MLB's Latest Problem

Gas station sex pills?

Jim Rome
August 22, 2019 - 10:09 am
MLB

USA Today

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There is a lot going on in the world of sports right now. College football starts in two days. There are six NFL exhibition games tonight. Kemba Walker and Myles Turner just led USA Basketball to a win over Australia in their World Cup warm-up game.

But with all that going on, I’m here to talk about something I never thought I’d be talking about – gas station sex enhancers. That’s right. The pills you see at the register next to the beef jerky and the energy drinks.

Question: Hey, Rome, what does a gas station sex enhancer have to do with sports?

Answer: Damned if I know.

But apparently it DOES has something to do with it because yesterday, Jeff Passan reported that Major League Baseball issued a memo to players to warn them about the “very real risk” of over-the-counter sexual-enhancement pills after at least two players this year were suspended for PEDs and said the banned substance in their urine came from these products.

Where the hell do I even begin with that?

Gas station sex pills? We’re not talking about the stuff that’s advertised with two geriatrics sitting in matching bath tubs watching the sunset. We’re talking about pills with ingredients like “horny goat weed.”

And no, Horny Goat Weed Nation, I’m not taking a run at you, so save it. Don’t at me.

But Passan’s report does answer a question that I’ve always had – who the hell buys that stuff? More importantly, who the hell buys it from a gas station? Answer: at least two baseball players.

Again, Major League Baseball players. Finely conditioned athletes. Guys who make a living with their body. Their body is their money maker. Body as temple. Their freaking Ferrari’s and they’re not topping off their tanks some crappy regular gasoline. They’re running on premium unleaded. And they know exactly what they’re putting in their bodies. Period. And at least two of these professional athletes are pumping sex PED’s; and they’re buying them from the gas station. Hell, that’s two that we know about. How many others are doing it and just haven’t been caught yet. 

Again, I’m not here to judge. Not if you need a little help and get it legitimately. Just because I’m a middle dude and have never, ever taken one of the pills: never, ever needed it; and never will, I’m not here to judge. Yes I am. I’m judging the morons, not who are getting that edge through legitimate means, but the morons who went to the gas station and say, gimme 20 on 3, and gimme a pack of “Boss Rhino”, “krazy rhino and rhino big horn. All legitimate products, and all probably right next to the ____.  Again, and I don’t know about you, I don’t need the boss rhino, but even if I did, no chance hell, I’m putting that in my system. And I’m middle aged talk show host. But some extremely well-conditioned pro athletes, half my age will. The hell is that? 

Or how about the so-called. Herb Viagra - which is either claiming to be Viagra made from herbs or Viagra made by a guy named Herb. Either way, I’m not going near it.  Because I don’t want my heart exploding. 

Come to find out…Buying something called “Stiff Nights” could lead to a failed PED test? No, buying “Stiff Nights” means you’ve failed an IQ test.

Apparently, it wasn’t all the drugs and hookers that put Lamar Odom into a coma: he allegedly fell into a coma after taking some form of herbal Viagra. If that’s not enough to scare you away from them, I don’t know what is.

Seriously, what the hell is going on? How does that happen? How does even one person go there?  And how many must be doing that a league felt the need to drop a memo on them all telling them not to it. Professional athletes need to be told not get their sex PED’s from gas stations? That’s a real thing? 

Again….don’t get this twisted. Don’t come at me with, I’ve always had your back, Rome, but now you’ve gone too far. Don’t come at me with, must be nice Rome, that you don’t need those pills, but I sure as hell do, you just lost a listener. No I didn’t. Because you’re not listening. In no way am I’m not making fun of someone who needs medical help. That is serious. It’s nothing to joke about. And carries with it so many different psychological and emotional ramifications.

That’s why you see a doctor and get a prescription to address it. You don’t grab a packet of Weekend Prince after you’ve filled up your gas tank and start guzzling your 32 ounce Big Gulp.

If you’ve got a medical situation, deal with it in a serious medial way way. Don’t get it from the same place that sells Slim Jims and lotto tickets. And ices.

I get it. Sexual enhancement issues are embarrassing. You don’t want to talk about it with everyone. So why would you get your help from the guy who’s selling you cigarettes, body spray, and crappy sunglasses.

Let’s see, I’ll take an outdated map, some weird homemade Rice Krispie treats, and that box of Black Ant over there.

Honestly, I didn’t think this would be something that would need to be said. I had no idea that people needed to be warned about taking a product named Rhino-zen Black Fire. Or Trip Power Zen. Or Power Zen Triple Gold.

But apparently it has to be said. And then has to be put down in an official league memo.

Imagine being the person at Major League Baseball who has to sit down to compose that memo. You get out your finest MLB stationery, put it into the office printer, and then type out:

Hey, dumbasses, don’t buy gas station sex pills. And while you’re at it, don’t lick bathroom doors either.

According to the memo: "Sexual or male enhancement products present a very real risk for drug-tested players, and the high likelihood for contamination or unidentified ingredients in these products underscores the importance of consuming only those products that are NSF Certified for Sport."

Really? They aren’t testing and certifying those products sold at truck stops and gas stations? That’s news to me.

I really thought that a product like Trio Power Zen or Power Zen Triple Gold was going to have passed rigorous lab testing. I thought gas stations were required to only sell the finest sex pills available.

What kind of a world are we living in where you can’t trust gas station sex pills?!??!

I have no idea if those products do what they claim they do. I mean, if the product’s name is Titan or Libigrow, how could it not work? But I know they are unregulated and there have been numerous FDA warnings about them. And now they have an MLB warning about them, too.

And apparently at least two players have failed PED tests as a result. Nice work, fellas. Really nice work. The only thing more embarrassing than failing a PED test is failing a PED test because you took gas station sex pills.