Sam Darnold's 2019

The season can’t end soon enough for this guy.

Jim Rome
October 24, 2019 - 11:44 am
Sam Darnold

USA Today

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I wanted to talk about the Jets yesterday but I ran out time—which actually begs one of life’s most important questions; Do you, really, ever run out of time to talk about to Jets? Because right when you think you might have missed your opportunity to spit out a timely take on these slugs—the Jets do what they always do; they brew a fresh, extra large pot of piping hot unfortunate content.

And just when you think things couldn’t possibly get worse for the tortured soul that is the 2019 version of Sam Darnold—things go and get worse for the tortured soul that is the 2019 version of Sam Darnold.

Because yesterday his head coach, Adam Gase, let the world know that in the wake of mono, and an enlarged spleen, and an episode of X-Files playing out on the field in his head Monday Night—Sam Darnold underwent a procedure on Tuesday—to have a toenail removed.

To whichever witch is clearly holding a voodoo doll of Sammy D—please, put it the hell down. You’ve done enough.

Look, I never thought I would feel bad for a multi-millionaire 22-year-old who played college ball in LA and now spins the Duke professionally in New York—but here we are. This dude is only in Week 8 and his mind and his body have completely betrayed him in the worst and weirdest ways.

If I told you that coming down with mono and missing games wouldn’t even be the strangest thing that happened to Darnold this season, you’d call me a fantastic liar. But ever since falling victim to the kissing disease and needing to be quarantined—this dude has had to wait on his spleen to deflate—then play a Patriots man-to-man, ghost-to-ghost defense in primetime—and then get a toenail yanked one day later.

Adam Gase said yesterday, “He had a toenail removed. I don’t know. It was pretty gross, what they were talking about.”

Thanks, Coach. No clue what I would have done without that insight.

Of course getting a toenail ripped out of your toe is gross. Toenails aren’t supposed to detach from your toes. But Darnold’s did. And he missed practice yesterday in what is already a short week coming off Monday Night Ghostball. For what it’s worth—Gase says Darnold will play against Jacksonville, but he’ll be wearing a special shoe with all sorts of padding. Hey man—what could go wrong? Just a guy wearing foreign footwear without a toenail playing the Jags defense after limited practice in a short week six days after extraterrestrial hallucinations.

Godspeed, Sammy. I don’t know what you did to deserve any of this relentless pounding from Murphy’s Law but I hope you’re on the other side of it now. Because if this thing keeps trending the way it’s been going—Adam Gase is about to disclose that you have lime disease. Or chickenpox. Or measles.  Or the mumps.  Or polio or an arm growing out of your head that needs to be amputated. I'm seriously at the point where if we were told that Darnold was abducted by aliens and is likely to miss four to six weeks, I’d believe it.

The 2019 season can’t end soon enough for this guy and we’re not even halfway home yet. So, to answer the question I posed earlier—no, you never run out of time to talk about the Jets. No matter how bad you wish you did.