Porn Promotion For NBA

That is stepping up when it matters most.

Jim Rome
July 02, 2020 - 9:34 am
NBA Balls

USA Today

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There are a plenty of things to be concerned about as it relates to the NBA bubble. Like the fact that the bubble is located in Florida, the home of spiking COVID cases. And the fact that there really is no way to keep that many people truly safe and isolated for months on end. And the fact that some park employees will reportedly be allowed to go in and out without regular testing. And the list goes on.

And of course one of the unspoken concerns is recreational activities. And I’m not talking about golf or ping-pong. I’m talking about the undefeated, undisputed, heavyweight champion of all-time: sex.

Because sex is a factor here. And the factor is this: if you read the league’s rules correctly, it sounds like there won’t be much sex happening. Because visitors are not allowed until the second round of the playoffs, so that means players and staffers will be going weeks without company.

And already, one enterprising company has stepped forward with a novel solution. Has stepped up to fill the void. And meet the need. Actually, let me rephrase that: a porn site has come up with a pub grab.

And you know the way this goes in a situation like this – a company comes out with some outlandish statement or offer, they draft a press release and then carpet bomb every single reporter, blog and wacky morning zoo show they can find, acting like it’s a serious business proposition, and then those dopes report on it, and give the company free pub they’re so hungry for.

Nobody takes them up on the offer and it still works, because it’s not about the offer or promotion, it’s about the free pub grab. And it works every time.

Think about all the times you’ve heard of a porn site or a beer company with some wacky promotion, like renaming a stadium or offering free drink if something highly improbable happens, like two asteroids collide during the fourth inning of Game 3 of the World Series. Or claiming that their Super Bowl commercial had been banned because it was too controversial.

And every dumbass with a morning zoo show talks about it and giggles because it seems edgy and “hilarious.”

But the company was never buying the naming rights to a stadium and probably never had a Super Bowl commercial in the first place. They just wanted free pub.

And in the case of the NBA bubble, a certain porn site announced a promotion yesterday for the NBA. I’m not going to name the company because they’re not about that: I genuinely believe they are doing this out of the goodness of their hearts and they wouldn’t want the pub. They just want to help and they aren’t looking to make it about themselves. They are noble porn merchants just looking to solve a problem.

That’s how thoughtful and self-less this gift is.

Fred Katz from The Athletic tweeted out a screenshot of the PR email he received from the porn site announcing that they have “extended an offer to all NBA players and coaches who will be in Orlando for this year’s upcoming season.”

First off, that’s how you know it’s legit – because they are referring to the restarted league in a bubble as “this year’s upcoming season.”

But what is the offer? “Considering the very strict social distancing guidelines the league laid out, website redacted by me, is offering NBA players and coaches a comped VIP membership to its website to provide reassurance that whenever they’re lonely or need some extra “motivation” leading up to a big game”

And let me jump in right there.

It is fitting that I am talking about this company just two days before July 4th because they truly are a collection of patriots. What a bunch of heroes.

They aren’t doing this for publicity, they are doing it as a service. 

This isn’t about some desperate and lame cry for attention, this is about reassuring any players and coaches who feel lonely or a staffer who is lacking in motivation before a big game. That is heroism. And you love to see it.

That is stepping up when it matters most. Reaching out to people who are going through a hard time.

It is so great of a porn site to have its finger on the pulse of the nation, to understand just how dire the situation is right now and offer to pick up the tab for players, coaches, and staffers who might be feeling lonely. Or, who decide that they aren’t motivated to play in a big game, because of the fear and dread around them; so they’ll just check out some porn and that will lift and motivate them. Isn’t what porn does for all of us? Almost makes me want to throw up my first poll question ever on twitter: do you watch porn on your phone or on your laptop.  Anyway…

I love it when a business has a social conscience. That is the definition of doing well by doing good.

Over the last few months, we’ve seen companies step up and offer free masks, free food, free everything to people and communities in need, and now we have free porn. Everyone is chipping in and playing their part. Just looking for a way that they can serve in some small way.

That is definitely what the Founding Fathers had in mind when they jotted down the Declaration of Independence nearly 250 years ago this week.

I love that their pitch email included the line “We have yet to hear back from any specific players but we remain hopeful that someone will want to take advantage of the opportunity here.”

Of course nobody has. That’s the point. They’re not actually giving anything away. And if, on the off chance, someone actually took them up on this “offer,” the porn site would be so pumped, because then they could fire off another press release about how heroic they are. 

The moment someone actually signs up for this offer, the porn site will try to stage a parade through the Magic Kingdom to celebrate. And name drop the only player stupid enough to put their name to it. 

Thank you anonymous porn site, for your heroic and patriotic offer of a comped VIP membership to all of those trapped inside the NBA bubble.

When the history books tell the story of 2020, they will tell your tale of heroism and charity. Because when things were bleak, when nearly all hope was lost, you stepped up and offered free porn.

I don’t see a NBA Superstar hold a press conference on zoom and say

"Is this thing on... Can you guys hear me... Originally I was not gonna join my teammates in the bubble because I wasn’t gonna get any tail for the next 3 months... BUT NOW thanks to anonymous porn site's VIP membership, I'm all in."

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