Bills Mafia

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Sex Toy Throwing

Bills Mafia, what do you want to be known for?

October 30, 2018 - 10:33 am

Bills Mafia—it’s time to take a long, hard look in the mirror and ask yourselves: What do you want to be known for? What do you want the rest of the outside world to think of when they think of you?

Because there’s not another fan base in sports working so many different raps right now. Blue collar? Yes. Loyal? Hell yes. Rowdy? Damn straight. Bills Mafia is all these things. And they love it and they take a grip of pride in it. 

But Bills Mafia is also known for some other things. 

Like jumping off RV’s and slamming through tables that have been lit on fire. 

Beer-bonging tall cans through a luge of another person’s butt cheeks.

Sword fighting with pepperoni sticks.

Snorting toot off a dirty one-dollar bills in the stands.

Fornicating in the parking lot between cars.

And now—a three year tradition of lobbing sex toys on the field when the Patriots come to town.

Because last night—it happened again. And I’m not talking about Tom Brady rolling through and renewing his ownership of the City of Buffalo for another year. I’m talking about flying, phallic, adult sex toys making their short airborne flight from the stands to the field.

This has been happening since 2016. And it’s well-documented. Hell, Brady himself noticed the first toy thrown two years ago and said, “Yes, I did see it. I thought it was funny the ref didn’t want to pick it up. He was kicking it. Nobody wanted to reach down and grab it. Only in Buffalo.”

That’s arguably the greatest quarterback who has ever lived going on record with how damn funny he thought it was that a ref had to kick a rubba donga off the field. Pretty funny, Tommy. Especially if you’re not the one who has to go all Ronaldo on a foreign object. 

That was 2016. It happened again in 2017. Both times with the Patriots in town. So, last night, with the Pats back in Buffalo—the question wasn’t if the Mafia was going to do it again—it was when is the Mafia was going to do it again?

By my unofficial count—at least three different rubba dongas of three different shapes, sizes, and colors landed on the field last night. Three. Not one. Not two. But three different sex toys were thrown on the field last night. That we know of. There may have been more. 

This is officially a thing. And not just a thing—but a movement. A growing movement. And it’s not like the Pats are gonna stop coming to Buffalo. They’re in the same division. This is a guaranteed annual event. And it’s pretty damn clear that the Mafia has settled on a new tradition. And the only thing more sure than a sex toy getting thrown on the field when the Pats are in town is—the Pats are going to wax the Bills. They’ve done it 14 of the last 16 times they’ve been there. Hell, Brady has more wins than any Bills QB in Buffalo since ’96 and he only plays their once a year. 

So Brady owns Buffalo and Buffalo owns a lot of disposable sex toys. And what that means is that you can expect this tradition to continue for a long, long time.

Hate is a funny thing. And the Bills definitely hate the Big Brother Patriots. But throwing sex toys on your own field while your team is losing is the weirdest way to show hate, ever. Like—what’s the message there, Mafia? Seriously. What's the motive in trashing your own field with sex toys? Seems like an expensive way to make your team an even bigger joke. Wouldn't the play be to go to New England and throw those things on their field?

Then again--this a fan base who breaks their owns bodies by breaking their own tables and a fan base that literally lights themselves them on fire just for the fun of it.

This is what happens when you make a proud City pay to watch Derek Anderson and Nate Peterman in freezing cold temps. And the fact that the Mafia threw three touchdown passes to the end zone with sex toys while Derek Anderson threw none with a football is even more reason why the Mafia clearly has to entertain themselves.

Because the team sure as hell isn't doing it. I'd say there are no winners here but there are. The New England Patriots are the winners here. And the poor refs who have to dribble sex toys of the field with their feet are obviously the big losers. I don’t condone it. And you paid good money for that donga, so go ahead and do what you want with it. Just know, if this team was watchable, the Bills mafia would be using the sex toys the way they’re supposed to be used as opposed to throwing them on their own field.