Cleveland Browns

USA Today

Sweet Corporate Partner There, Browns

Here's to getting the first win out of the way so you get those stupid fridges of Bud Light out of the way.

August 15, 2018 - 10:59 am

December 24th, 2016. 599 days ago. That’s how long it’s been since the Browns have won a football game. They’ve played 17 since. And lost them all. You know this. I know this. They know this. And Anheuser-Busch knows this. 

So the giant brewery responsible for the heinous creations of Bud Light Lime and Bud Light Clamato—are dropping refrigerators stock full of their flagship product in 10 different C-Town bars to celebrate that inventible first Browns win that breaks the damn near two year-long losing streak.

This is the most Cleveland thing ever and I’m pretty damn sure that not even this town deserves this treatment. Because right now 10 fridges of bottom shelf Bud Light in 10 different Cleveland bars are sitting idly by with remote control locks wrapped around them. On each door of the fridges a message reads, “When the Browns win, Cleveland wins.” And when the clock strikes zero on whenever that first win comes—the doors to flavorless water beer will be remotely unlocked and free for whoever hates their taste buds enough to grab a can.

Right. Because nothing says peak celebration like a 4% Bud Light. Never mind that Bud Light barely passes for beer and you can get it anywhere, anytime you want for dirt cheap. How about the fact that the team actually signed off on this promotion? I can count on exactly zero fingers the number of other franchises in the NFL that are all set to commemorate their first win in two years. That’s not something to drink to. That’s something to drink because of. And I’m pretty sure the city has been pouring something a little stiffer than Bud Light to cope with the last 32 games. 

Again, how backwards is this…— counting down to the opportunity to drink free Bud Light after the Browns finally do win a game.

My favorite part of this whole thing is that Anheuser-Busch says they’re prepared to switch out the beer every month to make sure the product is fresh. First off, is there anyone, anywhere, who has a sophisticated enough pallet to taste the difference between a fresh Bud Light and a month old Bud Light? How much worse can terrible beer be after sitting in the fridge for 30 days? Essentially Annheuser is saying you sucked last year, and you’re going to stuck again this year, but don’t sweat it, we have a plan in place.  And we’re going on record with that plan. Sweet corporate partner there, Browns.

Look, free is me. And usually free booze makes up the two greatest words in the English dictionary. But free Bud Light? Pass. You already know I’m a Heineken man. And that's because Heineken has that really important characteristic I like in my beer: Taste. Bud Light is fermented water. And right about now, I'd love to see a local C-Town brewery like Bottle house, or Brick & Barrel, or Fat Head, or Great Lakes step up and undercut the hell out this. One of those micro-craft outfits should do the same thing so victory actually tastes good.

Cleveland. You don't deserve this whack-ass promotion. You don't deserve a giant St. Louis water beer company who sold out to In-Bev coming into your town to celebrate your team with a marketing scheme that ultimately draws more attention to mediocrity by toasting it with--more mediocrity. 

Here's to getting the first win out of the way so you get those stupid fridges of Bud Light out of the way.