Super Bowl LIV Parade

Most victory parades are kind of the same. KC's wasn't.

Jim Rome
February 06, 2020 - 9:11 am
Travis Kelce

USA Today

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Kansas City had its parade yesterday and it was, well, it was something else. Most victory parades are kind of the same. A lot of players yelling about how this title was for the city and how they’re going to come back and do it again next year. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Occasionally you get a guy who’s maybe had a little too much to drink get on the mic and drop an f-bomb. And if you’re really lucky, you get someone like Chicago Blackhawk Corey Crawford who may or may not have enjoyed an adult beverage and definitely enjoyed some adult language.

But yesterday’s parade in KC was different. Because yesterday started with a police chase. Yeah, I said it. A police chase. There was an actual police chase along the parade route before the parade, but while fans were standing around waiting. That had to be the most excitement ever at a victory parade.

A car busted through a police barrier and was heading down the parade route, with police cars in pursuit. That wasn’t funny, that was dangerous as hell, because you’ve got crowds lined up on both sides of the route and one false move and car is going into the crowd.

That’s one of the most insane things I’ve ever seen at a parade. Completely bat-bleep crazy. And could’ve been a horrible disaster.

Fortunately, the police handled it expertly, eventually got the driver to stop and the driver was arrested on suspicion of DUI and other charges.

After that insanely dangerous start, things settled down. To my knowledge, no horse crap was eaten and only a total of five people were detained.

And that included the dude who jumped up on a horse and started dancing.

And it included the bare-assed dude who fell from a tree.

I haven’t heard a reaction like that since that guy got hit with a Grey Goose bottle.

Why that guy was up in a tree with his buttocks exposed I will never know. I’ve seen anything like that since I was in Cabo back in the day at squid row, and I heard this sickening sound: sounded like someone squaring up a coconut with a baseball and smashing it in into a million pieces. Only it wasn’t that; it was some dude, also falling out of a tree, but not onto his bar ass, but rather onto his dome, and bouncing off the pavement, predictably splattering blood everywhere: they quickly swept him out into the street and the party raged on like nothing even happened. The hell was that dude climbing a tree in the middle of a bar anyway. The hell is a tree doing in the middle of a bar anyway?? Alas, I digress.

The KC. Tree guy was detained by police and referred to as “belligerent guy who fell out of a tree,” but not arrested. 

As for the parade itself and the players themselves, Patrick Mahomes was there. And he was one-handing beer cans chucked from the crowd and then chugging it. Travis Kelce was there, with a WWE belt.

And Mahomes was pouring a beer off the bus into Kelce’s mouth.

That’s cool, but was anyone else there?

Yes! The specialists are here! And so is that truck carrying the business staffers. Now the party can really start. Because it’s not a party until the specialists and the business staffers are there. Sure, Mahomes is here, but Ken from accounts receivable there? What about Doris from accounts payable, is she in the house?

When the parade finally got to Union Station for the rally, it was time for speeches. Actually, it was time the speech. The one you were waiting for from Travis Kelce.

Because the Kelce Family has a rich tradition of Super Bowl parade speeches. And while Travis didn’t bust out with the Jason Kelce Mummers Parade costume, he did come with a Louis Vuitton monogram shearling coat.

And he did come with a few things he wanted to say.

Actually, he had a lot of things he wanted to say and the only question was: would his voice hold up. Because he has been partying and screaming since Sunday night.

I rarely will play a clip this long, but it’s worth it. Because what he lacks in vocal chords right now, he makes up for in passion. And enthusiasm. And heart.

Kelce talked about World War I, Andy Reid, coming back from double-digit deficits, took a shot at Dee Ford, and of course capped it off with the team’s new anthem.

That’s what you came for. That’s what you go to a victory parade for. To throw back a few, scream, and hear a guy reference double-digit deficits and scream Beastie Boys lyrics.  It’s thrown around way too much but Travis Kelce truly is a national treasure. 

Nicely done, KC. Nicely done. And yet, somehow, as fired up as that crew was, that wasn’t the most excited person in the state of Missouri yesterday. There was someone else who was even more amped. But I’ll get to him later.

Because this take, and that day, was all about those Chiiieeeefffffffss!