Waiters vs. Gummy

Your body is your temple, Dion.

Jim Rome
November 11, 2019 - 11:36 am
Dion Waiters

USA Today

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The Miami Heat announced Dion Waiters has been suspended 10 games without pay. That’s a pretty serious punishment from a team to a player and as the team said in a statement: "There have been a number of instances this season in which Dion has engaged in conduct detrimental to the team. ... We are proud of how our players have started the season. We expect all of our players, including Dion, to conduct themselves in accordance with the highest standards, and to show professionalism and respect for their teammates, the team, the fans and the NBA community."

That raises the question – what could be so bad that a team would suspend its own player for ten games, an eighth of the season? What kind of “conduct detrimental to the team” are we talking about?

Well, here’s an answer: Brian Windhorst and Woj wrote over the weekend that “Miami Heat guard Dion Waiters experienced a "panic attack" on the team's charter flight Thursday night after consuming a THC-infused edible.”

That’s right. A panic attack after consuming an edible on the team’s charter flight. And let me jump in right here before any of you start.

Yes, in the past, Dion Waiters had looked a little heavy when he was coming back from injury. And I know that Heat beat writer Shandel Richardson has written that Waiters is a “known candy eater, with his favorites often scattered about his locker.”

But don’t come in here with your stupid Dion “Been Seeing a lot of” Waiters jokes.

Waiters Island is about him not passing the ball, not about him floating in a swimming pool.

So I’m not interested in your zany one-liners like “Hey Rome, Dion Freighters was suspended for eating something? It’s about time.”

It’s just not funny.  One.  Because it’s not.  And because of this: Andy Slater of a local Miami radio station, tweeted in part: Dion Waiters is the Heat player who had medical emergency on team plane, I’ve confirmed. Waiters overdosed on “gummies,” sources say, and was passed out when plane landed. He had a seizure when he was finally woken up, I’m told.

That’s right. According to the report – Waiters wasn’t feeling well in Phoenix and reached for something to help him feel better. And that something was a gummy and he allegedly OD’d, passed out, and had a seizure.

Holy freaking crap. That is unreal. According to Shams Charania, the team believes he was given the gummy by a teammate, but Waiters has been reluctant to tell the team where it came from.

This is an all-timer.

And I know that a bunch of you would love to come in here with your tired pot jokes and there are some of you who are already hammering the digits on your phone to tell me about THC-infused edibles and dispel the myths surrounding the medicinal uses of marijuana. I don’t need your breakdown of gummies versus chocolates and why one method is better than another.  

Those discussions have been had. They’re done.

What I am here to talk about is the fact that an NBA player is missing a huge chunk of the season because he took reportedly slammed a gummy on a flight, passed out, allegedly, and then had a seizure when he was woken up, allegedly.

That is insane. Completely batbleep crazy.

I get people reaching for CBD related products when they’re in pain or aren’t feeling well. There’s no judgment here for that.

I’m not going to go all DARE on you, but man, you’ve got to be careful when you’re taking edibles, especially when they’re given to you by someone else just before a flight, because you don’t always know what’s in them and how much is in them and how that might interact with altitude and dehydration.

You might think this would be the perfect thing for me to get right on this flight and the next thing you know, you’re having a seizure.

You think that’s a joke? You think it’s hilarious? Just listen to this part of the team’s statement: “We are very disappointed in Dion’s actions this season that include the very scary situation on Thursday night, and grateful that the outcome wasn’t worse.”

I don’t know if it was a panic attack or a seizure or both, but it sounds like people were freaking out when that happened. That is crazy. Imagine being on a team charter, flying to LA, getting ready to play the Lakers, and one of your teammates takes an edible and then passes out, has a panic attack, or a seizure? That is crazy. And surreal. 

It sounds like something out of that 1980s anti-drug film "Desperate Lives" where Helen Hunt tries homemade PCP and then jumps out a window.

You can’t tell me that scene wasn’t effective. If you were even thinking about trying homemade PCP and then you see the gal from Mad About You throwing herself out a window, you’re going clean immediately. And if I saw Dion Waiters losing it on a plane after trying an edible, I’m never touching the stuff again.

Oh, and here’s a bonus feature to the movie of Dion Waiters and the Edible: that suspension isn’t just going to cost him ten game checks, and make him the butt of jokes, it’s also going to cost him a bonus of 1.2 million that he would’ve had if he played in 70 games this year.

AS ALWAYS, BODY AS TEMPLE: ESP. FOR PRO ATHLETES: Your body is your temple, even if Waiters doesn’t always treat it that way, and you have to be careful as hell about what you put into it. Because if something like this happens, it’s entirely on you. The whole internet will laugh at you and meme you, and you’ll cost yourself millions

So I hope that was worth it. Even though I know it wasn’t.