MLB Opening Day 2020

It's game day.

Jim Rome
July 23, 2020 - 10:23 am
Max Scherzer

USA Today

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Today, July 23rd, is MLB’s Opening Day.

Spring Training Part II, errr, training camp, errrr, Summer Camp is over and actual games begin today. And that means that as of right now, the Marlins are still in first place in late July.

And somehow, in spite of itself, MLB is about to have a season. Or something like a season. Let’s be real – MLB could not have had a worse offseason. There were the cheating scandals, the commissioner tripping all over himself after the cheating scandals, the pandemic and the way the league puked all over itself in response to the pandemic, but now we have actual baseball games.

A 60 game sprint. If a regular 162 game season is like a slow march, this is like pouring a bag of granulated sugar directly into your mouth, guzzling a triple espresso, and jumping off a cliff.

Because this is going to be a mad dash to be one of the 10 teams to make the postseason this year.

Or one of the 16 teams to make the postseason this year. Because according to MLB Network, the league is about to open the season today and there are still conversations about possibly expanding the postseason…for this season.

HELL…Yes! You do you, MLB! Most other leagues would do something like announcing the number of playoff spots before the start of the season, but it seems like you want to announce it during the season. Better yet, why don’t you just announce it in August? Or September. Better yet, don’t announce the number of playoff teams until after the playoffs start.

How weird is this season going to be? One team, the Toronto Blue Jays, don’t have a home and the season is just about to start.

Canada won’t let them play in Toronto. They thought about Buffalo and possibly Charlotte. They thought they might be able to play in Pittsburgh, but the state of Pennsylvania blocked that. Now they’re scrambling to see about playing in Baltimore.

They’re effectively homeless, but that doesn’t mean that bum smack will be allowed.

I don’t want to hear about the Blue Jays using pizza boxes as bases or baguettes as bats. They are a major league baseball team. They will not be using meatballs as baseballs or refrigerator boxes as a clubhouse.

Don’t even come here with that stupidity. Focus on real things. Like how important every game is and horniness.

And I will address those topics in the order I just mentioned them. First off, the importance of every game – a three game losing streak in a 162 game season isn’t a big deal. In a 60-game season, it could be the end of your season.

A key player missing a week with a tweaked shoulder or ankle isn’t the end of the world normally, but it could be this year. And that’s before we get into what a positive test would mean.

And speaking of positive tests, will every player on every team follow the rules? Who knows? As one player told Jeff Passan: "All it takes is one guy for this thing to go sideways. Because testing itself isn't going to keep us healthy.

That is a very good point. It’s not going to be testing that keeps people healthy. It’s going to be following rules and protocols. The testing just tells if it’s working or not.

And there’s something else that is going to keep this season going. And for that, I’m going to read a quote from a player to Passan: "I honestly think horny dudes on the road are what's going to bring this down."

Let me repeat that: "I honestly think horny dudes on the road are what's going to bring this down."

What an absolutely amazing quote. That’s not from an email to the show or from some egg on twitter. That’s a Major League Baseball player saying that to one of the most respected journalists in the game.

And you can’t say the player who said it is wrong.

If something brings this season to a grinding halt, it probably will be dudes who can’t control their horny level.

Imagine this MLB season which has been very slow to start is brought to an early end by horny dudes. Just pure horniness. Guys getting horny on the road and busting out of the protocol.

And if horny dudes do bring this season down, it won’t be the first thing that horny dudes have brought down something that a lot of people have worked hard to build.

Horny dudes bringing down the MLB season would be just another thing that horny dudes have destroyed over the years. Horny dudes have left a long path of destruction in their wake. And a professional sports season would be just another notch on the proverbial bed post.

And if that does happen, it will be further proof that sex has been, continues to be, and always will be, the undisputed, unbeaten, untied champion of the world.