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NFL Schedule Release Day

It’s April. The season starts in five months. Relax.

April 18, 2019 - 10:31 am

For years, that was nothing more overhyped and more overrated than NFL Schedule Release Day. Everyone already knows which teams are playing each other this season, so everyone acting like the NFL Schedule Release Day being an actual thing….was the worst thing. Stop trying to make it something it’s not. Something, you know, that matters. But that didn’t stop fools from doing that just that. Starting the second it dropped, when they would sit down and start circling certain matchups.

You know the ones I’m talking about – like Washington at Minnesota in Week 8. Hell yes, baby, that’s what’s I’m saying. Because that is a blood feud right there: that’s your sick, sick C.K.R.G. right there: Case Keenum Revenge Game.

But…but….know this. Look deeper. See…The tricky thing about that game is that it’s a Thursday Night and we’ll only be a few days removed from Baltimore at Seattle, the Earl Thomas Revenge Game. Two REVENGE GAMES in a such a short window? Damn?!?, my head is going to explode!!  How you gonna do me like that, NFL schedule maker dude?!  Thing is there’s a helluva lot more where that came from. You like that? You like those revenge matchups. Great tell me how Buffalo at Dallas on Thanksgiving Day?!? Tastes?!? Holy crap?! They went there.! That’s a thing! That’s a S.B.X.X.V.I.I.R.G. and S.B.X.X.V.I.I.I.R.G. – Super Bowl 27 and Super 28 Revenge Game. A REVENGE GAME TWO-FER. That’s two for revenge! To hell with winning the day… and one game at a time. How the hell is anyone associated with the Bills and Cowboys going to be able to focus on anything other than that epic revenge tilt.

You can’t tell me that the Bills roster made up almost entirely of people who started playing football AFTER those games won’t be fired up for that. Revenge is a dish best served cold and on Thanksgiving Day, the Bills will be looking to give the Cowboys an extra dollops. Revenge.

Week 16 on CBS, Jets at Steelers, a Le’Veon Bell Revenge Game. Well, that might actually be a revenge game because the amount of venom and petty between Bell and the Steelers was legit.

But overall…Declaring Revenge Games could not be cornier….manufacturing contrived hate is always whack. And you know what’s even worse? Predicting wins and losses…the dumbest thing ever.

It’s April. The season starts in five months. The draft is next week. This is a violent game and injuries are going to happen. We know this. Rosters and starting units are going to be completely different in a few months, but you’re going to tell me the Texans are going to beat the Colts in Indianapolis in Week 7?

And even worse than that, is when people start trying to tell you WHY that’s going to happen. Well, you see, the Texans are going to be coming off a tough game the week before at Kansas City and they go on the road to Indy before coming home to face Oakland and then traveling to London to play Jacksonville, so they really have to have that game against the Colts.

Uh, right, okay.  NOW YOU’RE ALL TONY ROMO: NOW YOU CAN ALL SEE THINGS BEFORE LONG BEFORE THEY ACTUALLY HAPPEN. YEAH. I DON’T PLAY THAT GAME. And I’m not really interested in hearing the breakdown of travel schedules either. Yes, Oakland has a lot of early games on the East Coast. Fine. AND  now have months to prepare for that. So, let me just bottom line THIS WHOLE DEAL and cut to the chase; and cut out all the bullcrap. Looking at the schedules, there are only two things that REALLY MATTER:

One - The Patriots have an easy schedule, because every schedule for the Patriots is an easy schedule when you have Tom Brady and Bill Belichick and because they play in the AFC East.

Two - And the Cleveland Browns have four primetime games. And if you ask me, that’s not four too many, that’s 12 too few. Just four primetime games? Nope. Send it back. Come see me when you’ve got a schedule with the Browns in primetime every week all the way to the Super Bowl.

If this had been another regular NFL Schedule Release Day, those are the only two things that you could honestly say really matter. But luckily this was different. Really different. Because the teams are now in on the joke and more importantly, the team’s social media departments are in on the joke.

And they were doing work. Like the Browns dropping this video of old school John Dorsey getting the team’s schedule and then printing it off on the even older school printer.

You think that’s a low-budget video? Wrong. You know how much it has to cost to buy one of those printers these days.

But the Browns weren’t the only ones who got nice. The Chargers released a video made entirely of stock footage, which you have to see to believe.

The Baltimore Ravens went Monster Truck Rally Announcer with their release video.

As you’d expect, the Colts stripped it down and went simple. And there are few things simpler than Andrew Luck sitting on a mini-step ladder and reading out the schedule, along with a few tourist facts about each city.

The Cowboys jumped on the ASMR trend with Jerry Jones and Amari Cooper whispering gently into your ear.

Creepy, Jerry.  Even creepier than you usually are: because now you’re creeping on one of your own players.  We’re supposed to be hype for the start of the season, not looking to take out restraining orders. 

And you knew someone was going to do a Game of Thrones video because nobody can do anything right now without referencing Game of Thrones. And this time, that someone was the Atlanta Falcons and they nailed it, right down to the tiny detail of an animated ram running into a Saint outside the Falcons stadium. Genius.

But as genius as all of those were, they are all tied for second behind the Carolina Panthers. The Panthers have one of the best social media games around, but took it to a new level yesterday with a schedule release video dedicated to old school video games.

Of course, its visual heavy, but the sounds are so iconic, I’m still going to play it because even if you’re driving, you’ll recognize some great soundtracks that will bring you back. Roll it.

Bra-vo. Bra-freaking-vo. That was genius. Tony Hawk? Goldeneye? NBA Jam? OREGON TRAIL!?! No games were won or lost yesterday, but the Panthers won the day.