Not A Good Place, McGuire

Couldn't find a Boston Market?

Jim Rome
February 13, 2020 - 10:46 am
Reese McGuire

USA Today

Categories: 

Toronto Blue Jays pitchers and catchers report today, but one Jays catcher has already reported. On the police report. HEY-OOOOO

It’s a safe bet that if I’m talking about a Blue Jays catcher in February, it’s not for a good reason. And if it’s the backup catcher who played in 30 games last year, you know homeboy jacked something up badly. 

Because I’m not here to talk about Reese McGuire batting .299 with 5 home runs in 105 plate appearances last season. And I’m not talking O.P.S, I’m talking TMZ.

As in the report from TMZ. Allow me to read the first sentence from the initial report: 

“Toronto Blue Jays catcher Reese McGuire -- a former MLB first-round pick -- was arrested last week after cops say he was caught exposing his penis in a Florida parking lot.”

That is one hell of a lead. But you never want to jump to conclusions. I mean, there’s nothing good at all about being caught in a Florida parking lot with your junk out, but you know, I never rush in; I never judge without getting all the necessary data: even if there is a TMZ report, about a police report referencing a dude exposing his penis: I still need more information before you get my reaction:. 

And here’s more: “deputies were called to a public parking lot in Dunedin, Fla. On Friday after a man was seen inside of an SUV exposing himself.”

Okay, again, this is really bad. Awful. Totally inappropriate and completely horrendous. And it’s about to get even worse “Police say they arrested the 24-year-old ... And booked him for misdemeanor "exposure of sexual organs."

There are a lot of phrases you never want your name associated with, but “exposure of sexual organs” is right near the top. And when you combine that with “in a Florida parking lot” there’s your exacta. Then again, if you’re going to expose your sexual organs, where else would you do it BUT in a Florida parking lot. An Ohio parking lot maybe. But most likely Florida. 

If the story ended there, it would’ve been bad enough. There would’ve been plenty of stupid jokes about how it’s a good thing he’s not a relief pitcher, and we all could’ve moved on. 

But TMZ wasn’t going to let that story go. They had more leads to track down and people to contact. And a few hours later, they were back with an update. 

And it got so much worse. 

Because TMZ got ahold of the police report and, well, it’s really grim reading. Police “claim in the report when they got McGuire out of his car, he "had an erection which was very apparent."

I’m all in favor of investigative journalism. It is vital to our society and our country. But in certain cases, I’m fine with just letting stories go. Just let a sleeping dog lie. There is no need for me to be reading a report that includes the backup catcher getting out of his car with “an erection which was very apparent."

And then to be chasing that with this: “According to the report ... Cops say after they rolled up to the parking lot, they saw McGuire with his shirt "barely covering his genitals" and his sweatpants around his ankles.”

Come on, McGuire! Have some freaking decency. Or pride. Or shame. Or pants. Something. Anything. 

And yes, I’m aware that he was wearing sweatpants. Just because I didn’t reference a certain person from a certain town in Southern California did not mean I didn’t notice it. I did. And what McGuire did was so much worse than what Carl discussed.  

Now, here’s the next line: “Cops say McGuire apologized to them profusely for the incident ... Saying, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, this is really embarrassing."

Embarrassing??  Ya think? Which part? Oh, I know, all of it! I’m embarrassed, humiliated and shamed to hell, and I had absolutely nothing to do with it. 

This dude is getting out of the car, with “an erection which was very apparent" and he’s getting all MMA ring announcer with it. 

“Scuse me! My bad!”

“My bad my friend, I’m sorry.”

No credit for apologizing profusely. I listen, America is an extremely forgiving nation: especially of celebrities. But you could be the most popular, most famous person ever, but there are some things you just can’t apologize for. And this is one of them. Apology not accepted. In fact. Apology completely rejected. You can’t be sitting in a Florida parking lot with your sweats around your ankles and then say “my bad. That’s on me.” And act like we’re all going to just move on with our lives. No credit for holding your hand up on that one and owning it. 

According to the cops, McGuire added "I really shouldn't have been doing that."

Finally! Something we can agree on. No, you should not have been doing that. You should’ve been at the team facility working on your game, not in the parking lot, rubbing it out:

And incredibly, there’s more; and it got even worse: I. Because of course it did. Check this out: “In the report, cops claim when they got McGuire’s phone to try to find his current address ... They noticed an "extremely pornographic video was playing on the screen."

First off, why were the cops trying to get McGuire’s phone to find his current address? Why not just ask the guy? I’m no police officer, but if I roll up on a guy in a parking lot with a shirt barely covering his junk, sweat pants around his ankles, and “an erection which was very apparent,” the last thing I’m doing is grabbing his phone to find his address. Not unless I’m rocking a hazmat suit: I’ll just ask him, where the hell he lives.  .

This dude is a piece of work: Watching “extremely pornographic videos” not pornographic but EXTREMELY pornographic videos in a Florida parking lot is the work of a straight degenerate. I haven’t heard something this embarrassing and disgraceful taking place in Florida since Bob Kraft was busted for visiting that alleged sex worker in that strip mall. 

Police did say that McGuire was “cooperative and did not deny the allegations."  That’s rich: did not deny the allegations?? Deny the allegations??? He had a raging erection, extreme porn on his phone and sweatpants at his ankles; the hell was he going to say??!  So again no credit for being cooperative and not denying the allegations. 

How are you going to deny those allegations?

IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE! LET ME EXPLAIN!

Actually, I’m sure it is exactly what it looks like. 

And then, the topping on this hideous sundae is the final line in the TMZ update: “Officers say they asked Reese why he came to the parking lot instead of just going home ... McGuire responded that he "did not know, it just seemed like a good place."

It just seemed like a good place. IT JUST SEEMED LIKE A GOOD PLACE? ERNNNT, wrong answer, McGuire. 

It is a terrible place. The worst place would have been a Boston Market. Dude was probably driving around looking for that, gave up and said screw it, I can’t wait any longer, next parking lot I see, I’m posting up, and getting down, as only I can: with extreme porn on my phone and sweat pants at my ankles. 

The hell is the matter with you anyway, Reese. Wearing those sweatpants, errrr, that Blue Jay uniform is privilege not a right. I’m guessing you never gave a single thought to the guys who put it on before you. Now what the hell am I’m going to say to Joe Carter?  Fred McGriff.  Kelly Gruber.  Hell, Robbie Alomar. Should of thought of that Reese.  Should have thought of a lot things, my guy. If I were you, I dump that blower you call a porno theater and just get yourself a flip phone, because this story is going to be all over the internet for the next million years and there’s no cleaner of any sort that can scrub that.