even worse than the offense: in fact, it’s probably the worst defense in the history of the Cowboys: They’ve given up 243 points in seven games. That’s more than they gave up in 11 whole seasons. And they’ve done it in less than half a season. That bad.

They’re on pace to give up 555 points this season. That isn’t just bad, that is historically bad. So there were going to be questions for defensive coordinator Mike Nolan when he met with the media yesterday. And one of those questions was about DeMarcus Lawrence. Roll it.

I'm sorry, what? That’s the guy who’s going to turn the defense around? The dude who just dumped Tabasco sauce into his eye?

I guess you could say Mike Nolan is feeling the heat in two ways – Heyyyy-oooooo

He’s on the hot seat and just gave himself a hot eye – heyyyyy-ooooooo

How does that happen? How does any NFL defensive coordinator do that, let alone one for that team, burn his own eyes in that situation?

Talk about some terrible eye discipline.  See what I did there.  Terrible eye discipline.  Dude, I am so so happy with that reference!!  I mean, what if it had been cholula! Think how much worse it would have been. Or even worse, frank’s redhot! Then we’re talking about Nolan rocking a glass eye.

If you’re a defensive player, that has to make you feel pretty good. The players who told Jane Slater that the coaches are “totally unprepared. They don’t teach. They don’t have any sense of adjusting on the fly” and “they just aren’t good at their jobs” probably felt great about seeing their defensive coordinator go second-grader by rubbing hot sauce in his eye.

Forget being “totally unprepared” for football, that’s totally unprepared for life.

The guy can’t scheme up a way to keep Tabasco out of his eyes, but he’s going to scheme up a way to change our defense?

Then again, how do we know it wasn’t a player who put the Tabasco sauce there in the first place? Can’t you just see Lawrence or one of the other leaders on dee saying, hey mike, you’re just not seeing what we’re seeing out there: let me help you. But dumping a bottle tobasco in your eyes. Is that better?! Oh, now you can see anything at all. Good.  Don’t let the freaking door hit your tobasco guzzling ass. By the way, tobasco sauce is ass, and they should have hired anyone who puts it on anything in the first place. 

But back to McCarthy, who probably put it on everything that entries his pie hole… if you think Jerry Jones is making a change at head coach after hearing bells and jumping in a foxhole a few months ago, you’re wrong. Very wrong.

Because his kid, Stephen Jones said yesterday “I know we’ve got the right head guy for the job, and it’s a work in progress. . . . These things just take time. I know our fans are frustrated. We certainly understand the criticism that’s come our way. But we’ve got to go to work. . . . It’s the first year with this group. You know Jerry and I are big believers in sticking with the staff. We’ve just got to give them their opportunity to work with these guys and continue to implement what they’re trying to get accomplished.”

When your team is 2-5 and you’ve been humiliated in back to back weeks, and you play in the worst division in the history of the league, I’m really not sure what you’re seeing that would tell you that you know you’ve got the right head guy for the job. In fact, I would think all the evidence would indicate you’ve got the wrong head guy for the job.  I know you fellas are about as stubborn as anyone can be, and the next mistake you admit to making will be the first, but it would appear you have made a huge mistake here:

And the fact that the defensive coordinator is giving himself a hot eye isn’t making that decision look any better. Or smarter. Throw some milk on that eye, Michael; and do it in private, because if your boss mac sees it, he’ll throw some strawberry quik in there and drink it himself before it hits your cornea. And bells, and foxholes and circusmiscsions aside, coach em fellas. Coach em the hell up, or you’ll be back in that football barn trying to figure out who can con next into hiring you.

 And coach ‘em up, fellas. Coach ‘em the hell up.