NBA’s New 113 Page Health And Safety Memo

A narc line?

Jim Rome
June 17, 2020 - 9:21 am
NBA Season Disney World

USA Today

Categories: 

A while back, when it looked like MLB had its act together, the league released a 67-page health and safety document that outlined the steps that would be involved in being able to return to play baseball. It was pretty detailed, even down to discouraging high fives and licking fingers.

The NBA saw that document and they raised the detail, or at least the page count. MLB comes with 67 pages, the NBA comes with 113 pages for their return.

And as you can imagine, there are some serious details involving everything from testing procedures to procedures for ping pong and playing cards.

And as always, it raises the question: if you have to have a 113 page document to make it safe, is it really safe? And the answer is, ehhhhh, let’s not get into that just yet. 

Teams are divided into three hotels, which despite the earlier jokes, really were determined by the team’s record. That really is amazing. The top four seeds in each conference will be at the Gran Destino Tower. Seeds five through eight are at the Grand Floridian. And the teams currently outside a playoff spot are at the Yacht Club. Perfect for that early fishing trip they’re all about to go on.

And until July 21st, you aren’t allowed to socialize with players from the other hotels.

There will be something called “Isolation Housing” for players who test positive. That is different from the accommodations the individual had previously been staying in and the only people in that location will be people who have tested positive. 

Everyone will be wearing a MagicBand at all times that will serve as a room key, a security pass, and a check-in for medical screenings and Covid testing. As you can imagine, The Athletic reported: “Some player agents have expressed concerns in recent weeks about the prospects of wearing a band at all times due to the level of monitoring.”

Masks are required at all times, except for when you are eating or when you’re in your own room. You are allowed to use the pool, golf course, and trails. You do not need to wear a mask for that.

People on the bench during games do not need to wear masks, but if you are on the second row of the bench, you do.

According to The Athletic, there will be “A players-only lounge (with video games, including NBA 2K availability), arcade gaming, ping pong, movie screenings, DJ sets, ping pong tables, lawn games and more.”

Golf is fine, but no caddies and no sharing clubs. Ping pong is cool, but singles only. No doubles. No teams. Cards are fine, but a new deck has to be used for every session.

There will also be barbers available by appointment, as well as team sponsored excursions. Again, this is really sounding like a cruise and not an NBA season. 

You are allowed to leave the bubble, I mean campus, because they really want you to call it a campus and not a bubble, but if you do leave without permission, you’ll be quarantined for at least 10 days when you come back and subject to what Brian Windhorst and Tim Bontemps describe as “deep nasal testing.”

And then there is my favorite detail of all from The Athletic: “If anyone on the campus sees rules being broken and worries that the actions of one individual might bring harm on the rest of them, the NBA will have an anonymous hotline available for reporting purposes.”

That is awesome. What a great detail. A tip line. A narc line. A rat line. The Chris Paul Line, because you know he is gonna have that on speed dial. If cell phone plans still had favorites, one of his longtime friends is getting bumped because you know CP3 is going to be mashing that phone number time and time again.

This is the guy who busted Jordan Bell for checking into a game with an untucked jersey. Do you really think he’s not going to call if he sees a player handing a golf club to another player? No way in hell he’s staying silent about that.

If he sees someone stepping inside six feet, he’s calling. If somebody even thinks about playing a new card game with an old deck, that’s a phone call. If there is even the slightest hint or joke about playing doubles ping pong, Paul is going to be all over that. He’ll be mashing that hotline until his fingers bleed. Now he can not only get guys in trouble, he could potentially get them suspended or kicked out of the bubble, I mean, campus.

Getting guys to rat each other out is going to be truly special. I can’t wait to find out how that goes. Because it says here, it will go pretty terribly. By terribly, I mean incredibly.  They should fly Narc brah in and let him give them the in’s and out’s of being narc. 

Listen up, NBA’ers: that narc line is there for a reason; you snitches better use it.  because you know Chris Paul will: and if it’s good enough for him, it’s good enough for the rest of you; don’t you narcs let me down.