Rat Fishing In The Pizza Game

Turns out survival mode for Chuck E. Cheese is changing the name of the business.

Jim Rome
May 19, 2020 - 11:07 am
Chuck E. Cheese

USA Today

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As the coronavirus continues to keep the majority of us in lockdown—more and more unbelievable stories that could only be made possible by the pandemic continue to pour in. And today I could fill every one of your buckets with the ‘Rona absurdity.  And I think I will.

Starting with this unbelievable news item out of South Korea—where a local soccer team partially filled-in the empty seats in their stadium—with sex dolls.

FC Seoul apparently wasn’t content to play their previously postponed championship game without fans. So instead they brought in a bunch of sex dolls, put jerseys on them, and parked them in stands. The only thing more absurd than having a bunch of life-sized sex dolls in the background of highly-rated soccer game that families across the country were watching—is the apology from the team. “We sincerely apologize for causing deep concerns to the viewing fans. Our staff went through the confirmation process that they were not adult products several times.”

They’re not? Ok. If they’re not sex dolls, then why were the sex dolls holding up advertising signs for the sex doll company that manufactures them, if they’re not sex dolls. I’ll tell you why. Because they were sex dolls. So why are you telling your fans they’re not? Because you didn’t know? How could you not know? Look at them!   Definitely sex dolls.  Epic fail, FC SEOUL. You better get busy on your sex doll confirmation process because it clearly doesn’t’ work. 

You can’t make this up. A South Korean soccer team put sex dolls in the seats—had them holding up signs for the sex doll company that made them—and then issued an apology in which they said they went through the confirmation process several times that the sex dolls holding up sex doll signs weren’t sex dolls.

Now, if that’s not my gold medal winner for the most insane COVID-related story that I have in front of me—than you know I’m packing some serious heat for 1st place. And I am.

This final story is a tale of lies, deception, cover-ups, and a giant buck-toothed rat.

If you’ve lived in the United States for any part of the last 40 years then you are undoubtedly aware of the chain franchise Chuck E. Cheese. Chuck E. Cheese—for those that don’t know— is a birthday party destination for kids between the ages of 4 and 12. Inside you’ll find arcade games, dance floors, a ball pit, air hockey tables, a giant rat mascot named Charles Entertainment Cheese, and the world’s worst cardboard pizza. The price of admission isn’t what you pay to be there. The price of admission is your insides surviving the pizza.

For the last two months Chuck E. Cheese has been shut down and relegated to take-out orders only. One problem, though—no one in the history of the universe would ever eat Chuck E. Cheese pizza outside of the establishment. So when it’s come time for people to pick a place for pie—no one was picking Chuck E. Cheese. Because you’re either going for the mom and pop New York-style brick oven pizza—or you’re going for the value play with the Big Three; Pizza Hut, Domino’s, or Papa John’s. If you absolutely hate your life and have lost the will to live—you order Little Caesar’s. But under no circumstance do you pass up every other option and willfully go with Chuck E. Cheese.  You go there because there’s some kid’s party you absolutely cannot get out of or you go there because you hate yourself and your hate your life. 

Turns out the brass at Charles E. Cheese realized this. So they did what any struggling business would do. They went into survival mode. Turns out survival mode for Chuck E. Cheese is changing the name of the business—not telling anyone—and selling the same pizza under a different name on GrubHub, DoorDash, and Uber Eats.

So for the last two months customers across the U.S. have unknowingly been ordering Chuck E. Cheese pizza—thinking it was something different. Something different called Pasqually’s Pizza and Wings.

Unfortunately for Chuck E. Cheese—a GrubHub customer in Philly blew the lid off the entire scam. Because this customer noticed the address for Pasqually’s was the exact same address for their local Chuck E. Cheese. And after noticing the pizza was the same, too, this person texted their GrubHub driver and asked if the pie came from Chuck E. Cheese—to which the driver responded that it did.

Uh-oh!

There’s catfishing on the internet—and rat-fishing in the pizza game. Because the giant rat just got caught rat-fishing unknowing customers. And the story from Philly turned out to be the same story nationwide as every local Pasqually’s—traced back to a local Chuck E. Cheese.

Imagine knowing your pizza sucks so damn bad that you have to change the name just to get people to buy it. Then imagine going through with that plan—having every address nationwide trace back to your business—and just crossing your fingers every day that you won’t get caught.  What??? 612 “Pasqually’s a place no one has ever heard off, just popped up, overnight, out of nowhere.  Daaang!  That’s a helluva roll out!  even Pasqualli himself knew that con would fly forever: that freaking giant rat had to be thinking, let’s just run this scam until someone figures it out; and someone will, but until then let’s jam as much cheese in or pockets as we can.   Oh they knew….because they had an explanation already locked and loaded. . In a statement provided to Food & Wine magazine, the giant’s adult rats at Chuck E. Cheese said, “It’s a different pizza that features a thicker crust and extra sauce, giving customers a more flavorful, premium pizza experience.”

Freaking. Genius. These rats are playing chess. They literally just said they added an undisclosed amount of extra sauce and dough to the pizza—which makes it different—which means it not really Chuck E. Cheese. But rather Pasqualli’s.  —which, according to them, makes it OK to do business under a different name without telling anyone.

That’s so awesome. By their own logic—they could have added a single extra slice of pepperoni and called it whatever the hell they wanted. 

Did the dough change? No. It’s just thicker. 

Did the sauce change? No. There’s just more of it.

It’s an absolutely genius loophole of exploitation.

Well it was. Until it wasn’t. Because the rat got caught with its teeth in the cheese. And now the jig is up.

What do I always says: you’re not trying unless you’re cheating and you’re only cheating if you get caught.  And they were caught. But I can’t knock the hustle: Knowing your pizza is ass and the only way to move units is to change the name to trick people into ordering it is almost admirable: because it’s so self-aware: they know they’re pizza is garbage. 

Next time, though, change the address, too. Maybe throw a fake suite number on it or something. Because when all digital breadcrumbs lead back to the rat, you’re gonna get smoked out and exterminated.

And that’s exactly what happened yesterday to that giant rat, Charles Entertainment Cheese.

Way to earn that middle name though, Chuck. See you in the disgusting ball-pit when this whole thing is over.

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