2018 Ryder Cup

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Ryder Cup Ass Kicking

Here’s the best possible news for the 2018 U.S. Ryder Cup team: It’s over.

October 01, 2018 - 10:54 am
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Here’s the best possible news for the 2018 U.S. Ryder Cup team: It’s over.

The absolute, total, straight up, complete, thorough, outright, unabridged, pure, humiliating, European ass-kicking is over. And not a moment too soon. Because while Tommy Fleetwood—aka Golf Jesus—and Ian Poulter, and the rest of the Eurpeams were raging in the club and probably still are. —the Americans were riding back across the pond on a bird it turns out they never actually got off of.

17 and a half to 10 and a half. If you’re not a golf fan, and don’t understand match scoring, —I’ll save you the trouble of deciphering that score: We got murdered. And the crime scene was being taped off at Le Golf National before the final three matches yesterday even got to the 15th hole. And that’s because Phil Mickelson drove the last nail in our box when he rinsed one on 16 and shook hands with his reaper, Frankie Molinari, to concede the clinching Ryder Cup point for the Euros.

Scoreboard—don’t look up at it—because it’s heinous. 

And if you’re looking to point the finger you better have both hands ready. Because this was a collective no-show. But none worse than Tiger and Phil—who combined to go 0-6 in their sessions with the Cat responsible for four of those losses. These two dudes were captain’s picks and they rewarded Jim Furyk’s loyalty by getting swept out of France. Thanks for absolutely nothing Cat and Hefty. And the only thing worse than how these two performed—are the excuses Honk Nation is already rolling out for their guy, Eldrick. You know—the ones about how he was tired from all events in September. How he was emotionally gassed from the win last week. How he was sunk by Patty Reed and B.D.C in partner play. Here’s your problem, Tiger Honks: the same guy you all want to give a pass to is the dude who was running junk before the Ryder Cup saying things like: You want a piece of me? Well here I am.

Cat—everyone on the other side wants a piece of you. Because as great as you are in tournaments—you’re just as bad in match play. And the record reflects that. And Speaking of records; the Cat tied a record for most losses in Ryder Cup history yesterday—only to give it right back to Hefty who claimed what was his an hour later. These two dudes were literally trading all-times marks for Ryder Cup futility. The alleged two best players of their generation are at the top of Mount Suck—one and two respectively. I never want to see these these two at this party ever again, either here or overseas. And yet the next time they pick up a bat together you’ll have to go into your wallet to see it. Because the worst match play golfers of all-time are set to go head to head in a pay-per-view event that looks worse now than it did when they announced it. And given how horrible it sounded when they announced it, I didn’t think that was even possible. 

But again—they weren’t the only Americans with two hands around their own throats. Dustin Johnson went 1-4 in five sessions to post the worst record by a sitting number one player ever. Jordan Spieth lost yesterday and is now 0-6 lifetime in singles matches. And Patrick Reed—who earned the gloss Captain America two years ago—went 1-2 this time around and then burned the place to the ground on his way out.

Because that’s all the Americans needed to finish out their brutal week—some good ol’ fashioned golf drama. And the Reed Family provided it in spades. Because after Furyk split up Spieth and Reed—a combo that worked well at Hazeltine—Reed went 0-2 with El Gato. And then took another L in the team game when he told the New York Times, “The issue’s obviously with Jordan not wanting to play with me. I don’t have any issue with Jordan. When it comes right down to it, I don’t care if I like the person I’m paired with or if the person likes me as long as it works, and it sets up the team for success. He and I know how to make each other better. We know how to get the job done.”

And after narking on Spieth to the media for not wanting to play with him—he took a shot at his captain, too, saying, “For somebody as successful in the Ryder Cup as I am, I don’t think it’s smart to sit me twice.”

Kill shot on Spieth. Kill shot on Furyk. And all in the wake of the Americans getting turned inside out all weekend in Paris. They say Paris is for lovers. Apparently Pat Reed didn’t get the memo. Because he was hating pretty hard. Even for him. So don’t be surprised if he was sitting in his own row all by himself on the flight home. Or on a separate plane altogether. Not like he’d mind anyway. Dude is a lone wolf’s lone wolf. And then there’s the Twitter handle that matches his wife’s name. The Twitter handle @justinekreed that was running junk on Spieth over the weekend. When asked by a reporter if the account belonged to her, Justine Reed said, “I can’t really say. I don’t know.” You can’t say? You don’t know? That’s an all-timer. You don’t know if a social media account belongs to you? Either it does it doesn’t. You either tweeted those things or you didn’t. And since you didn’t deny it—you probably did. Not a good look for a family who already has enough bad looks. But again—the Reeds clearly don’t give a damn about bad looks. And what goes with his family really isn’t our business. 

Now, you’re gonna hear this today and for the rest of time—that  we keep getting rolled up in Ryder Cup play because the European players just wanted it more than we do.  And that their players are helluva lot tougher mentally than their American counterparts.  Yes.  And Yes.  They do want it more than we do, and they are tougher than we are.  And that’s a problem.  And them wanting it more than us is a lame crutch.  That’s not an out. That’s a problem. That’s an issue that needs fixing. Because if we’re just gonna write this off as them wanting it more and caring more—then why bother even going over there to play? Just run it back when it’s on U.S. soil. Because we never show up for the ones they host anyway. And I’m getting pretty sick and tired of jacking with my weekend sleep every four years to watch a squad that doesn’t care as much or want it as badly as the guys they’re going up against.  If they really don’t want it, like we always hear when this happen, then we don’t want it either.  I know I don’t. 

That Ryder Cup couldn't have gone any worse. Tiger and Phil sunk the squad and the rest of the team followed them into the grave. Bad, bad weekend for the Americans.  But if you don’t give a damn, don’t expect any of us to either.