The Giants Are Horrible

Dallas 37 NYG 18

Jim Rome
November 05, 2019 - 9:36 am
Daniel Jones

USA Today


Let’s get something out of the way immediately: the New York Giants were never winning that game last night. So don’t come in here with your hilarious takes and corny one-liners about how a black cat changed everything for them. Knock it off! Don’t talk to me like that! Be better than that, because I know the Giants aren’t better than that.

And by the way, how terrible a look was that cat last night for the Giants? First of all, how is there a cat in your stadium? And secondly, how bad is it that the cat is the most exciting thing about your team right now?

And if you have no idea what I’m talking about, well, you’re about to find out. Because if an animal runs on the field, if the game has to be interrupted by a cat, who do you want to call the action of that cat? The GOAT, Kevin Harlan. Roll it.

There isn’t a more versatile broadcaster in sports than Kevin Harlan. You know the sport, he’ll call the game, and he’ll make it better. He even included the sponsored shoutout during that call of the cat.

That was Harlan’s best work since an idiot ran on the field in that Rams-Niners game a few years back.

And as long as we’re tipping the cap to media pros, how about Ross Tucker, who was working the sidelines, showing some quick feet when the action came at him and took out the sound man. 

And if you’re wondering how I’ve managed to get this far into a Cowboys-Giants game without talking about the Cowboys or the Giants, it’s because that wasn’t really a very good game. I know the Giants were winning before the cat showed up, but nobody really thought they were going to win that game.

And sure, a win is a win. Especially if it’s on the road, against a division rival, in prime time. I guess. Sort of. Just don’t tell me we learned anything about the Cowboys last night. Because we didn’t. They weren’t playing anyone who matters. And still somehow managed to come out and quickly fall behind. And then kept trying to give the game away in the first half, but the Giants obviously didn’t want it. And wouldn’t take it.

And then the black cat came on the field. And again, any Giants fan who wants to blame the game on that cat is a loser. Because it’s not like the Cowboys players were fired up to see it.

Demarcus Lawrence: “First thing to cross my mind, no joke, was like, ‘Bleep, they got bad luck now. It just turned on them. If a damn black cat runs on a football field on Monday Night Football, you might as well call it quits. I hate cats, too, so it was like bleep, bleep, bleep.”

Dak Prescott: “I was just wondering who was going to catch the thing. I wasn’t getting close to it.”

Ezekiel Elliott: “I wouldn’t say I’m superstitious, but I wasn’t going anywhere near it. I’m allergic to cats.”

Blaming it on the black cat would make it sound like the Giants actually had a good thing going before their luck changed. They did not have a good thing going at all.

And you know why that is?  It’s because they aren’t a good team. At all. And if you’re going to blame that loss on the black cat, how do you explain them losing four in a row when that cat was nowhere to be found. You can’t?  I can. It’s because they’re not good. 

Not on offense and not on defense. And Pat Shurmur and his crew better hit their knees every night and give thanks for the New York Jets, because otherwise, they’d be getting a lot more heat and attention than they are right now. That clown show crazy eyes is presiding over is taking the glare of the Giants. But there’s getting around it:

The Giants are 10-31 since the start of 2017. That’s the worst record in the league during that time. Even worse than the Jets. And yet somehow, the Giants are seen as the competent organization.

Somehow they are 0-6 this season when Saquon Barkley plays the whole game. How is that possible?

Well, because of nights like last night. Dak Prescott threw an interception on the first play from scrimmage and New York took over at the Dallas 8.

You’d think with Saquon Barkley in the backfield, the Giants were a lock to start with a 7-0 lead. Runs this monster four straight times, cash in that gift Dak Prescott gave them to start the night.  But, of course, they didn’t. 

Instead of punching it into the end zone, they had two runs, an incomplete pass, and settled for a 21 yard field goal.

And that’s a bad thing. Except it’s kind of also a good thing because it was their first lead in a game since Week 4.

It’s November. And that field goal gave them their first lead in a game since September.

And as bad as the offense was, it’s not like the defense was much better. They went out and traded for Leonard Williams from the Jets to shore up their rush defense. That didn’t work.

Ezekiel Elliott ran for 139 yards and then absolutely kicked the Giants in the junk with this postgame comment: “It was the easiest 140 yards I’ve ever gained. I don’t even know if I broke a tackle. I just ran inside the scheme. Those guys just mauled them up front, thank them for making it easier on me.”

The easiest 140 yards I’ve ever gained. I don’t even know if I broke a tackle. How’s that taste, G-Men? Not only did he gash you, he couldn’t wait to clown you when it was over.  A man running over boys. 

It’s a good thing that cat showed up, otherwise it would’ve been an all-time bore fest.  Sure, the Cowboys had some nice moments, like Michael Gallup showing off his Ross Tucker-like footwork on this play.


But it would have been a helluva better if the Giants actually showed. Hell, if they ever actually showed up, unless you like four field goals of 29 yards or less. If short field goals are your game, if you love offenses that can’t do a damn thing in the red zone, then the giants did the damn thing for you last night... If you like short field goals and pointlessly challenging PI calls that the league isn’t going to overturn, Pat Shurmur is your coach of the year.

And if you like a quarterback who wait to give the ball away, then I got your give away goat: may I introduce you to Daniel Jones? And another Daniel Jones fumble. This dude a turnover machine. He had three more last night. For the season, he has 8 picks and 8 fumbles. He’s tied for the league in turnovers at 16, and he’s only started 7 games.

What I’m saying is that maybe the guy being fitted for a gold jacket after beating Tampa Bay might not be the second coming of YA Tittle after all. That doesn’t mean he’s terrible, but with the way Giants fans and the New York media was reacting to that game against the Bucs, you’d have thought they had their Patrick Mahomes.

They don’t. And what they do have is five straight losses, zero wins since September, and a quarterback with a total of two games where he threw more td’s than interceptions. And they have the Jets on Sunday. What a freaking spitting match that will be. From the Adam Gase Bowl to the Failure Bowl.