Scottie Pippen

USA Today

Scottie vs. The Alpha Bitch

Good luck with your lawsuit, Scottie.

December 07, 2018 - 12:54 pm
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In a story that can only take place in Florida—Scottie Pippin is suing two tenants for allegedly trashing his Fort Lauderdale waterfront mansion. According to the lawsuit obtained by WPLG, Scottie Landlord claims that he rented his spot for 30k a month to a married couple who are late on rent and have animals that have urinated all over the joint causing damage to the floors and furniture.

The lawsuit also says that couple used the property for commercial purposes despite it being a residential-only lease, and that the place has fallen into disrepair.

That’s part of story. Now let’s Flordia-ify it. 

Starting with an alleged stolen item from the house. Because Pippin’s lawyers aren’t about to see their client get burglarized by these tenants, too. And one of the items listed as missing is…

A set of Cuisinart kitchen knives.

This isn’t some game on the Price is Right. This is a real lawsuit. From Scottie freaking Pippin. And the man wants his kitchen knives back. 

In response to that part of the lawsuit—the woman being sued—whose name is Lindsay Glazer-Wolosin—started a GoFundMe Page attempting to raise 14 dollars to replace Scottie’s knives. As of today she has raised 31 bucks and promises to donate the excess money to charity. What a lucky charity. 

Now—that’s a pretty savage move to respond to a lawsuit by raising a 30 bucks on GoFundMe to replace alleged stolen kitchen knives. Pretty savage and pretty funny. Almost too funny. Almost like a comedian thought that gag up.

Oh and wouldn’t you know it! Lindsay Glazer-Wolosin is a comedian! A comedian that goes by the stage name…

Alpha Bitch.

Scottie you know a thing or two about getting out-alpha’ed right?

So now it’s Scottie vs. The Alpha Bitch. 

Except Scottie didn’t know that. Scottie thought he was suing someone else. Because Scottie and his lawyers said in their lawsuit that Lindsay Glazer-Wolosin is part of the Glazer family that owns the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

Glazer-Wolosin responded, “If I’m a member of that Glazer family, that’s news to me. If that were the case, we would have leased from Michael Jordan instead.”

Have some, Scotty. 

Somewhere Gary Payton is smiling ear to ear.

So this entire thing is really weird and really Florida. Scottie Landlord is suing someone he mis- identified in his lawsuit. That someone never denied the accusations and might have accidentally admitted to them through a GoFundMe comedy bit. That same person goes by the handle, Alpha Bitch, and she just alpha bitch slapped Scottie with a Mike burn.

Now, if you’re wondering—would Scottie still be suing someone if that someone doesn’t own the Tampa Bay Bucs like he thought she did? Hell would he have even leased the house to her if he knew she wasn’t the blood of a billionaire: who knows: but isn’t on him to do a quick search.  Or credit check; or whatever you do before your lease your mansion to someone for 30 grrrr a month. So. We’ll have to wait and see how this plays out.

In the meantime—I’ve got my popcorn ready. This is a battle. And right now the scoreboard has Alpha Bitch up two-nothing on Scottie.

Good luck with your lawsuit, Scottie. And please remember to tip the cleaning crew on their way out.  Or you’ll never, ever shake the worse gloss ever: no tippin Pippen: then again you should have known; if your last name is Pippen, you sure has hell had better be at least an average tipper.

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