Opening Round At Royal Portrush

Who’s had a worse day: Rory or Hefty?

Jim Rome
July 18, 2019 - 9:24 am
Rory McIlroy

USA Today

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A golf tournament is four rounds. Especially when we’re talking about hall of famers.  The last thing you want to do is rush in and bury because of one bad morning or even one bad day.  But it’s time to ask a tough question; a fair question.  – Who’s had a worse day: Rory McIlroy or Phil Mickelson. Because they both growler’ed the bed. Now….who had it worse. And think carefully about this before you answer it.

Both came in with a ton of buzz. Rory had it because he had four straight top 5s in the Open, he’s been playing very good golf this year, and he’s playing in his backyard on a course where he shot a 61 when he was 16. He’s Northern Ireland’s native son and came in as the favorite. 

And Phil had that buzz because he gave it to himself when he went on Instagram and told the world, again: stop whatever the hell you’re doing. And look at me! 

So, again, who had a worse day. Rory? Or Hefy? And again, don’t rush in with your answer. Give it some thought. I’ll even give you some help. Let’s start with Rory. He teed it up on the first hole, with all the pressure in the world on him, and did this.

Hit the ball out of bounds left. Tremendous poise, Rohrs. 

Because that drive didn’t just go out of bounds left, it went out of bounds left, hit a woman, and cracked the screen of her phone in her pocket. Holy crap. That is amazing. Me dropping my custom imported iPhone into cranberry lake can’t believe how badly that went for her. And her phone. You can’t draw that u!! I bet if you gave Rory 100 shots from the first tee, he wouldn’t be able to hit that woman again and break her screen.

Tees it up again. Left again, but still inbounds. And then chopped his way into an unplayable lie and when the carnage was over, he had an eight. The dreaded quadruple bogey.

Talk about picking the worst time to have your worst time – that snowman was only the fourth quad bogey of his career.

I would never say that anyone is done after just one hole at a major. Especially that guy.  The favorite. But that guy was done after just one hole. No major winner in the past 20 years started a tournament with worse than a double-bogey. And he went quad. Hell, he played the next 13 holes in 1 under and was still parked in the mid-90s in the standings.  He was actually playing pretty decent golf, until he doubled 15 and doubled 18 to finish at 8 over. . …One thing to choke or fade on the weekend because of all crazy pressure.  Quite another to play your way out of the tourney after just one hole!

But I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. Because the one worst thing you can say about any golfer, other than he cheats, is that he CHOKES. And if you’re bombing a tee shot off the first tee into a woman and shattering her phone, I’m not even sure that qualifies as choking, that’s just horrible golf.

THEN THERE’S PHILIP ALFRED MICKELSON.

It was only a few days ago that the dress-shirt army was getting all fired up about this.

And so I say to you: “hey everyone, let’s get real for a few minutes” – Phil Mickelson is not a very good golfer right now. And going on a crash diet wasn’t going to fix that. I knew that, and more importantly, knew that, even if you dopes didn’t. The only people who didn’t know it, were the tools who saw that and immediately started making up their own“special coffee blend for wellness.”

Did you really think that going on a 6-day fast before a major was going to make you a better golfer? Hell no.

So, for all you hefty honks who have been brainwashed by the big boy, and crying about how I did him wrong, for taking a run at him for taking to Instagram to tell everyone he dropped a few lb’s by fasting and drinking some whack coffee: apology accepted. I said being fat wasn’t his problem. And that losing weight wouldn’t help. And that you were suckers for thinking it would. That even that fraud knew that and was just trying to selling you something.  Well, I was right.  And you’re all still a bunch of gullable dopes, pounding pitchers of the big boy’s kool aid because he opened with a 5 over 76, his worst opening round at the open in 11 years.

He dropped 15 pounds and picked up 7 bogeys. HEYOOOOOO

I guess you could say he shaved 15 pounds off his frame, and added about 15 shots to his score. HEEEYYYYYY-OOOOOOO

Rory had a really bad hole, Phil had a truly terrible round.

If you went out to watch Phil Mickelson today, hoping to see someone put together a good round, you were in luck. Because Philip was grouped with Shane Lowry who shot a 67 and holds the clubhouse lead.

Meanwhile, Phil was huffing and puffing his way to a 76. He parlayed that “hard reset” into a really hard round of golf.

Even when he did something well, he ended up doing terribly. He drove the 368-yard par-4 fifth hole, giving him a chance for eagle. On the fifth, there was a chance for eagle, only for him to send the eagle putt six feet past the hole and then blow the birdie putt as well. 

At this point, if I were him, I’d ALSO rather talk about crash diets and his “special coffee blend for wellness” because he’s much better than he is golf

Just go Billy Mayes with it and start pitching the Mighty Putty or the Samurai Shark or the Big City Slider Station.

Because Phil Mickelson Infomercial Pitchman and snake oil salesman is an elluva lot better than Phil Mickelson Actual Golfer.

Did you like that 38 on the front nine?

"CALL NOW AND I'LL DOUBLE THE OFFER... ... Just pay separate shipping and handling"

And sure enough, he did double the offer.

Backed that first 38 up with another. Problem is, nobody’s going to buy that special coffee blend for wellness and whatever other garbage he’s pitching on Instagram if he can’t back it up on the course.

He’s currently 114th on the leaderboard and falling. He’s looking up at guys like Keith Mitchell and Paul Waring. Might be time to stop chasing down Nick Faldo for majors and start chasing Ron Popeil for jerky makers and the Showtime Rotisserie. Speaking Ron Popeil. True story; I bought my first house in West Hills, Cali back in, say 1994. I did it because I’ve lived in an apartment; right around the time mobile phones were becoming a thing: I left my phone on the front seat of my car: and some a hole cut through the roof of my convertible to rip the phone. Biggest a hole move ever: I was so pissed about that violation that I bought a house. Not sure who’s the bigger a hole for that: me or the dude who ripped my phone. Anyway, I live in that house for a couple of years, Popeil’s daughter shows up, with stack and stacks of cash: and says I want to buy your house: all cash, just under ask: but if you don’t take this, I’ll buy your next door neighbor’s house, which I don’t like as much, but I will. I said throw in one of those toaster ovens that can cook a 20 pound turkey, and pot roast, at the same time, in five minutes. And I’ll do it.

That’s hefty. He’s Popeil. Billy Mays. And that sham wow dude all rolled into one. Like, Hi, I’m Phil Mickelson. My golf isn’t exactly automatic, but do you know what is? This Veg-O-Matic.

Hi, I’m Phil Mickelson. I can’t get birdies anymore, but you know what I can get? Fish. With this pocket fisherman.

To quote the man himself: for now, let’s keep it real. And keeping it real means this tournament is already over for him. He’s missed six cuts in his last nine tournaments and is careening towards a seventh. The crash diet was a move of desperation that even he knew wouldn’t work, but he hooked all you suckers once again.

I’m not saying his career is over. But I am saying, he’s a much better pitch man and con man than he is a golfer. Just keeping it real, Hefty. After all, you were the one who told us too, real recognizes real, and right now, you are a real bad golfer. But there’s nothing your honks won’t buy from you: including golf dress shirts: if they’ll buy that, they’ll buy anything. Including this notion that you’re still competitive on the golf course.